TheChaos's blog: "~CHAOS~"

Funny emails .... KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She trembles as he moves above her holding her hands above her head with his powerful grip. Her body responds instantly as she feels his powerful emotions surging through him. She feels the smooth cold touch of steel as the handcuffs are secured around her wrists, and she lays before him unashamed as he takes in her bare body. She looks up, and their eyes meet in an explosion of passion, her knowing what is about to come and him aching to give her exactly what she wants. She feels his fingertips slide gently over her pouting lips and her body tingles with anticipation. She feels his hands on her shoulders, his palms flat against her skin as they slide down her body to her breasts. Feeling his palms flat against her breasts, his fingertips stroking back and forth across the pink tips of her nipples, her body involuntarily trembles again. He reaches up and grabs her hair pulling her face close to his, their lips only inches apart, she looks into his eyes and he understands her need, for it matches his own. He leans down in a slow movement touching her lips lightly at first savoring the moment and the taste of her, wanting it to linger forever. The kiss quickly turns to a fiery embrace as their tongues dance together, tasting the built up emotions they hold secure deep within them. She feels his hands move quickly over her body, touching every part of her. Her back arches and she cries out his name as his fingertips find her most intimate parts. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she looks up at him knowing that he is going to make her his for the first time of many to come. Her hands jerk against the steel metal of the handcuffs wanting to be free so she can touch his body, yet he does not yield in his punishment of her. He leans down to kiss her once more and with one long thrust they are one. They are one soul, one body, one heartbeat as they ride wave after wave of pleasure. He leans down to kiss her pulling her close to him, his breathing slowly calming, he knows that his thirst for her will never be quenched, his hunger for her love will never be appeased, for she has left an unforgetable brand on his heart. He will be her loving Master and she his precious jewel. She kisses him back passionately revelling in the knowledge that she is his now, her body is his, her heart is his, she is owned...... ~~CHAOS~~

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? (rolls eyes). WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" (I'm sure she said, "I rest my case!") CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS" God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Courtesy of MsTags.com Thanx for reading..~CHAOS~

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww..... PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!?!!). The concrete then hardened, (no shit Sherlock! Pardon the poo pun), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!) BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers a round her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. (LMMFAO!!!) And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!!

You find humor in other people's stupidity...(yes, yes I do) You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...(yes, yes I do) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...(bloody cheeseburger anyone?) You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants... (yes!!) You believe a good tape job will fix anything... (tape fixes EVERYTHING!) You have the bladder capacity of five people... (Eventually you will STOP doing the "pee pee" dance) You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio... Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change... (Oh wait, that's only if you're a NEWBIE to EMS)(fuck that I wanna go home !!) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac... You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see... (uh huh) You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance... You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: migraine lower back pain toothache (3rd time to ER, but can't make it to any dentist appointment) (choose one of the above), and has a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol) ( AMEN!) You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer... (no comment) You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis... it's real I tell you....REAL! You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"... (low xanax in the blood!!) You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce... (ESPECIALLY STUPID PPL!) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered... (Don't ever, Ever, EVER say that!) You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire... (they forgot mondays!) You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable... You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ... ( I do that all the time ) You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate... (a person should have the RIGHT to choose!) You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer", or a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"... You have ever answered a "lost condom" call... You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"... ( I would be the guest speaker!) You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis... AMEN! You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"... (ummm that has happened to me!) You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably... happened to me too! You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"... You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet" or "angel of death"... ( they call me shit magnet) Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion... You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form... You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience... You believe the ER waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain... You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"... You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")... THATS RIGHT! Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"... You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I'm a virgin! How can I be having a baby"...( please don't let me strangle someone) You have ever accused a patient of faking a seizure, only to watch him immeadiately come out of the seizure long enough to deny faking it and cuss you out, then go back into it... You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine... (eh, not yet) Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission... And finally, You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!!!!

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell! phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them . CONGRATULATIONS! The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Is our life really moving by so quickly that we forget to do the simple things in life? Whatever happened to the times of, here let me get that door for you, or helping someone across the street....how about just helping your neighbor in exchange for a thank~you....those times I think are almost gone. This morning I went to the post office to check my mail after being up WAY too long. As I got out of the jeep, I noticed a woman in her vehicle who was sitting on the drivers side in a very deep sleep. The engine was running...I was immediately suspicious.....go figure. I looked inside the post office thinking maybe she had fallen asleep waiting on someone to take care of business inside. There was no one inside and the post office was up and running at it's normal business hours. I knocked on her window, and when the woman didn't awaken immdiately I kind of figured something was wrong. So, I knocked again and was finally able to get her to awaken enough to roll down her window and tell me she was a diabetic and didn't have the cash on hand to stop and get her some OJ this morning. I noticed oxygen and a cane beside her. I told her my name and that I was a paramedic and I was going to help her just to stay there until I got back. **mumbles something about the jumpbag I left at home the other day** I went into the post office, and of COURSE no one was at the front, I said HELLO!!! I need some help out here, the woman comes running to the front, I explained to her what was going outside, and told her I need food, candy bar, OJ, peanut butter crackers ANYTHING for this woman to eat. I went back outside where the woman was at, and woke her up yet again, while the post master handed me a twinkie LOL! Twinkie to the rescue...She stayed awake long enough to eat the twinkie and the honey covered pecans I had given her to munch on and I started noticing a difference in her alertness. I went in checked her mail for her, brought it back out to her, told her once more who I was and then proceeded to follow her home as she drove just to make sure she arrived there safely. My point to this garble....(if I haven't bored you to sleep with it), it doesn't take but just a minute, when something seems wrong to step over and make sure that someone doesn't need your assistance. The simple act of calling 911 for someone could mean the difference in someone living or them dying. The simple act of kindness, a simple smile, the touch of a hand, the concern in your voice as you listen to someone, just one small gesture could make a huge difference in someones life that they will remember forever. Will I get a huge reward for doing what I did this morning while I was 'off duty'? Will there be some awesome write up in the paper?? Will she ever come back and say thanks for taking the time to help me? Probably not. Doesn't matter if anyone else knows what I did or not, it's the fact that I KNOW what I did, and I KNOW that the simple gesture of giving someone something to eat, of ensuring that she arrived home safely, of walking inside to check her mail for her so that she didn't use her low amount of carbs.....made the difference today in someones life.

OK so I have as all can see figured out (to some extent) cherry tap! YEY ME!!! So I figure I'll write a short blog about myself. I'm a nationally registered Paramedic. I am licensed for the states of NC and TN. I also instruct for our local college here, I teach ALS courses and BLS courses which benefits our community and myself. I enjoy what I do....actually I LOVE what I do, and would trade it for nothing. My shifts on the truck consist of 24 hours on and 48 hours off. We do critical care transport services, and backup 911 for 3 surrounding counties. When I'm not in the back of the amublance, I am teaching 3 nights a week at the college. I have 2 stepchildren (that I have custody of)whom I adore. They ARE my other life and always come first. I enjoy reading, writing, learning, educating, working, swimming, volleyball, softball.... I'm a busy person...catch me if you can!:D

After all this time of being online, with the ICQ, Myspace and yahoo...I don't think I can even get the music to play right on here!! If someone has some suggestions....they would be appreciated! A little about me....I'm a paramedic for the states of NC and TN. I am also a college instructor for EMS courses in BLS and ALS. My passion is being on the ambulance without a doubt....but to teach is to hold their attention in the palm of your hand and give them understanding and knowledge.... Have a great day!