Over 16,508,798 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?

The Dream Is Over… Well, here I sit now, broken down until I question me and what all I might have done wrong. She called me this morning to say Merry Christmas, which was nice, but all I kept thinking was exactly how painful this Christmas has become so far. All through the night I kept waking up crying, thinking about what I have lost and trying to figure out exactly why. And let me tell you, I am no closer to figuring that out at all. Shit, I didn’t even really feel like opening my presents at all because of all of this. This morning has been far from what I pictured in my mind about how it would be. I imagined waking up with Her in my arms and giving her a kiss, waking her so I could say Merry Christmas and hug her. Then we would go out to the front room and get some coffee and open our presents together, side by side smiling at each other as we shared what we received with one another. Instead, I woke up alone, crying and feeling cold and desolate, empty, Lost… Lost I am indeed without her bright, loving eyes to look into and know everything is gonna be all right. I keep looking around the bedroom and seeing all of Her things, and I can’t help but thinking to myself that she just might change her mind and decide to come home to me. But alas, it seems every time I see her or talk to her on the phone, she manages to stamp out any kindling of hope I may have. As the Mushroomhead song says, “You take me Higher than the Lowest Place Yet, One More Day To Regret”. I think that seems to sum it up pretty well. Compassion Has been Cancelled and no feelings will be spared. The Dream is Definetely over. I know because when she walked in after missing for five days, I asked Her if I was dreaming, and she said, “No, this is definitely Real”. That’s when I knew it was over. Yet I still hope and pray that she will change her mind. And I honestly do not know if I can really handle living Life without her in my life. Not to be Melodramatic or anything, but she really does mean the Whole Universe to me. And without her, there is pretty much nothing discernable I can think of that is worth even waking up in the morning for. Not even Music or Writing seem to make me happy anymore, they hardly even keep my mind off of Her. Shit I feel as if I might as well have all my limbs amputated because they are of no use to me anymore. I sometimes wish I could amputate my mind because it incessantly dwells on this whole situation with Her. I cannot escape the pain even in sleep because I have dreams about Her, and I have been crying in my sleep even. That’s when you know the pain is really bad because even your Sub-Consious mind is affected by it. Everytime I hear a vehicle that sounds even vaguely like her Ex’s van, I sit up hoping that she is coming home to stay, and I look out the window only to be let down because it is not Her, only some other vehicle. It is really quite sad that I do this, because it seems she has really been thorough and final about letting me know that she is leaving me. I just hope that she truly heard me when I told her about the bad feeling I had about her leaving with her ex. I worry that he will not take care of her or even leave her stranded somewhere where she doesn’t know anyone. Not to mention that I also worry that he will make her problems even worse, or even hurt Her physically or mentally. If I ever found out he does any such thing, I would track him to the ends of the Earth and make him suffer and pay for such an atrocity. Just even thinking of any such thing makes me physically sick to my stomach. I just got off the phone with her and I must say, it was a very interesting conversation. The way she was talking and some of what she said once again has sparked that glimmer of hope for me. But I know not to allow myself to believe it might happen only to be let down once again in the end. The Sleeping Gentle Giant Journals December 26, 2003 The woman lay quietly sleeping next to him in the bed they had once shared, not too long ago together, dreaming of what, he could not tell. Nor would he probably ever know what she dreamed, for she scarcely even told him what was troubling her when she had come over in the dead of Christmas night. She had only said that she had had a really bad day and that she felt sick, and had said nothing more. Well, being empathetic like he was, and knowing her fairly well, he could tell that a lot was troubling her. So he did not try to pry any further, only telling her that if she wished to talk about her day and what was wrong, that he was a very good listener. He felt good when she replied that she knew he Was, in fact, a damn good listener. Soon after arriving, she had commented to him that she was feeling very tired, which he could plainly see in the way her face looked to him, that she was extremely tired, so he suggested that she lay down. To this she said that she could not fall asleep here, and this hurt him deeply, to which he replied, “Why Not?” She told him, matter of factly, that she was expected at her Mother’s house, which he could understand. But what he really could not understand was why she kept acting like a cornered animal whenever he would try to touch her, comfort her as a friend, or try to help her in some way. Over the last couple of days since she had broke off the relationship with him, he had been noticing these odd little quirks in her that involved him in any way. She seemed to loathe hugging him, or even coming in any physical contact with him. In