[PROLOGUE]
These are a few of my favorite scenarios from my Pink Bible, titled Would You Rather: Over 200 Absolutely Absurd Dilemmas to Ponder, writtnen by Justin Heimberg & David Gomberg.
One of my favorite reads of all time.
I have marked the ones I have deemed the most entertaining...
...and I wanted to make sure you readers get to enjoy them.
Thought-inspiring material. Let's ride.
Would You Rather...
Mission 1: You've Been Cursed
There are the circumstances: A powerful deity descends from on high and informs you that, for reasons beyond your understanding, you must live out the remainder of your life plagued with a terrible curse -- a bizarre behavioral disorder, an outragious physical deformity, an irksome inconvenience, etc. The deity is not without compassion, however. He allows you to choose between two possible fates.
Would you rather:
have a sinus infection where anytime you sneeze while in the presence of others, they change sex
or
have the inability to distinguish the difference between babies and English muffins?
(Things to consider: grocery shopping, buttering, watching a football game during allergy season)
have to sleep each night between a mattress and a box spring
or
be allowed to listen to only one musical piece the rest of your life -- "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc.
(Things to consider: your wedding day, your wedding night)
have an invariable tendency to introduce yourself and others in the voice and style of a professional wrestling announcer (i.e. "From parts unknown, weighing in at 165 pounds...")
or
have your legal name changed to "Pumpy"?
(Things to consider: job applications, job interviews)
emit the smell of sulfur every time you smile
or
cry glue?
be restricted to using lip balm as a writing utensil
or
be plagued with the inescapable and involuntary tendency to insert the word "bucket" as every other word you say (i.e. "Hey bucket, Seth bucket. How bucket, are bucket, you bucket, doing bucket, today bucket")?
vomit marbles
or
sweat cheese?
be a super villian called "The Pharmacist"
or
be the god of upholstery?
Mission 2: Sex
Content with your sex life? Well, the deity isn't, and for reasons beyond your understanding, it's imperative that he spices it up. But how? A hang-up? A fetish? A mandatory feat of perverted passion? There are so many ways for a nearly omnipotent deity to meddle with your love life, and there's nothing you can do about it. You need not feel entirely powerless, of course. Once again you may (and must) choose between two possible fates.
Would you rather:
watch a porno movie with your parents
or
watch a porno movie starring your parents?
have sexual organs that glow red like ET's heart when you're attracted to someone
or
have the faint sound of playground chatter perpetually emanating from your crotch?
(Things to consider: funerals, wearing white pants, oral sex)
have sultry porno music sound out whenever you make a romantic advance
or
lose all sexual inhibition in the presence of cantaloupe?
(Things to consider: possible X-rated film career, fruit salad at Grandma's)
never have sex again
or
have sex once... with a walrus.
(Things to consider: ever increasing irritability, tusks)
experience orgasm upon hearing the word "pancake"
or
reflexively belt out the chorus of "Come on, Eileen" up reaching climax?
(Things to consider: family brunches, breakfast at IHOP)
administer a "BJ" to every member of the Oakridge Boys
or
be double-teamed by Grimace and Mayor McCheese?
(Things to consider: special sauce, Grimace's tremendous staying power)
have sex in front of your parents
or
have sex in front of twenty thousand-plus screaming professional wresting fans?
(Things to consider: the shame you'll feel if the fans chant, "Bor-ing. Bor-ing." The shame you'll feel if your parents chant, "Bor-ing. Bor-ing."
have your romantic moments scored by an Air Supply soundtrack
or
make the sounds of a pinball machine during intercourse?
have sex with Tom Bosley and receive 15,000 dollars' worth of non-redeemable arcade tokens
or
have sex with Tom Cruise and get a venereal disease called "Pubic Elves" where little men infest your crotch area, leaving nothing but a sparkling green rash?
have seventeen testicles
or
just one testicle the size of a coconut?
be able to give other people orgasms simply by clapping your hands
or
regularly attend orgies with the Superfriends?
(Things to consider: Wondertwin powers, Batman's utility belt, Aquaman's flounder fetish)
Mission 3: Not-Quite-Super-Powers
You've caught the deity in a good mood. He decides that you deserve a break and offers you the chance to live the reset of your life blessed with a special ability -- a power, a gift of sorts. He even gives you a say in the matter, allowing you to choose between to possible fortunate fates.
Would you rather:
have the power to shave just by thinking really hard
or
have an unexplainable gift, whereupon flushing the toilet, everybody in the building renounces their religion?
(Things to consider: impressing dates, bar mitzvahs)
Mission 4: Deaths, Tortures, and Other Generally Unpleasant Stuff
Unfortunately, we all must die and, in many of the following cases, suffer a horrible death of incredibly unnatural causes. Why? Reasons beyond your understanding. Of course, not all of the following choices concern death. Sometimes it is a painful torture you must suffer or a repulsive and dangerous act that you must commit.
Would you rather:
swallow a dozen thumbtacks
or
cut off your lower lip with a rusty pair of scissors?
have your left eyeball pierced with a pin
or
have your right Achilles' tendon snipped with gardening clippers?
