Over 16,525,091 people are on fubar.
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1.) change begging bums: is there any kind of screening process that you put your targets through? How has the withering economy changed your take of the tail end of our hourly earnings? Have you changed your diet from the morning diarrhea on rye sammich and 22oz. 211 steel reserve? Should i consider getting myself a set of fucked up clothes and practice my puppy dog eyes peering through a shaggy beard and toothless grin? I know that there really are people out there with serious problems and the results have landed them on the unforgiving streets of the city....this is not my complaint. My complaint is that there are places that will hire a strong hand for bullshit jobs so you can buy your own damn can of shitty beer and loaf of bread to make a sammich out of whatever it is you find most appealing out of the dumpster. Stop asking me. I hate it. For those of you creative enough to make a cute little cardboard sign stating your basic needs for the day and what you're willing to do for those needs, a most sincere and compassionate "fuck you" goes out to you, coasting on wings made of the sturdiest cardboard, and powered by a motor that runs on only the coldest of shitty beers. Stop being an asshole. If you have enough money to afford a marker and make a sign to annoy people with, you had enough money to get your ass on a bus and hit a labor ready center. Boasting your little sign in various intersections, strategically placed at a stop light that runs extra long! bastards. How do you think your colleagues feel when they see you have a sign???? pricks.
2.)the faux flatus: I'm sure i am not entirely alone on this. If you fail to identify then it's simply because you're afraid to acknowledge. I'm ok with you being a bitch....its cool.
Church pews and dinner chairs alike have produced this wonderfully comical, yet frustrating phenomena. The dormant rouge chair squeak or "tone" if you will, will only appear at your most focused moment. Giving the other party the impression that you have just ass burped at a dinner table or in church. By focused i mean, all eyes on you, and the conversation appears to have stopped all at once to intensify the acoustics of the "tone". As if it had a cue to come out and be part of the festivities. That squeak could have been waiting to be released for as long as the chair has been around. As if it were William Wallace giving out its last "freeeeedom" cry. Now i fuckin DARE you to try and appease the increasingly humiliating moment by recreating such a noise from the chair. That fuckin chair will remain silent until its last ass has plopped on it. So it goes.....you are now in the proud moment of a dinner fart. The church pew on the other hand, produces a different "tone" altogether. More of a falsetto note, not to say that the pew is any comparison to Susan Boyle, the simple fact remains that its in church....a place built to amplify sounds and praise towards Big daddy, junior, and spook. Who appear to suffer from hearing loss. Buck up, if it was a healthy noise from the chair/pew, then claim that shit with a smile. Be proud of something you didn't create. People do it everyday.
3.)chain text messages involving X amount of years in bad luck should it not be sent to X amount of people in X amount of time: FUCK you.....dont send me that shit. I dont care about amber alerts either....that shit is all bogus. At what point in your feeble mind has it ever seemed as though a real streak of bad luck will inhabit your already shitty luck if you dont forward a text message to X amount of people who could equally care less?????? I have to do all i can to keep from going on a god damn killing spree when i get these tidbits of tardo on my fucking phone. Visions of cutting the Achilles tendons and baby Jessica'n that stupid ass down a well plague me as i delete each one. For those that commit such an offense, attach a picture of your tits. At least make it worth my extremely precious time. Last time i checked, violent mythical creatures with an appetite for destruction and wave of bad luck left in their wake, were never kept at bay by forwarding stupidity via text message. If anyone has a different outlook on this and thinks that their lives have been saved by text messages such as this...please do me a favor and maim your genitals beyond recognition with a red hot coat hanger so i never have to worry about your children interacting with my own someday. i hate your fucking faces
