You may not be aware that Durban has the largest Indian population
>outside of India in the world. Understandably they have put their mark on
>the city and its culture, and Durban (or Natal) curries are legendary (and
>almost lethal). Now read ...
>
> NATAL CURRY CONTEST
>
>This is great....
>
> If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
>Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>slowly.
>For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical this is.
>They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
>It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
>From America .
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
>Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
>and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
>the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that
>spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted".
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy horrors, what the heck is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
>CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
>When they saw the look on my face.
>
>CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
>Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone
>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sloshed from all the beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a curry.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
>beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
>
>CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
>chili peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>can no
>longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The
>contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
>brain damage.
>Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
>the pitcher.
>I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really peeded me off that the other
>judges
>asked me to stop screaming. To heck with them.
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices
>and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to mess myself if I fart and I'm
>worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
>behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
>wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
>
>CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
>peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
>can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
>stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
>of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
> anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>in my
>
> stomach.
>
>CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot curry?
>Judge # 3 - No Report.