alright...a girls gone wild commercial just played on my television screen...and, i must tell you, i feel like attacking someone with some crude farming implements. now, these commercials tend to anger me to begin with...but this one in particular angered me right off the bat.
you see, they started this one off with a single sentance that made me want to grab some tapioca pudding, squeeze some jalepeno juice into the mixture, then proceed to smear the little recipe in the eyes of the idiots who made the girls gone wild product. what sentance could have possibly angered me to that point, you ask? this one...
"most guys would go to the end of the earth to see
real naked girls."
....what?
first off, there is no end of the earth...we live on a round planet...'tis not a flat land like folks believed back in 500 a.d. so, it's my humble opinion that these girls gone wild folks need to pull their craniums out of their anuses and take a look at some books...the kinds that you don't have to turn ninety degrees to view a picture.
next, the emphasis on the term "real" when referring to girls...are there really such a thing as fake girls? by real do they mean that it's not guys dressed in drag? no....can't be. oh, i get it....by real, they mean that the girls don't have any surgery done to themselves....i get it. yeah, that's what they mean....though, much like their "end of the earth" comment, i bet they have no idea what they're talking about....especially since all it takes is a google search to find naked pictures of anyone or anything...and might i say, thanks to google, i've seen how provocative alf can be...that furry lethario should be in playgirl magazine.
but really, that shouldn't anger me to the point of violence, should it? no...probably not....but, truth be told, there is a deeper meaning for me to be angered by the girls gone wild commercial. you see....this is diffficult for me to say....girls gone wild....girls gone wild murdered one of my enjoyments in life; late night infomercial watching.
there used to be a time where i could turn on television at 3 in the morning and watch in delight at a man cutting shoes with knives, cleaning stovetops with a machine that farts steam, and seeing how many salmon can fit in a rotating cooking device after you set it and forget it. but now...now it's difficult to find anything like that....i can't even watch obese people try out an ab machine these days....it's all girls gone wild or other similar products.
is it so hard to teach these girls to cook prior to having them prove how stupid they are when they're too drunk to realize that a camera crew is taking advantage of them? i mean, come on...at least have them sell some out-of-print coins or something...i'd settle for sports cards....can you just imagine how great those dumb girls gone wild infomercials would be if they sold sports cards? it could be as great as this...
they could talk while stretching their s's and swim in piles of cards and dump stuff over....see? they're already drunk, so none of those things will be a problem....it's a perfect match...and then, perhaps, the whole girls gone wild garbage won't be quite as worthless as it is now.
in closing, if i had the ability to use witchcraft, i'd turn all of the girls gone wild people into lemmings...
...then squeal with joy as i watch them hurl themselves off of a cliff. bye.
