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Becky Jo's blog: "Bloging"

created on 03/16/2007  |  http://fubar.com/bloging/b65427
I don't know how else to put this. It's taken me so long to do this. I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight. My muscles feel like a melee, My body's curled in a U-shape. I put on my best, but I'm still afraid. Propped up by lies and promises. Saving my place as life forgets. Maybe it's time I saw the world. I'm only here for a while. Patience is not my style, And I'm so tired that I got to go. Where am I supposed to hide now? What am I supposed to do? Did you really think I wouldn't see this through? Tell me I should stick around for you. Tell me I can have it all. I'm still too tired to care and I got to go. I get to go home in one week. But I'm leaving home in three weeks. They throw me a bone just to pick me dry. I'm following suit and directions. I crawl up inside for protection. I'm told what to do and I dont know why. I'm over existing in limbo I'm over the myths and placebos I dont really mind if I just fade away I'm ready to live with my family. I'm ready to die in obscurity Cause I'm so tired that I got to go. Where am I supposed to hide now? What am I supposed to do? You still don't think I'm gonna see this through? Tell me I'm a part of history. Tell me I can have it all. I'm still too tired to care and I got to go. I'm still too tired to care and I got to go. (6x)

Just writing

I'm half the woman I used to......................... I think I should start a fire and let all the emotions catch a flame like thing's that were said makes you want to steal all this living is making me realize all I have is time so what am I going to do with the rhymes. The peace I've found today made me grit my teeth with the pain that was swallowed when can I be let back in, just want to start again...The start that has no end........I'll keep on singing till they let me out The one love that makes it easier on you is the hardest to keep remember that.....The one love you get you have to care for it......I feel I've been a disappointment sometimes I get bad tastes in my mouth from the lack of what my crazy and seemingly self destructive life I used to live if we drug it out into the light would it be the same would I be one or would I need to be carried off into a brighter notation of this love is a temple only if I could enter it all I've got is hurt and its hard to see past that cold hard steel cage that entangles you in the pain and the misery of things you should have but are just out of your reach, please carry me I seem strong but I need a support from time to time, dare to love me I say not to walk through fire I know what your heart desires so when you see my reflection in that watery abyss realize that I'll sail through it all to make a smile come from those lips.....I'm never afraid of changes I welcome them, but I need some one to welcome them with me, are you him? When it's all been done when the aqua sea foam shame comes to surface I wont have the time write nor the right to apologize for my life.... Memories tend to bleach it all away,those sweet bitter words that ring so true along I break but I will never bother you is so afflictive. So when I feel ambitious, and when my friend lonesome is the only one there....I wonder why I love everything when all things seem so perfect and my voice is as sweet as salt I sing to the top of my lungs.....But things can and do inevitably change All you can do is be yourself....No matter how much you hide and pray....When you pray like a pagan remember heavens dead. When you kill the pain and you drown in the silence, when you swear to the kill the pain and try to run away remember your never beside yourself and you create the pain boy I want to lick your heart and taste your health........ The first snow of the season always gets me I'll lay there in the field and dream bout the future that can be made, then I still can see myself breathing out a hope for the better future to come. How good are those memories we made that make polo raids in my head remember the same after it rains for it's gone, we are all rebellious but that makes us all the same... Those classrooms I never attended were the shipwrecks of a blissful Caribbean night, I've found my buried treasure....... And only the best of friendship make that empty hourglass worth taking back.... What will you do when I decide to break and fall to the ground when it seems I wont take anymore will you turn your back on me and break me down more....Or will you carry me, so when I come to fight for the rest of my life of oblivious love,I don't need much, when all I want is you, will you let me be myself.... When I've found myself will you break that down or cradle me. So redundant at times........... When will I be finished with the wreckage of killing myself when will I want no more then you can give just don't break me down....I don't think I can bare that actuality. When I go some where in my dreams to find my peace of mind when I apprehend this blight is when I cry with the dying trees... My soul tends to be very bitter and surprising sweet. The longest December I think you would forgive me. All we need is a bottle of tequila and the walk up that sand covered hill..... I get happy when I talk to you. When ugliness clings to me and I cant wash it away this clay casket I'm sitting in just breaks away at the emotive of the spring driven right of autumn when I'm not sad I'm just missing you. When nothing breaks me when nothing fazes me I can't help but try to cry my eyes out, no dream or chimera stops that reiteration over and over again in the sad trials of mental crazed bleeding from my brain.... No one will break me nothing will make me give up even when I give everything I need and own.... When I feel I just can't go I decide to take one last ride.... All the things in my life are there for altitudinous sacrifice.... I'll never give up my chance to look to my shadow side... But the more I know the less I don't want to go with out you.... Ignorance is bliss when you can turn the dirt into joy... Step up to sing it out it all go hand in hand..... Make a point that has no sense make a smile when it's tense when the covers tend to smother out the light burn the brightest light....... And at the time nothing else matters the timing will be just right the money will be well spent, I'll always be burnt and never broken I'll fall to far from the grace that was lost, when you feel it's toy soldier's that have become the trees when the blade never goes in deep enough you can realize then its all been a dream..... When the games that are played are just a care for what you know I've become I feel undone..

