Ragdoll's blog: "good stuff"

She toweled herself off dry, pulled her hair back and really looked at herself in the mirror. Aside from the flushed red look from orgasm, she didnt really feel as good as she had hoped too.

The percoset had helped with the pain some but she knew it would wear off. Her mind still racing with all the anger and hurt that had been building up for some time. She had to get away from her reflection. Seeing herslf in this way just made her feel uneasy and extremely uncomfortable. No Matter how hard she tried to create change in her life and try to make good changes in the lives around her, she still came up short at the end of the day. Why would she not be good enough? Her children had both grown up healthy stable and successful.he did her job there. Her love life altho was in shambles. Her last husband left her because she was a good wife. She would not give in to selling his drugs and she begged and pleaded with him not to sell the medications he was prescribed to keep him alive and free from pain. To her knowledge she was the only woman dumped for being good and right and nothing else. To her that was an incredible blow to her esteem. In a world where justice and right is to prevail, she was punished and losing everything she ever valued to be be right and everything she ever worked hard to achieve because of being the good wife. She stood by him while he hid a cocaine addiction,when he had a stroke, when he cheated and got burned with an std. Thru the lies and the money laundering, the fraud everything she still stood behind the vows and the belief that good will always win in the end. How fragile a belief system in a world so corrupt and evil. She lived amongst rats. Scavengers of filth and disease. Who come along and gnaw at the best of who she was and cared so little for what she had given so purely and freely. It was tearing her to shreds inside. She couldnt stop looking over her shoulder and wondering when the threats made against her would become truth. She had once been hanging up laundry in the back yard and was rising up to hang more when the crackle of a bullet whizzed just a mere fraction of an inch beside her head. She could hear the rotations of the bullet as it missed her. That sound never left her. From that time on, she never dreamed again.....And if she did dream at all..... it was pure fear and terror that haunts her soul.

Lately she tried again opening up that inner part of her that was so dry and so desolate a place. She needed love again. Her soul thirsty and parched for saftey and a sense of belonging to someone who could make her feel alive again. She found a place where she relaxed. She found an familiar feeling of a family. A Place she could flourish her self in. Grow and display every talent God ever gave her to give to a man. Happiness filled her completely and she never wanted to leave that place....a place where common threads of her childhood memories were. The music, family history...a simpleness. A return to roots where she felt good and free. Where she could dance like a child before heaven. Maybe she saw too much if what she wanted there. Maybe she hoped too much....Maybe he didnt understand her. She tried to help him also feel alive and needed and wanted. To want more in life, to take those steps forward. Not wanting to push him but yet wanting to lead. Something inside said that time was not going to be on her side in this relationship, but like everything she has ever done she looked at it with the heart of an angel. Be the best, Live Laugh and Love.....hard deep pure and strong. Fair wasnt part of this equation....She knew it would end in many tears, but this was what she wanted to do, accepting some factors out of her control...she had done her soul searching and made a choice to continue thru it. She had already been thru hell and back. A human soul brought to love and happiness was worth any pain she might have to endure.

This man connected to thru unusual circumstances, simple loving kind but distracted. So very distracted. sometimes to the point when she was there she almost wondered if he knew or cared she was there. How is it that when she was anywhere else he would want her so much. But in his presence, felt like she was in the way?An Inconvenience...? She had once remarked how sad it was that people are so caught up in their fantasies online that they forget there are living breathing people right in front of them and they dont see them. It was a pointed statement. She just wanted balance, and some validation that she was as important as he said she was. She got neither, and this hurt her heart. She wasnt getting thru. She jumped thru every hoop, she honored every request. She never denied him. She knew the last time she was there that she was going to have to reexamine what was happening. She bared everything and her soul. What was he giving her in return? He needed to come to her. He needed to honestly say what is happening. She did not want to walk away, she will always be good and try...but he needed to quench the thirst within.

She reflected on her own time when she would die and be no more on this earth...She only wanted it to be simple on her tombstone. Her names, her children and then the phrase " She made a difference in many Lives" And thats all. It wasnt some sense of martydom, she didnt want to be Mother Teresa. She just wanted God to be pleased with what she had done with her life. Her parents were already gone. Both passed 6 months from each other in 2002. There was no one left in this world to impress but God himself. all she wants before dying was to know one real love. The way it was designed to be. Realising real love from a man who wasnt distracted, or one who continued to make her believe she was the only one while having many to choose from in a day or night to bring him solace was driving her to the darkest place she had been in many months. She knew where this was going....she knew in her heart there was no one left to please anymore. She had been lied to and cheated on in so many ways. Robbed of anything left within her, how could she be loved again...she was so damaged in so many ways. She bankrupted her entire life for love. On the verge of emotional collapse she grabbed the only tangible thing she owned that would put the world right again and stop the pain...And it wasnt her Bible.