Ravin's blog: "Charles"

I can't believe you're gone. I would give anything to have you back. I don't know what else to say...

I haven't written in a while, I guess I was trying to keep from crying. I've thought about you a lot lately. I'm watching PS I love you, and I keep thinking about you. Everywhere I go, I hear the star spangled banner and tear up. I never thought those words would move me so much. I miss you incredibly. I'm planning a trip to see your gravestone at Arlington. I don't know how I'm going to react. My mom is going with me, she wants to see too. I'm hoping to get the closure I need to move on. I love you dearly! I miss you more than words can ever describe.

I can't really deny it anymore babe. I really really want to more than anything be able to deny your death and believe it and know it's not true. I waited for that call, that call that never came. That call that would have put a few pieces of my heart back together. It never came, and it never will. I don't understand why. So many why's. And I know some blame is on my head, I accept that. I just wish other people would so I can talk to them about it without hearing "No no no, it's not your fault." It's got to be someones fault and I'm the one who left you. I'm the one that gave you no reason to stay in MI. Before we started dating you were looking into the ARMY, but you stopped because of me. After I broke up with you though you went right back to the ARMY and joined. If I would have never met you, you would have been there sooner (or not at all) and not been on the road where that bomb was; or if I took you back you would have stayed here with me. Your words are echoing in my mind. The time you were taking me home and we stopped at the end of your road and you looked right at me and told me this would happen. "This is your last chance to take me back. If I die, it's your fault" BABE! Why did you have to say that!? I would have rather lived a life of hell then to have yours cut short. I'm so so so so so sorry. I really do love you more than you or anyone else will ever know. I guess I'll just have to live the rest of my life knowing all of this. I love you. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you, and I doubt there ever will be a day that doesn't happen. I love you and I'm grateful for the love you gave me in the short amount of time you were with us.

I got a package today from your brother. It was your memorial DVD. I watched it and drenched my shirt and pillow. It made it so much more real for me. I still have the illusion that I'll get a phone call saying it was a mistake, that nothing happened to you. I can't have that illusion anymore seeing the video. I was suppose to visit your grave today, but I couldn't make it down there. You know me better than anyone else, so you probably expected something to happen which made me not go. I really need to make it down there, it's just hard with work and not having a good vehicle. I will though, come hell or high water, I will make it there. I need it. I need to see it. I've seen pictures of it, but it's just not real to me yet. I'm so sorry I couldn't visit you or go to your funeral. I really would have wanted to. I will come down and see you, probably after the 19th. Me and a few friends will go there. I love you. I miss you.

I really miss you hun. More than anyone can possible understand. I cry every time I hear Pledge of Allegiance. I'm going to go to Arlington in a couple weeks to see your grave. God that took me a long time to type those last two words. It still hasn't totally sunken in. I'm hoping going there will help bring closure. A part of me doesn't want to go and see it, because then it will make it real. I'm all mixed up. I don't know what to want. Well, I know what I want but I don't think I'm going to get it. I got some very bad terrible news today and it made me want you here even more. Lots of past memories flooded through my mind about us dealing with this a few years ago. I just want you here more than anything. I want you to tell me it will be okay. You're one of the few who know all about this. I have no idea what's going to happen at Arlington. I'm crying real bad, so I'm gonna go. I love you more than you'll ever know. I miss you more than I ever thought humanly possible.

I really wish you were here with us during this holiday. It kills me not having you here, not being able to tell you Happy Thanksgiving and to not be able to say one of the things I'm thankful for is you. I'm still very thankful for you being in my life, I just wish it could have been longer. As much as I hate what happened, I'm thankful for what you did for our country. Without you and other soldiers like you, we wouldn't be able to celebrate it. I miss you so much babe. I'll leave it at that since I can't see the screen anymore. Love Always, Amber

What do you do when the person you know you're suppose to spend the rest of your life with dies? How are you suppose to move on? How can you give your heart to someone else when theres nothing left to give? How can I be with someone else and have them know about him? I'm worried he'll worried about you in a way, or that he'll be jealous in some way. I just don't know how he would feel knowing that my one and only love was killed. I keep thinking that someone is going to call and say they've found a way to bring you back, or that someone will call and tell me that they had the wrong body, that it wasn't really you, it was a mistake. How am I suppose live the rest of my life knowing it won't be with you?

When does the tears finally stop? I know the pain will never fully go away. I like having the memory of you, but it just hurts because anytime someone sees something for fallen soldiers, they send it to me and the tears just start coming again. I like hearing and seeing things for the honor of soldiers, but it just hurts. I really wish I didn't have to say good-bye to you, but I just keep trying to remember,

♥Death can not stop true love, it just delays it for a little while.♥

I'm scared to love someone. I don't want to lose someone again, esp someone I loved as much as you. I wish you would have made it home. I wish Bush would have never sent you over there, and that he wouldn't have made the troops stay 3 extra months. You were suppose to be home babe, why the hell did he have to extend the stay? Why did you have to go in the first place? It's not that I'm not proud for what you've done and all your sacrifice. I guess I'm just being selfish and not wanted to let you go. Well, I don't know what else to say. I can't really see the screen now through my tears. Theres a video I saw today that made me cry and cry. Just absolutely break down sobbing. I'm so used to you telling me everything will be okay, and I guess thats what I'm waiting for. It just hurts knowing I won't hear you tell me that.

Here's the lyrics. I came by today to see you I had to let you know If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time I'd have held you and never let go It's kept me awake nights, wondering Lie in the dark, just asking why I've always been told You won't be called home Until it's your time I guess heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you I remember the last time I saw you You held your head up proud I laughed inside When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd You're such a part of who I am Now that part will just be void No matter how much I need you now Heaven needed you more Cause heaven was needing a hero Somebody just like you Brave enough to stand up For what you believe And follow it through When I try to make it make sense in my mind The only conclusion I come to Is heaven was needing a hero Like you Heaven was needing a hero and that's you