Whoever I was, I’m certainly not anymore.
I am a different person, and the getting familiar with my new self has just begun.
My personality has changed as if someone has transfused me with his own personality, or has stolen my identity. I know what I don’t want. I know what I want. The first list is endless. The second list is strange. That’s all I know about who I am now. I can only define myself through what I want and do not want.
But I know that I am really who I am. I may be for the first time in my life experiencing life without any sort of rationalization, without lying to myself. It is scary, unsettling, often so hard, but it is true. It is sad at times, at other times so happy that I am speachless, it is often angry, but it is true. I hope this won’t kill me.
The anxiety is so great that you are unable to fit in any sadness at the thought of so much time wasted. You feel estranged from your past (how the fuck was I able to... ?) and scared shitless at the thought of a future devoid of what you love and need, and filled with these things that make you sick. You have to start from scratch. Almost everything is to be thrown away. You feel totally indifferent toward things that used to mean something to you. Where will you find the energy? Where will you start? You have to transform your environment, no! you have to leave your environment and MOVE to another one, you have to change what you do for a living, and you have to change your family, the language you speak, and even your sense of what a woman is. You’re not the same woman. You have become another woman.
Now where do you go when something like that happens to you? Whom do you turn to? Is there a support group somewhere for people who are experiencing this? Do these people think that they’ve been abducted by aliens? Do they think that a Spiritual Entity has left them, or that a Spiritual Entity has ravished them? How do they explain their Radical Awakening/Dying which Now Burns Their Soul-lessness? The veil has been lifted, their heart has been shocked and their Artificial Respirator unplugged. Every day that passes where they stare at this new reality in a daze without doing anything to Change their Life, Life itself is leaving them. They are slowing down... It is urgent that they do something, because if they don’t they will die in their sleep from “unexplained” cause.
If you read this and know me well you will understand the way I write. I need my writtings to express and to vent to myself by writting and rereading what I have expressed.........If you dont get it then you never will. Im a complicated and deep thinker when it comes to how I feel at that very Moment and this moment is no different just More painfull.
