When does life restart itself after the loss of someone you love?
When do the tears stop when you look at their picture or hear their favorite song?
When does it become time you can face going to their graveside?
When does the murderous thoughts disipate?
When does the rage in your soul seese to exist?
When does the guilt?
It still comes in waves. I think one day im doing fine and make plans to go back and visit .. and it gets time to go and i shut down.
Then i feel guilty.
It has been 7 months and i have not been to her graveside sence the day we layed her to rest, or to where she got killed at.
My son told me this morning that he wanted to die. (something he has said alot latley when hes mad) In shock i asked him why because this time was out of the blue. He said he wanted to see Ashley and make sure she was alright. I told him that shes better now and shes in heaven waiting on us. I told him that if he died he couldnt just come back.
The weird thing is its like he read my mind at that moment. There have been many times i wish i could transport myself back to the last conversation i had with her.. and just talk............... i dont care what its about.......just talk just let her know that i was here for her .. and that we loved her so fucking much.......
I miss her so much. I have so much hate for the person who hit her and the police who stood by and did nothing about it to punish him. I no longer wish his death because death would be to easy. I want him to live with the torment and destruction his neglegence caused. I want him to take in every breath knowing that she no longer can.
On mothers day this year i was given the last picture taken of her. Sometimes i look at it and start to cry till im exhausted.
No drug is strong enough to drown the pain, they just dull it just enough to get by another day. Im tired of just getting by.
Is anyone feeling what im saying? Does it ever change?