Was bored

Why not i dont exist so why cant you resist me and twist me in to a shape that you want me to exist in outside of the box its hard to view in when its closed in the end it was just friends in the end it was makebelieve in the end it was a twisted fanasty come to life i was hidein away from the world to see cause i didnt want to be showen off and claimed for a little while i was the light shined through I was hidein so no one would know who i was so they wouldnt find out the disapoitment of my realization is now that was it all worth it hell yeah it was i am not even talked about except behind closed doors outside its just friends one fiends for the other only to get shut out hell yeah thats why i am confused.

Confused

Confused! I'm so confused! So many things confuse me now a days, Friends, family and coworkers. Why tell anyone the truth they never want to hear it, they rather hear anything but! Why is it that when you tell someone you don't believe in one god, your told your a witch or a devil worshiper? I am PEGAN someone who believes in more then one god! I do not criticize you because of your belifes, please do not criticize me. I'm the same Becky Jo as you have always known. I have not and will not change for anyone please do not try and change me as I do not try in change you! If you don't know about someones beliefs and your queues about it just ask it never hurts to ask questions so ask away! Don't critasize them for being different then you. If your confused about my beliefs ask me I'm more then willing to answer your questions and give you the most honest answers. If you want to know what Pegans believe in, they believe in the old indian ways. If you want to know more please ask! Sorry had to get a few things off my chest and yes I do feel better! lol

The perfect man to me is

The Perfect Man...[for those of you who care or always wonder why I'm single] PERSONALITY ONLY [in no particular order]: - -Someone who knows who they are -Doesn't have to drink all the time -No drugs[done them in the past,ok...but no need to do them ever again] -CHARMING: gets a long with EVERYONE...no hate for anyone... -FORGIVING: knows how to let things go -ACCEPTING/UNDERSTANDING: there is no reason to judge others...accept the REAL them [key: real] -SENSE OF HUMOR...this is a must...someone should never say freak,nerd,dork,weirdo, etc in a hurtful manner---jokingly shows loves! -MUST HAVE GOALS: motivated to do something that rises above mediocracy, no matter how stupid it may seem to someone else... -FAITH IN THEMSELVES: if he doesnt have faith in himself, how can anyone else? this also relates to the previous quality -HONESTY: everyone lies, however...doing your best to not lie & coming clean when you do..even if it "hurts" the other person is worth it -INTELLECTUAL: doesnt need to be 100 booksmart, but knowledge is key to communication & understanding..and i think that it is important for you to always learn from one another -APPRECIATION FOR OTHER CULTURES: willingness to explore -OPENMINDED:always see the other side of things...sometimes you will agree with the otherside..sometimes you will not...but its better to understand both sides -RELATES TO ANY AGE LEVEL: if a 2 year old is pretend cooking with you, you should help him spark his creativity...make that imagination seem as real as possible...old is only a state of mind...not an actual number the previous is what is MOST important ...however, icing on the cake includes... PHSYICALLY: -blue or green eyes -blonde hair/brown -clear complexion -nice smile -symmetry -taller than me -average build... ___________________ So yes..im picky...but i dont mind being single because what i end up with in the long run will be worth it .

