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Its been over a year & I still hurt, heart still aches & body still yearns...when will the feelings die? They say time heals all wounds but how much time...? I've moved on with friends, I've moved on with lovers, and I'ved moved on with with my life. But still I wake in the still of night reaching out to a memory that will never be again! I try not to visit places where I might encounter a confrontation. The few times I had the opportunity I walked away making no eye contact. I try not to remember the good times and only concentrate on the bad. It still does me no good. I still look for the car when I go anywhere...I still look for the face in a crowd...I still cry myself to sleep. All the could of's, and would of's, and should of's never leave my subconscious. I try not to dwell on the whole situation because I cannot change it, but in the loneliness of my soul, I am broken!
To make a bad situation worse...
I found the pictures of a happier time. A place and time in my life where I was the happiest I've ever been! Before it all went to hell, before I found strength from a plastic bag with the corner filled white powder, before I lost my job, my worldly possessions, before I lost my soul, my love and my life as I knew it!
I have to let go...I have to forget just as he did! I just can't let myself be carried away with the 'what ifs'! I've been depressed for 2 days, isolated from family and yes...wanting that shit once again! Just a phone call & I could be snorting a line from here to Fayetteville, like a Hoover Vac! LMAO!
I have my life back on track again, I don't have everything I want in life but I have the most important....my kids, my family, friends...and I have ambition...motivation.... one day...not too far from now...I will have a career again and Bachelor degree in 3 years (maybe). I have to keep my head up! I have to keep the demons at bay! I'm not religious but today...I PRAY!
