It's been a few days, but that was intentional. I wanted to get the feel of living with her again. I can hardly say things are great, but they are far from bad.
It's strange after all the fighting and drama we have managed to stay very civil to one another. I guess after the first night, I realized that as much anguish as she put me through she honestly regretted it. She hasn't come out and said those exact words, but her demeanor towards me has changed.
I want to talk to her about some things but I don't want to break the peace. I want to ask her why. I want to ask her if it was worth it? I want to ask her if she still doubts that I loved her or still do. I don't want her to think I am trying to say "I told you so.", I just want to know the answers to those questions.
I know it sounds like she is a horrible person from what she has done, but she isn't. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. She is really a good person with a big heart, I think she just got scared and flipped out when I confronted her. I don't know really. All I know is she fucked up a lot of things and is trying to make them right.
I let her know I can forgive her, but I can never forget what she did to me, and it's true. I wont ever forget her...the good and the bad.
I look in on her every now and then and I can see it in her body language and her actions that she feels that I hate her, and I probably should, but I don't...I can't...I love her still, seeing her down and needing to be comforted hurts my heart. I want to hold her but I can't, I don't want her to take things the wrong way.
I want her to know that I am where I always have been, right here for her. I know it sounds like I am falling for her again but that's not it. I never stopped loving her. I am moving on, I found someone that makes me happy and I am going to see where that leads. I told her about everything that's going on and she understands and knows I am just trying to maintain. She lifts my spirits when they start to get down, and she doesn't pressure me into anything. She is patient and knows that I need some time right now to get things straight and understands that friendship is all this ever may be.