Long but a good read

"Honor never grows old, and honor rejoices the heart of age. It does so because honor is, finally, about defending those noble and worthy things that deserve defending, even if it comes at a high cost. In our time, that may mean social disapproval, public scorn, hardship, persecution, or as always, even death itself. The question remains: What is worth defending? What is worth dying for? What is worth living for?" - William J. Bennett - in a lecture to the United States Naval Academy, November 24, 1997 One Vietnam veteran, an old retired colonel, once said this to me: "Most of the people in our society are sheep. They are kind, gentle, productive creatures who can only hurt one another by accident." This is true. Remember, the murder rate is six per 100,000 per year, and the aggravated assault rate is four per 1,000 per year. What this means is that the vast majority of Americans are not inclined to hurt one another. Some estimates say that two million Americans are victims of violent crimes every year, a tragic, staggering number, perhaps an all-time record rate of violent crime. But there are almost 300 million Americans, which means that the odds of being a victim of violent crime is considerably less than one in a hundred on any given year. Furthermore, since many violent crimes are committed by repeat offenders, the actual number of violent citizens is considerably less than two million. Thus there is a paradox, and we must grasp both ends of the situation: We may well be in the most violent times in history, but violence is still remarkably rare. This is because most citizens are kind, decent people who are not capable of hurting each other, except by accident or under extreme provocation. They are sheep. I mean nothing negative by calling them sheep. To me it is like the pretty, blue robin's egg. Inside it is soft and gooey but someday it will grow into something wonderful. But the egg cannot survive without its hard blue shell. Police officers, soldiers, and other warriors are like that shell, and someday the civilization they protect will grow into something wonderful. For now, though, they need warriors to protect them from the predators. "Then there are the wolves," the old war veteran said, "and the wolves feed on the sheep without mercy." Do you believe there are wolves out there that will feed on the flock without mercy? You better believe it. There are evil men in this world and they are capable of evil deeds. The moment you forget that or pretend it is not so, you become a sheep. There is no safety in denial. "Then there are sheepdogs," he went on, "and I'm a sheepdog. I live to protect the flock and confront the wolf." If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen, a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath, a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? What do you have then? A sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero's path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed. Let me expand on this old soldier's excellent model of the sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs. We know that the sheep live in denial, which is what makes them sheep. They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kids' schools. But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid's school. Our children are thousands of times more likely to be killed or seriously injured by school violence than fire, but the sheep's only response to the possibility of violence is denial. The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their child is just too hard, and so they chose the path of denial. The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheep dog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours. Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. They would prefer that he didn't tell them where to go, or give them traffic tickets, or stand at the ready in our airports in camouflage fatigues holding an M-16. The sheep would much rather have the sheepdog cash in his fangs, spray paint himself white, and go, "Baa." Until the wolf shows up! Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog. The students, the victims, at Columbine High School were big, tough high school students, and under ordinary circumstances they would not have had the time of day for a police officer. They were not bad kids; they just had nothing to say to a cop. When the school was under attack, however, and SWAT teams were clearing the rooms and hallways, the officers had to physically peel those clinging, sobbing kids off of them. This is how the little lambs feel about their sheepdog when the wolf is at the door. Look at what happened after September 11, 2001 when the wolf pounded hard on the door. Remember how America, more than ever before, felt differently about their law enforcement officers and military personnel? Remember how many times you heard the word hero? Understand that there is nothing morally superior about being a sheepdog; it is just what you choose to be. Also understand that a sheepdog is a funny critter: He is always sniffing around out on the perimeter, checking the breeze, barking at things that go bump in the night, and yearning for a righteous battle. That is, the young sheepdogs yearn for a righteous battle. The old sheepdogs are a little older and wiser, but they move to the sound of the guns when needed right along with the young ones. Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference. There is nothing morally superior about the sheepdog, the warrior, but he does have one real advantage. Only one. And that is that he is able to survive and thrive in an environment that destroys 98 percent of the population. There was research conducted a few years ago with individuals convicted of violent crimes. These cons were in prison for serious, predatory crimes of violence: assaults, murders and killing law enforcement officers. The vast majority said that they specifically targeted victims by body language: slumped walk, passive behavior and lack of awareness. They chose their victims like big cats do in Africa, when they select one out of the herd that is least able to protect itself. Some people may be destined to be sheep and others might be genetically primed to be wolves or sheepdogs. But I believe that most people can choose which one they want to be, and I'm proud to say that more and more Americans are choosing to become sheepdogs. Seven months after the attack on September 11, 2001, Todd Beamer was honored in his hometown of Cranbury, New Jersey. Todd, as you recall, was the man on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania who called on his cell phone to alert an operator from United Airlines about the hijacking. When he learned of the other three passenger planes that had been used as weapons, Todd dropped his phone