Today I am broken once again. My heart has been trampled into soo many pieces I don't think I'll ever think it will heal. Everyone around me is happy. They have good lives and jobs and friends that are near. They do stuff and know how to have fun. Its been soo long since i've had fun I think I forget what its like. I spend everyday operating as if i was a robot, i get up do work for my parents, go to work, come home and sleep and then repeat. Day in and Day out. I meet someone go out for what i thought was a sucessful date, then he ends up just fucking w/ my head. Callilng me and saying u want to go out making plans and never falling through with it. This just breaks me into even more pieces. I mean its not that i had feelings for him, but its the idea i've just never been good enough for anyone. I understand why people want me to be their "dirty little secret" but honestly i'm not comfortable with it. I'm sorry i'm not pretty and skinny and good. But i am who I am. I don't lie, I feel like i'm there for people, I consider myself halfway decently smart, I'm a very loyal friend I will do anything for my friends. I love with all my heart and am very giving. I just don't feel I have many that would return the favor. Sometimes I wonder if I died today would anywone even notice. To be honest I don't think they would, or if they did it would take a long long time. I've become resigned to the fact that I am going to live my life alone. As it is I never go out hardly cause i don't have any friends around here. Half the time when i do go out i have to lie to my parents because if its someone they don't know, I'm not allowed to go. I"m scared to go on living because I can't handle being a dissapointment to my parents anymore and I'm scared of being hurt even more if that is possible, and i'm super scared about ending up alone w/ no one around who cares about me. Thats why feel like it would almost be better to just get the hell now. save myself some pain. I don't really know what to do anymore i'm just lost and alone. Sorry for the rambling if someone actually reads this.
