when i left work i was going a little fast trying to get to my foster parents to do christmas and there was some ice i didnt see. i was hitting the breaks to come around a corner and hit some ice spinning out. i swerved into the other lane and then into the ditch and over the other side. luckily i stopped before hitting a tree. during the middle of it i thought im gonna die and i was almost happy in one sense because sometimes when im driving i imagine myself just swirving into another car or a tree. i was half scared half glad i think.
i had to back out of the ditch and back onto the road and then my car wouldnt start it took 5 or 10 minutes to get it started which worried me cuz i didnt have a working cell phone with me. i got a bunch of dishes which is fine tho i already have way too many/ its only me i dont have a family and im never going to. its always going to just be me. not to sound negative but im feeling emotional and negative now. i was in a good mood when i left work now im just depressed and trying to pretend im ok cuz im with family. *sigh* same as last christmas. i started crying after getting my car started because i started thinking of ravyn and how i love her and im not ready to give up and die yet. even if i think of it a lot im still holding on too strongly for that.
i bought everyone at work a cookie which i made, and i bought a few people some donuts. some guy came in seeming like things werent going so well and he was just getting coffee so i paid for it which seemed to make him feel a bit better. i didnt need presents or anything. i dont care about material things much anymore/ i only want and need one thing, but i dont think ill get it anytime soon and its selfish to want anything for myself. i get to work again tonight. im not wanting to go to work i have two more nights too. i just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
i got a small mp3 player, now as good as my ipod but it works. my ipod dies with in five minutes if its not plugged in so now i have something i can put some music on for the day or whatever and go for a walk which is good. i miss my midnight walks listening to music. derek is cooking breakfast and then im gonna go home and sleep. i was gonna come back over before work but i dont know with how i feel right now i dont want to be around people at the moment. well i guess thats it for now, dont want to be overly depressing or negative. i was in a good mood for about 15 minutes until spinning out.