and uttered the words, "Let's roll," which authorities believe was a signal to the other passengers to confront the terrorist hijackers. In one hour, a transformation occurred among the passengers - athletes, business people and parents. -- From sheep to sheepdogs and together they fought the wolves, ultimately saving an unknown number of lives on the ground. "Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself after that?" "There is no safety for honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men." - Edmund Burke Here is the point I like to emphasize; especially to the thousands of police officers and soldiers I speak to each year. In nature the sheep, real sheep, are born as sheep. Sheepdogs are born that way, and so are wolves. They didn't have a choice. But you are not a critter. As a human being, you can be whatever you want to be. It is a conscious, moral decision. If you want to be a sheep, then you can be a sheep and that is okay, but you must understand the price you pay. When the wolf comes, you and your loved ones are going to die if there is not a sheepdog there to protect you. If you want to be a wolf, you can be one, but the sheepdogs are going to hunt you down and you will never have rest, safety, trust or love. But if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior's path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door. For example, many officers carry their weapons in church. They are well concealed in ankle holsters, shoulder holsters or inside-the-belt holsters tucked into the small of their backs. Anytime you go to some form of religious service, there is a very good chance that a police officer in your congregation is carrying. You will never know if there is such an individual in your place of worship, until the wolf appears to massacre you and your loved ones. I was training a group of police officers in Texas, and during the break, one officer asked his friend if he carried his weapon in church. The other cop replied, "I will never be caught without my gun in church." I asked why he felt so strongly about this, and he told me about a cop he knew who was at a church massacre in Ft. Worth, Texas in 1999. In that incident, a mentally deranged individual came into the church and opened fire, gunning down fourteen people. He said that officer believed he could have saved every life that day if he had been carrying his gun. His own son was shot, and all he could do was throw himself on the boy's body and wait to die. That cop looked me in the eye and said, "Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself after that?" Some individuals would be horrified if they knew this police officer was carrying a weapon in church. They might call him paranoid and would probably scorn him. Yet these same individuals would be enraged and would call for "heads to roll" if they found out that the airbags in their cars were defective, or that the fire extinguisher and fire sprinklers in their kids' school did not work. They can accept the fact that fires and traffic accidents can happen and that there must be safeguards against them. Their only response to the wolf, though, is denial, and all too often their response to the sheepdog is scorn and disdain. But the sheepdog quietly asks himself, "Do you have and idea how hard it would be to live with yourself if your loved ones were attacked and killed, and you had to stand there helplessly because you were unprepared for that day?" It is denial that turns people into sheep. Sheep are psychologically destroyed by combat because their only defense is denial, which is counterproductive and destructive, resulting in fear, helplessness and horror when the wolf shows up. Denial kills you twice. It kills you once, at your moment of truth when you are not physically prepared: you didn't bring your gun, you didn't train. Your only defense was wishful thinking. Hope is not a strategy. Denial kills you a second time because even if you do physically survive, you are psychologically shattered by your fear helplessness and horror at your moment of truth. Gavin de Becker puts it like this in Fear Less, his superb post-9/11 book, which should be required reading for anyone trying to come to terms with our current world situation: "...denial can be seductive, but it has an insidious side effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when faced with new violence is all the more unsettling." Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level. And so the warrior must strive to confront denial in all aspects of his life, and prepare himself for the day when evil comes. If you are warrior who is legally authorized to carry a weapon and you step outside without that weapon, then you become a sheep, pretending that the bad man will not come today. No one can be "on" 24/7, for a lifetime. Everyone needs down time. But if you are authorized to carry a weapon, and you walk outside without it, just take a deep breath, and say this to yourself... "Baa." This business of being a sheep or a sheep dog is not a yes-no dichotomy. It is not an all-or-nothing, either-or choice. It is a matter of degrees, a continuum. On one end is an abject, head-in-the-sand-sheep and on the other end is the ultimate warrior. Few people exist completely on one end or the other. Most of us live somewhere in between. Since 9-11 almost everyone in America took a step up that continuum, away from denial. The sheep took a few steps toward accepting and appreciating their warriors, and the warriors started taking their job more seriously. The degree to which you move up that continuum, away from sheephood and denial, is the degree to which you and your loved ones will survive, physically and psychologically at your moment of truth. -------------------------------------------------------- I really lack the words to follow something like that. I will admit, though, that despite my youth I am more like one of the "older, wiser sheepdogs" that he described. I do not long for confrontation, but if danger comes my way, after my friends and family or even heads for random people around me, I will be damned if I do nothing. Following Columbine, I had a chat with my parents, as I was still in high school at the time. I told them that if something like that ever happened at my school, I would do whatever was necessary to protect others. Even if it meant sacrificing myself to protect someone else. On the one-year anniversary, myself and a few close friends stood in one of our entrances and prayed. Yes, it was a public school. Some people would get upset that there was prayer taking place there, but on that day no one complained. As I say a silent prayer that I will never need to use my firearm when I put it on. But I also pray that, if it is ever needed, I will not hesistate.
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