the back of his mind he vaguely felt as though she thought he carried the Plague or some such notion, and this really hurt Damien deeply. Here was the woman he Loved and Cared for so much, and she seemed like she was afraid of him. But even through all of this, Damien still Loved her and he would stand solid and firm for her in case she might actually need his help. And he would continue to do so as long as they both may live and beyond. For, he Loved her, and that is what people in Love do for each other, and he knew that if it is actually possible, he would be there for her for all Eternity. Soon after saying how tired she was, she finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion, both physically and mentally, quickly falling asleep in a fetal position beside Damien. He sat for awhile next to her watching her with concern, for he could tell that whatever had happened to her since he last saw her had definitely taken its toll on the very fabric of her soul. He could literally feel her psychic wounds from where he sat watching her. Silently, Damien uttered words of healing to himself, hoping to help ease her pain so that she may sleep more soundly. Eventually he did try to wake her, to see if she wanted to get to her Mother’s house, when she had said previously was expecting her, but to no avail. She was too exhausted to waken. He tried a couple more times to wake her, for if she had to be at her mother’s, he did not want her upset with Him for not trying to wake her. But alas, she could not be woken, and he felt it best for her to get some sleep and be comfortable. He felt that she would understand and might actually be thankful to him for letting her rest, but he would not know for sure until she actually woke the next morning. And even if she did get upset with him, Damien was content knowing that he had done what was in her best interest, and that was well worth any tongue lashing he might endure because of his decision. As the night wore on and she slept, Damien sat thinking of the irony of this situation. What was ironic was that just the previous night, he had been laying in bed thinking about her and how much he missed just having her near him, crying tears of loss and pain. And now, tonight he sat watching her sleep, crying tears of loss and pain as she lay not even a few inches away from him, but yet she seemed so very far away. So far away from him in some place he would probably never get to know because she would no longer share such details with him ever again. Here she was right in front of him, but yet he could not even get an inkling of information from her about what was troubling her, or if there was even one little thing he could do to change her mind or make her feel better. She had closed herself off to him, or so it seemed. It’s funny, thought Damien, how time can go by so slowly when you are waiting for something or someone, but yet time flies by when that something or somebody finally gets there. He felt that this evening with Her had flown by him, seeming like he only got to spend mere seconds with her. It always seemed like that with her lately. One second, she is there talking with him, and then he blinks and she is gone without a trace and he is left with only memories and that aching, longing feeling to be with her once more. As he sat and watched the woman sleep, Damien could not help but start crying as he gazed upon her beautiful features. He remembered how much he loved to hold her close as they would fall asleep together, how he would come into the room and just watch her sleep before he would wake her up for yet another day. Eventually, Damien decided to lay down also, carefully positioning himself close to her but yet not touching her so she would not get upset with him. As he lay next to the woman he loved so dearly, a grand feeling came over him when, in her sleep, she had turned in just such a way that brought her closer to him to where their bodies were touching. In Damien's mind it seemed that she had sub-consciously made this move of her own free will and actually meant to bring herself closer to him. Or at least so he had imagined. Not being one to read too closely into coincidences, Damien didn't make a big deal of it to himself and just lay there next to her with a sigh and smile of contentedness, being overjoyed with the chance to be close to her once again. Damien knew that he may never have the opportunity to lay so close to her ever again, so he smiled, layed back crying happily and made the most of it. He watched her and listened to her breathe, becoming intoxicated by the sight, sound and smell of her, basking in her prescence. As sleep drew nearer for Damien, he began to reflect on how he had come to be in the right place, at the right time to meet this woman who just so happened to perfectly fit what he considered his "Dream Girl." A dream girl that Damien had constructed in his mind over the years that he considered his ideal woman and mate. He knew in general what this woman would look like, sound like and how well she would compliment his personality traits and actually be the Yin to his Yang. She would be his Best Friend, his Lover, His Advisor, His Confidant just as he would be to Her. Before Damien and his mother had moved to this town, he had not really wanted to move to this place because it was yet even further from all of his friends and places he knew so well all of his life. And being further meant it would be that much harder for him to return to where he felt he belonged. This actually scared Damien-The