After you die, would you rather...
be preserved in ice and displayed in the House of Chinese Gournet in Rockville, Maryland
or
have your body donated to a couple of kids in the neighborhood who think they can do "some really cool stuff"?
notice live maggots in your Milky Way after you've eaten two bites
or
find a few pubic hairs at the bottom of your Caesar salad?
break a light bulb in your mouth
or
be slashed with a thousand paper cuts and then dipped into a giant bowl of rubbing alcohol?
watch a man get hit by a speeding truck
or
your parents having sex?
remove a thirty-foot tapeworm from a rhinoceros
or
be ejeculated on by Snuffalupagus?
have terrible gas on the first date
or
be playing kickball at a new school, and not know the lingo, and so when they ask you how you want your pitch, you mutter in a shaking, trembling voice, "Soft and nutty," and you should've said, "Slow and smooth," and so they laugh at you and the girls hate you and Ricky Ordonez beats the crap out of you?
Mission 5: Would You Rather Live in a World Where...
We all want to change the world, but alas, we seldom can. There is, however, a certain deity that you may have heard of with that kind of power. And this particular deity, on this particular day, is indeed going to change the world, for better or for worse. And for reasons perhaps only Sinbad can understand, you have the final say!
Would you rather live in a world...
where the handshake was replaced by the act of grabbing another's genetals, giggling, and bouncing up and down
or
where all international disputes were settled by means of break-dancing contests?
where massive Afros were mandatory for members of Congress
or
where it is legal, in fact encouraged, to crucify mimes?
where the dominant milieu for social interaction was not the bar scene, but rather intense games of dodge ball
or
where humans sniffed each other like dogs?
where there was no such thing as war, but also no such thing as pork
or
where there was no such thing as crime, but also no such thing as the A-Team?
where all dirty words and vulgar expressions were censored with silly bleeps, buzzes, and cuckoos
or
where professional wrestling was rightfully considered the apex of human thought and accomplishment?
Mission 6: Mixed Blessing
You must have caught the oh-so-moody deity in mid-mood swing. For the deity, in all his benevolence, feels that along with a horrible curse, you deserve a wonderful blessing. Of course, this makes choosing that much more difficult.
Would you rather:
have perfectly developed trapezius muscles but shaky moral grounding
or
be able to generate complex shadow puppets but comprehend absolutely nothing said to you between the hours of three and four p.m.?
be good with computers but have an incredibly moist left foot
or
be regarded as the greatest diorama maker of all time but have a friendly midget permanently strapped to you, papoose style?
have a moderate stutter but unlimited credit at Foot Locker
or
have a good short-term memory but always tack on a real sarcastic "Einstein" at the end of the any compliment?
have a flair for interior design but wobble ceaselessly in the presence of small children
or
be able to type eighty words a minute but moan like Chewbacca when you defecate?
(Things to consider: public rest rooms, domestic life)
have a firm grasp of fly fishing but always mispronounce the word nuclear
or
be fluent on Japanese but explode on July 17, 2032?
be lactose intolerant but be proficient as a human beat box
or
have to wear a retainer but know when to hold them, exactly when to fold them, and precisely the moments where you should simply walk away?
Mission 7: Wishful Thinking
It's your lucky day. The deity has decided to help make one of your wildest fantasies come true... Well, maybe not your wildest.
Would you rather:
never have a bad hair day
or
be allowed one do-over when you screw up while tying to pick up men/women?
have complete control over every headline of the 'New York Times'
or
who mates with whom?
have complete control over who gets elected to all offices
or
who wins all sporting championships?
have complete control over who gets to go to Heaven and Hell
or
who gets to star in movies?
be double-jointed
or
have near invincibility at Connect Four?
install the clapper at the next State of the Union address
or
slip LSD into Judge Wapner's drink shortly before he hears a case?
Mission 8: The Diety's Greatest Hits
The deity has been sniffing glue, and in his Elmer's-induced stupor he sets himself on the randomest of random play. You have no idea what kind of quandary you're about to face.
Would you rather:
have a variety of dyslexia where anything you try to read becomes a page from 'Yes, I Can', the story of Sammy Davis, Jr.
or
have a bizarre sleep disorder where you always wake up on a train to New Orleans?
fight Mike Tyson
or
talk like him?
be able to wash/dry your clothes by wearing them
or
make your eyes glow red for a few seconds?
know the specific date each person is going to die
or
the lyrics to every song made from 1975 to 1980?
speak in the style, accent, and intensity of Hitler whenever talking to members of the opposite sex
or
have to take all your meals in a hockey net?
have a unique venereal disease where whenever you kiss someone they transform into a Japanese soldier who thinks the war is still on
or
have the inability to distinguish between the taste of mint and the concept of increasing?
compulsively mumble, "Kibbles 'n Bits. Kibbles 'n Bits. I've got to get me some Kibbles 'n Bits" anytime you run or walk swiftly
or
have a condition whereupon becoming incresingly irritated, more and more popcorn starts to pop in your trousers?
appear to be three feet to the left of where you really are
or
not exist on December 18th every year?
have to always answer the phone with, "I am the vindicator of the damned"
or
have a deep-seated insecurity that causes you to refer to yourself as "The Ambassador," as in "The Ambassador would like some more pie"?
smile fiendishly and rub your hands together throughout all conversation
or
preface all of your statements with, "Beedy, beedy, beedy" like Twiggy from Buck Rogers?
(Things to consider: proposing marriage, seminars)
