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It takes a lot of courage for someone to admit to themselves and others that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. It took me 5 years to accept it and admit it to myself, everyone else already knew and dealt with me as much as they could until they walked out of my life. I was diagnosed after 3 years of being on medicine for Bipolar disorder. I was in the army at the time...Finally after gaining 65 lbs from all the nasty meds I was on and I was not getting any better from the meds, I was only getting worse...I had a board of 4 psychologists get together (after they all did different testings and evaluations) they came to the conclusion that I have BPD. I am not making blogs about this for attention I am making them so that people can see that it is a disease, that ruins your life if you let it. Being Borderline feels like INTERNAL HELL. you don't know how you will feel from 1 minute to the next. In your head you want to be nice and show the ones you love, love...but sometimes you can't and you hurt them and belittle them. It hurts you as much as it hurts them but it is almost uncontrollable. One minute you luv yourself and the next minute U are crying and hating yourself. U feel depressed for no apparent reason. Then next thing U know it, U are smiling and laughing and feeling like U are on top of the world. At the age of 12, i used to take a steak knife and cut myself....I did it in places no one could see, no one ever knew...i did not want to die i just felt good after I did it, I felt high. All that pain I felt was gone until the next day....I did it until i was 28 years old, I never told anyone until I saw a story about cutters and then I realized I wasnt the only one. I told my shrink and he gave me a pill, to where i felt pain when i cut. So I finally stopped. Now I have scars all over my body, feet, legs arms, stomach, chest....that I have to look at for the rest of my life. What woke me up and really made me stop this crap...was being diagnosed with CML and the fact that I have 3 children. Some people will say I am crazy..I don't care..,BPD needs to be noticed more....I am not crazy I am just misunderstood. Some days I like to talk about it, somedays I try to deny that I actually have it...but I do and there really is no cue for it or meds...takes a lot of therapy. I need to learn how to process my emotions. If you have BPD feel free to comment and share advice on how you cope. If you think you have it and need someone to talk to PM me and I will be happy to chat with you about it. It is great for people to vent about it..like I am now. hugs.