Unknown... But as Fate would have it, he and his mother had started to look for a new home in this place beyond places. And as they went from place to place looking for one that felt comfortable for both of them, Damien began to feel despair. That was until they came to this One Particular Place... As they drew closer to this place, Damien's mother was telling him all about the house and how she thought it seemed a nice place to live and such, when all of the sudden, his senses perked up and he got that "Feeling." It's that feeling you get when you just know deep down that this is just SO RIGHT! And the closer they got, the stronger his feeling grew until they finally arrived, and he just KNEW this was Home. Excited, Damien jumped out of the car and began to look around the outside of the house and everything around it. As he was exploring, his mother informed him that the Manager of the park lived right across the street and that hopefully meant that all might be safer and quieter because of this. As she pointed the Manager's house out to him, Damien started to just give a precursory glance in order to pacify his mother so she would leave him alone to explore, when something caught his eye. The whole world dissolved around him as he focused on the most magnificent and beautiful creature God had ever put upon the earth in all its history- It was Her! The woman he instantly fell in Love with just so happened to be their Manager's daughter, but that meant nothing to Damien. He stood transfixed as he stared at her across the street, walking elegantly and gracefully across his field of vision. From the first moment he saw her, he knew that he Loved Her and that she WAS his "Dream Girl," only much better than he had ever imagined. And from then on it seemed that he had accidentally stumbled into Heaven, for that is how every moment he spent with her felt to him. Thinking back on all this, Damien felt that when he left Her to go to Illinois in May, that was the biggest, dumbest mistake he had ever made in his whole life. This being because when he came back for Her in September, he found out that she had gotten back with her ex-boyfriend and had been living with him pretty much the whole time Damien had been away. And he felt his mistake in leaving Her was the basis for what he was now going through with Her. If he had never left in the first place, things may have turned out completely different, and he would not be sitting here crying as he longed to touch the woman sleeping beside him that he loved more than life itself. He wanted to bang his head against a brick wall and scream out for his stupidity. He wanted to claw his own eyes out so that he would not have to endure looking upon his own mistakes. He wished that he would cease existing so as not to feel what he felt inside himself. Damien was startled out of his thoughts as the woman mumbled something in her sleep and turned over and away from him. He looked into her sleeping face and wished he could somehow telepathically make everything right with her again. "If only there was some way I could talk with her while we are sleeping," Damien thought to himself, "maybe I could tell her everything I feel and think and she would be able to understand exactly what I mean." How he ached to reach over and hug her tightly to himself and nuzzle his face into the crook of her shoulder where he knew he felt safest and most comfortable with her. As he looked upon her sleeping form, he realized with a start that he truly feared not having her by his side, that he feared facing life without Her. To not have her there to tell him that she Loved him and that everything would be all right, scared him to Death! To not have her support and well-wishing made him feel empty and cold, and like a little lost and frightened child. His last conscious thought before drifting off into the realm of sleep and dreams of Her was one simple thought- How much he truly Loved this woman sleeping beside him that he could no longer touch... And with that, he fell into a fitful sleep. The next morning, after a night of fragmented, torturous dreams of the woman beside him, he awoke feeling groggy, almost like he had a hangover, though he had not been drinking the night before. He quietly slipped out of the bed so as to not disturb his sleeping Goddess, and slowly began to get dressed. When he finished, he stood for a few moments gazing at her sleeping form in the light of the early morning. He silently thanked God for being able to sleep next to her once more, then made his way quietly from the bedroom to the kitchen to make some coffee and start the day. Oh what he would give for things to be different. He would give anything in order for Her and himself to go back to the way they were when she was still happy with him, when she still wanted to Marry Damien.

Leave a comment!
html comments NOT enabled!
NOTE: If you post content that is offensive, adult, or NSFW (Not Safe For Work), your account will be deleted.[?]

giphy icon
last post
15 years ago
posts
20
views
5,787
can view
everyone
can comment
everyone
atom/rss

other blogs by this author

 15 years ago
Movies Stuff
 15 years ago
Earthquake!!! WooHoo!
 15 years ago
Midgets? WherE?
 15 years ago
Pass The Axe!!!
 15 years ago
What Is A Juggalo?
official fubar blogs
 8 years ago
fubar news by babyjesus  
 13 years ago
fubar.com ideas! by babyjesus  
 10 years ago
fubar'd Official Wishli... by SCRAPPER  
 10 years ago
Word of Esix by esixfiddy  

discover blogs on fubar

blog.php' rendered in 0.0806 seconds on machine '7'.