Chapter 15 Jacques Cousteau
Patsy's head slowly emerges from the pool like Martin Sheen in "Apocalypse Now" and blows out a whale like spray of water from her tiny green snorkel. Her lips are blue, both from the cold and from the fact that her Kermy mask is WAY too small for her. Her eyes are completely unseen and unseeing due to the condensation fogging up her mask. She whisper yells to him in her best French accent...
"Ze harroweeng depths have foggid oop my pricelezz diveeng equipmon....SACRE BLEU!"
Of course, he laughs way too loudly for the lateness of the hour so she tries to smack him but misses badly...managing only to splash them both with a hard slap to the water instead. This makes him laugh even louder so she frantically pulls off her mask and throws it at him, missing of course. He grabs it and they wrestle briefly until he let's it go abruptly, JUST to see her glower in a hollow victory. She spits grumpily into the glass part of the mask and smears it around inside....wobbling drunk.
"WHAT the FUCK are you doing???" he says, completely ignoring the French accent rule...
"Ze speeet weel make ze cloudeengz go away YOU AMATEUR! How deed you git on zis sheeep wiz meeee??????"
"Steeel training Monsieur Jacques...very mooch wanteeng from you ze learneeing of za sea!
Nate can't help but see her body beneath the undulating lens of the dimly lit blue water surrounding them. Even though her shape is morphed and trippy looking, he can still make out certain details that are hard to miss. Her pale, almost sheet white skin as if it had never seen the sun...her tiny, berry like nipples...her occasional camel toe that left nothing to the imagination about her pubic hair status.....PUBE FREE oh god. As drunk as he is, he absolutely will NOT make a move on her. The last time they drunk hanky pankied was in High School and it was an unmitigated DISASTER that haunted and nearly crippled him sexually for YEARS.
Needing a distraction he puts on his own mask and starts diving to the bottom of the deep end.... that distantly familiar feeling of his ears popping and pressure on his lungs takes him aback for a moment. When was the last time he REALLY played in a swimming pool? He couldn't even remember. Letting the air slowly out of his lungs he turned to face up towards the sky just as Patsy begins to dive down to meet him. She latches onto his shoulders and starts to talk through her snorkel....completely unintelligible of course. Even if she DOES sound and look like a frog now, he still just loves listening to her...watching her.....Patsy is never boring. She holds two fingers to her mouth...the international sign for "Let's have a cigarette shall we?"
So they pop up to the top like two bubbles and hop out of the pool for more booze & a smoke. As they keep trying to out do each others abysmal and increasingly unrecognizable French accent, they take turns shivering in the desert night air...the heat of the day slowly sinking into the ground...
"Deeed you sheeeeeee ZAT? Ze feeeeshy pooped out ze eggz!"
"I weel scoop zem oop for ze laveeeesh caviar deenair for you Monsieur Jacques!!!"
"AH YEZ.....ze learneeng is happeneeng mon petit tadpole..."
Somehow they made it back to the room, but neither will remember when...or even how.
Chapter 16 Stubborn Garbage
Pats was standing at the playground entrance waiting for him with a bucket of cleaning supplies and rags almost as big as she was.Mrs. Brimley asked blandly...
"So what's all this then Pats?"
"We found a playhouse and we're gonna clean it up!"
"Well doesn't that sound like fun..."
Mrs. Brimley never worried about Nate going out of sight. Patsy thought it was GREAT when they were little, but as she got older she wondered why. It's not that his mother was cold exactly...she was just kind of dulled...inanimate....always spoke in exactly the same tone.
They RAN down the path to their new house like it was a race...Nate won but only because Pats kept dropping things from the bucket and yelling "CRAP!" They started cleaning immediately. Nate cleared the shelves & drawers while Pats wrestled with the garbage bags of leaves. Four of them were easily dragged out but two of them remained stubborn. She got Nate to help her...he would pull while she pushed from behind. It worked pretty well until they got to the doorjamb. It occurred to her that if she emptied one of the other bags and used it as a slide for the two heavier ones it might be easier...and it was! The second one ripped open a little bit though on a jagged stick as they were about 20 feet away from the house.
"EEEWWWWW.....Pats did you fart?????"
"NOPE!....I think there's dog poop in here!"
"This far enough ya think?"
" More ....behind that big tree...GROSS!"
They covered the rip with some leaves and brush hoping it would stop the smell then went back to cleaning. They spent the rest of the afternoon picking at their chores and play acted being a Mommy & a Daddy with pretend kids that they would yell at. Nate would act like his Dad and just basically be a big yawning asshole...Patsy would act like her Mom and boss everyone around telling them what they had to do for her. For some reason this made them both laugh uncontrollably and the yelling got more and more absurd...
"GO DOWN TO THE CELLAR AND EAT ALL THE MICE!!!!"
"NO YOU BAKE A DOG POOP CAKE AND EAT IT ALL TIL YER FAT!!!!"
Sillier and sillier...kicking at each other from either end of the bench...pretend snoring til the kicking would begin again...
"NATHAAAN!"
Time to go again...not as sad as before though because THIS time they got to play.
Chapter 17 Heavy Brow
He half wakes up inside of her...what the hell?!?...they are both naked and spooning and how the fuck did THAT happen??? He moves a little bit to make sure....and sure enough, he is hard as a rock and ALL the way up in there with his chin hooked over her shoulder. Nate sloowwllyy pulls himself out trying to remember what happened after the pool....NOTHING! Desperate not to wake her he crawls out of the bed for what seems like hours, then quickly bolts to the bathroom as he finally clears the last crumpled edge of the cotton/poly Navajo print quilt. The bathroom fan blares out what might as well have been a fog horn when he turns on the light so in a panic he slaps it off and shuts the door as quietly as he can....still no movement from Patsy.
"What the fuck???" he whispers to himself. This is NOT a dream...he can still feel her wetness. He gently sits down on the edge of the humongous bathtub and realizes that despite the sudden shock he still has a MASSIVE boner. Grabbing the sides of his head as if to pull crucial information out of his brain, he starts to rock back and forth just whispering one expletive after another in no particular order...randomly, like SHIT is B4 and FUCK is G22 in a whispering Bingo Hall. Her smell is wafting in his face as he tries to remember what happened and it just makes his boner worse. "Well shit...I can't exactly go back in there like this..." he says to himself rationalizing his need to masturbate. He finishes very quickly which is highly unusual for him....it typically takes FOREVER and sometimes not even worth the effort for him. Sex is different however...taking forever has it's upside in that particular scenario.
As he washes his hands he sees his face in the mirror, dimly lit from the sun just beginning to rise outside of the tiny frosted bathroom window. He notices for the first time how truly handsome he is in an odd way...the strong chin and jawbone...the high defined cheekbones....even his heavy brow looks cool to him now. He has always hated it despite Patsy telling him it's one of his best features...now he sees what she has been talking about all of these years. He finally grew into his eyebrows!!! At 6'4" and barely
165 lbs he is surprisingly muscular...not an ounce of fat to be found anywhere. OK enough self inspection! Now he has to crawl back in bed with a pounding headache and try to decide whether to tell Patsy what happened or just pretend it was just a dream.
Of course he will tell her....he tells her everything............eventually.
Chapter 18 Four Aspirin
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