10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas...
- 10. Did you get any under the tree?
- 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
- 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
- 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
- 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
- 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
- 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
- 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
- 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
- 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
THE TOP 15 *OTHER* SIGNS SANTA CLAUSE IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN:
- 15. Santa *remembers* it’s Christmas. ‘Nuf said.
- 14. Reads children’s letters in office instead of in bathroom.
- 13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your
stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that’s the problem!
- 12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, “Regis
and Santa Lee.”
- 11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still*
insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
- 10. “Mrs. Claus” wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a ‘68 El
Camino.
- 9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
- 8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
- 7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It’s water retention.
- 6. Constantly whining about equality until it’s time to clean out the
reindeer stalls.
- 5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like
that!
- 4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
- 3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
- 2. The North Pole Blockbuster’s been out of “The Horse Whisperer” for
weeks.
- 1. With the way they build chimneys these days you’d *have* to be Calista
friggin’ Flockhart just to get in!
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