SecretsNeedsFans MB's blog: "#1 and Secrets"

I have not done many blogs and probably will not do one after this one. I am going to try and keep this short, although I doubt that will happen.

Anyway I have caught tons of hell this week about being number 1 and why do I have to hang on to it and why can't someone else have it. I have been told because of the way i get my creds I essentially do not deserve to be #1 and that I do not work hard.

So ....people ask me to tell them a secret all the time I havent  because I truly do not share tons about myself.

So to try and make it semi short some of you know I have been here almost 8 years I took a 2 year break. I did that because I was doing private home care and taking care of 3 people at home that were dying. 2 had ALS the other  was a diabetic and had congestive heart failure. I used to take care of her husband but he died with me from a heart attack. I tried that night to save him but I couldn't. He took his last breath with me. 

I worked 7 days a week 14-15 hrs a day, in that 2 years I had 11 total days off. In November of last year I got a call that my mother was told she had stage 4 lung cancer, I went and saw her a xmas and came home 3 weeks later back to work, about 5 months later I got a call saying they didn't think she would make it much longer. I quit all my jobs and within 3 days flew from California to Florida and stayed 2 months to take care of her. In that time all my patients passed away and I never got to say good bye...... In the time I was with my mom and talking to dr's and hospice and having other test ordered found out she was not stage 4.... as of todays date my mom is still battling. I not only work 13 hrs a day now to take care of me but to help her take care of her. So I came back to fu to get away from all of the 2 months of stress....and having 3 ppl die in the previous months. I can tell you if you have not seen someone take their last breath that you have cared for , for years it's a mind fuck. 

Fu has since been getting crazy for me.....I do play it as the game it is, and I play it to the best of my abiity which is how I do everything in my life, if that makes me number 1 is that wrong? I all but one time when I believe I had help getting numberr 1 for the achievement have worked and earned that spot, so because I am playing the game differently have been asked why i won't give it up.....in short its because I earned it and I do not NEED to have it and if someone beats me fair and square and takes it I assure you I will still sleep well at night and have an awesome day. I have watched death and  honestly being #1 on a site does not compare , in the end am I going to go to my neightbor and say hey guess what I am number 1 on fubar?...tell the president?. I can assure you no one GAF :)

But why I have to defend myself and answer as to why I won't give it up.....well I would imagine the Lakers never said " Gee the Celtics have never had the championship maybe we just just lose so they can have it" 

If anyone needs it for an achivement I have no issues at all if they come to me and say hey I am doing this think you can chill on your game this week? I would absolutely help, or help anyone I could for that matter.

I truly try to not bother anyone or be in the middle of drama....I hate that I have to feel like I have to apologize for being number 1 or made to feel I should just not play and give it up. I have made some amazing friends who without I could not have the fun I do have here and I do have fun. 

I guess I am just asking for a little understanding in how I play...not for anyone to agree but to understand I do use the site for game more so than a social site....to immerse myself deep enough to not be in reality for a little bit.

If I can help anyone please feel free to ask to others please do not attack me for playing a game and the result of the way  play landing me at #1 I can assure you someone will come along and kick my ass for that spot :) and I will be the first to say wtg!!

To the people who truly know me....you kick ass and thank you for being there to always keep my smile going.....I truly do not have a mean bone in my body...hence helping people die in a the easiest way one can pass....but I am as guilty as anyone for having moments that i have allowed this game to change me and make me act in ways I of course would love to have back. As a side notee I have taken a break from death and am a nanny to twin 17 month old boys who just learned what climbing is.....so although my name is here I am not always so I am not ignoring anyone... :) I do enjoy this site and am going to work on that staying me part and not letting the game change me. I may slip here and there so y'all just kick me in the ass when that happens!!!