What would you do if you had a crystal ball and
you could foresee your spouse having an affair 3
months from now?
Imagine what it would feel like to know your
spouse cheated. Maybe you don't have to
imagine... maybe it's already happened. If so, I
am truly sorry.
Once you've experienced an affair, you've walked
through a one-way door you can never go back
through again.
No matter how much you wish the affair never
happened, no matter how much you want your
relationship to "go back to the way it was,"
that can never happen.
None of us can undo the past. Whether you're the
cheater or the injured person, the affair is a
reality you are going to have to live with from
now on. That's true whether you decide to repair
your marriage or not. The affair is never going
to go away.
But what about stopping an affair before it ever
starts? And what about protecting your
relationship from the possibility of future
affairs? Is it possible to do that?
Yes, it is ... at least to some degree.
Of course, you can't ever completely control the
actions of another human being. You can't "make"
your spouse not cheat on you. If he or she
chooses to take that road, there's no blockade
you can put up to prevent him or her from going
down it.
But there are ways you can make it a little less
likely your spouse will take that road in the
first place, and there are ways for a cheater to
start being aware of what actions might lead him
or her down the path to another affair.
You see, even cheaters don't start off their
marriage thinking, "I know, I'll get married,
and later I'll sleep around or at least have sex
with someone else." In almost all cases, it just
doesn't work that way.
Instead people end up in a series of situations
that makes the possibility of an affair more and
more likely. You can avoid these early
situations if you are diligent and assertive and
know what to be aware of.
I know you want to protect your marriage from an
affair. This is true whether you have already
been through one or not. For that reason, in the
next 3 articles I am going to do a mini-series
on how to stop affairs before they start, and
how to protect your marriage for your future.
Even if you haven't been through an affair, you
can use the ideas in this series to inoculate
your relationship against future affairs.
You can't undo the past, but you can change the
future. You can't "go back to the way things
were," but many of you can make your marriage
better than ever.
You need to protect your marriage to keep it
safe from affairs. I will be giving you tips in
this article and the ones to follow, which can
help protect your marriage from affairs.
1) Don't Invite Trouble into Your Marriage
I once had a client, let's call him Tom, tell me
the following story after he found out his wife,
let's call her Janice, had cheated on him:
My wife Janice had always wanted to learn to
play the piano, and I wanted to do something
really nice for her 35th birthday. So I decided
to meet with one of the best piano teachers in
town to see if he would give her lessons.
This guy was a complete hunk. I even knew that,
and I'm a guy! He was handsome, muscular,
charming and talented. It was like he was the
perfect man.
But all I was thinking about was that Janice had
wanted piano lessons since she was a kid, and
this guy came with glowing recommendations from
one of my friends. I hired him without a second
thought.
I guess looking back, I should have known
better. Within a few months, Janice was having
an affair with this man. I feel kind of foolish
now, but I never even saw it coming. After all,
she was my wife!"
I really felt for Tom, and at the same time, I
realized he had made a mistake hiring that
particular piano teacher.
Of course, the affair wasn't his fault. And I
want to emphasize that point strongly. When an
affair happens, only one person is responsible
for making it happen-the cheater.
However, inviting an attractive male piano
teacher in to his home to meet privately with
his wife should have raised some red flags for
Tom.
When your marriage is going well and even when
it's not going well but you have full faith in
your partner's integrity, most of you will find
it just about impossible to imagine that your
spouse might ever have an affair.
That was Tom's attitude. He didn't think he had
to do anything extra to protect against an
affair. He was even giving a loving "gift" of
lessons for his wife.
Generally speaking, you should be wary of any
interactions you or your spouse has with someone
of the opposite gender.
This is very important for people who have
already been through affairs, but it is also
important for people who haven't and simply want
to make their marriage as safe as possible.
In my opinion, when a man and a woman are
together repeatedly and especially if they are
alone, there is a potential for a spark to
ignite.
No matter how "mature" you are, no matter how
"open- minded" you are about male to female
relationships, the underlying sexual chemistry
between men and women can make your resolve
difficult at times.
Every one of you has a choice about how you act,
but those choices can easily be muddled and
complicated when your biology is telling you to
act in one way while your mind is telling you
something else.
An affair can begin even if only one of the
paramours has an interest-even if the other
person has absolutely no interest and no
attraction at the beginning.
Does this mean you should avoid all interactions
with people of the opposite gender?
That isn't realistic in today's world.
However, it does mean you should be wary any
time you or your spouse is interacting with
someone of the opposite sex. And it also means
that to a large degree one-on-one interactions
with people of the opposite sex should mostly be
limited to a professional basis, or arranged
carefully to avoid alone time together.
Let me give you a personal example. I have a
woman friend, a professional colleague, whom I
have known longer than I have known my wife.
We were never romantically involved. I was best
friends with her first husband at one time, and
she worked at my clinic for a time. When he left
her and moved away with someone else, she and I
remained friends.
Just as a matter of course, we meet only in
public places where I am a familiar face and
many people know my wife. I always invite my
wife along-they know and like each other-and
tell her where we will be. If my wife declines,
I always leave the invitation open for her to
join us during the meal, if she changes her
mind.
These precautions are unnecessary, because we
have never expressed any kind of verbal or non-
verbal interest in each other. We meet once or
twice a year, although we have met up to four
times in a year, and we skip some years
altogether.
And yet, I keep the precautions in place anyway.
Isn't that what "precautions" are: preliminary
actions that are not necessary but provide an
additional level of assurance?
We do not meet or talk frequently and don't hang
out regularly together like "buddies."
Why am I going into such detail about this
relationship?
Because I think that any male to female or
female to male relationship is a risk. And, I
believe this kind of thinking is important for
any marriage you want to protect.
Thinking like this and using precautions like
these become especially important if you have
suffered from an affair. If this is the case,
you already know you or your spouse has a
weakness of character. Why agitate problems that
could easily be avoided with forethought?
I know what you're thinking: you're thinking,
"Dr. Gunzburg, this all sounds so old-fashioned.
You need to wake up and get with the modern
era."
Believe me when I tell you I have not always
taken this "traditional" approach to male to
female or female to male relationships. I didn't
always think the way I do now about these
issues.
However, one of the big problems I encounter
over and over again in my work is when couples
do not create strict enough boundaries around
their relationships concerning friends or
associates of the opposite sex.
Imagine how you might react if you were the
woman receiving piano lessons in the story
above. (If you're a man simply reverse the
gender roles.) Imagine you meet this gorgeous,
interesting person who shares the same passions
you do, and happens to be an expert in a hobby
you have always wanted to take up.
He has to sit next to you for some of the
teaching, or lean over your shoulder and you can
feel his breath on your neck. He puts his hand
on your back for balance, or to emphasize his
point, or to give you encouragement.
Would there possibly be some temptation there?
I'm sure you're thinking, "I would never cheat
no matter what!" And maybe you wouldn't. Maybe
you don't have the "leaky character" I have
discussed in previous articles. Maybe you could
stand up in the face of temptation, and do the
right thing.
But why take the risk?!!? There are other piano
teachers in the world. There are other people
you could have intimate friendships with. Why
does it have to be with someone of the opposite
sex?
Ultimately this is all about risk-management,
priorities, creating boundaries, and building
fences around your marriage-issues I have
discussed in various other parts of my writing.
It's your life. No one can "tell you what to
do." I surely can't, nor would I want to. You
have to decide how much risk you are willing to
take.
I don't skydive. Maybe you do. Personally, I
think it's dangerous. The possibility of death
is imminent, and it doesn't seem like that
moment of exhilaration is worth the risk to me.
By the same token I don't have intimate, solo
interactions with people of the opposite sex-
I've told you the extent of my relationship with
my best and longest-term female friend.
As interesting or compelling as any person might
be on any number of levels, my relationship with
my wife is too important to take the risk of
being too close with a woman or being "buddies"
together.
In fact, if you are spending frequent quality
time with someone of the opposite sex, this
behavior might be seen as demeaning and
disrespectful to your spouse.
If you're recovering from an affair, you already
know these situations present a risk for you. If
you're the cheater and you are serious about
repairing your marriage, you should be willing
to limit (and perhaps eliminate) contact with
people of the opposite sex.
Your limits will depend on what you and your
spouse decide is appropriate. The two of you
should sit down and talk together about what
your boundaries are regarding these issues. For
a more specific method for talking about these
issues, I recommend you see chapter 10 of my
book Saving Your Marriage.
[Use this link to purchase Saving Your
Marriage:
http://www.savingmymarriagenow.com/?i=603]
If you have had an affair before, I recommend
you reign n your boundaries pretty tightly,
using some of the suggestions I have offered
above. Due to the fact that you now have a
history of giving in to temptation, you want to
put the safest plan you can create into place.
I know this might not be comfortable at first.
You may even have to sacrifice some friendships
in order to make it happen. And in some cases
that can be a difficult sacrifice to make.
In time, it will get easier. And keep in mind
that you are making these sacrifices for the
most important relationship in your life-your
marriage.
In my view, sacrifices like this are worth it if
it keeps your marriage safe.
One-on-one interactions with people of the
opposite sex present a risk to your marriage.
That is a reality. If you want your relationship
to be as safe as possible, I recommend you limit
(or eliminate) these interactions. It minimizes
your risk, and is a powerful symbol to your
spouse about how serious you are about your
marriage.
In the next blog you will get part 2 of this
series on stopping affairs before they start. In
that article I will teach you how to monitor
your inner reactions to situations that present
a danger for your marriage, and how to talk
honestly with your spouse about them so you can
save your marriage before further problems
occur.
============================================
If you relationship has been torn apart by an
affair, then I am going to ask you to purchase
my program.
If you haven't yet purchased the program I am
going to ask you to do so now. The cost of the
program is less than 1 hour of marriage
counseling.
There are three distinct phases you
need to go through in specific order after you
experience an affair. These phases of healing
will make the difference.
Phase I: Individual Healing - Understanding Personal
Feelings and Sorting through Emotions
>> Take control of the paralyzing emotions.
>> Regain your sense of stability and get rid
of the images.
>> Eliminate the paranoia and restore your
self-confidence.
>> Cut-off the affair and move back to your spouse.
>> Replace the lies with truth and start over.
>> Understand why the affair happened.
>> Uncover what was missing and how to add it.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple - Working Together to
Identify and Resolve Key Issues
>> Accelerate the healing process: Protect your
relationship from further harm.
>> Discover how to talk about the details.
>> Transform your relationship with a heart-felt
apology.
>> Generate new honest communication.
>> Ignite a renewed life-long commitment.
>> Capture peace of mind with true forgiveness.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship
- Understanding How to Rebuild and
Sustain a New Trust-filled Partnership
>> Eliminate the suspicion with complete
transparency.
>> Restore your sex life without haunting visions.
>> Affair-proof your marriage for life.
>> Develop lasting safety, honesty and intimacy.
>> Accept the past without being tormented
I stand behind my program and guarantee that
if you don't change your relationship and make
it better than ever, I will buy it back from you.
There is nothing to lose. Please take the initiative
and get started.
Go here now and begin healing your relationship
after the affair:
>> http://www.howtosurvivetheaffair.com/?i=602
As always, I wish you all the best on your road
to a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
P.S. Please post a comment on this blog by
clicking over to this page now:
http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/stopping-an-affair-before-it-starts
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