The Rave's blog: "Raven"

Aiiii. I'm so into Scrubs. I became a Junkie of it. Can't survive without my 20 minutes of Scrubs per day. I watched it at an Online-Streaming-Page but it doesn't work anymore. Damnit. So I ordered all Seasons yesterday and they'll be there tomorrow. Hopefully. Maybe I'll watch Gardenstate instead ot Scrubs tonight. Yesterday I was at a 30's-70's market near the rhein-promenade. It was nice there. Sun was shining and a slight wind in air. It took me 1 hour to get the worst shoulder-back-neck sunburn ever. My shoulder tattoos are swolen and they hurt like hell. Shitty thing but was worth it anyways.Found the sunglasses of my life. <3 The way too big sunglasses I was searching for all my life XD. Last friday I was at my tattooers place. Zombie got a new one. Frankenstein on his chest. Looks nice. They have a piercer there also and I let her check my septum piercing because it was still hurting. She said that it was wrong pierced and my nose's nerves are constantly irritated/stimulated. So I had to get it off. =(. In a few weeks when my nose is healed she'll pierce my septum again. I miss it. Can't wait to get it back. Heartberry-Tales are getting closer. I'm trying to realize my dream to move to Iowa. Need some food. Kisses.

if someone is sometimes looking at somebodys tagged pictures on myspace (without knowing much about that person for ex. never meet . him . ahh those internet friendships so cute ) and he she or it would assume you were married or very much taken he she or it i havin a big fucking problem and defin. not mine LOVEEE;**** ps. i love horses

1. Take off all of your clothes, alone and in the bathroom. Stare at your nipples. Call yourself “Beautiful” and see what happens. Touch your thatch of pubic hair, your stretch marks, and your round belly. Call yourself “Ugly” and watch what happens. Pretend you’re on a trampoline and you just won the lottery. Touch the mirror like it’s a window and your lover is just an unlatching of a lock away. Pinch your thighs and turn around. Bend over and try to kiss your kneecaps. Ask yourself when was the last time you touched silk. Look at your eyelids. They’re drawbridges, you know. 2. If you can lick fish bones, then you can take a lover. For a moment, pretend that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. Then buy expensive paints and color your walls orange and not go insane. If you can go outside and see a roadkill as a sign from God then you are ready to take a lover. If you can see that euthanasia is a beautiful name for a pet then you are ready to take a lover. Be a poet for a day. Be an artist for a day. Read something. Find yourself, which is behind your skin and has nothing to do with your heart and everything to do with your spirit. Pray a little, then report back to God on your findings like an archeologist. Tell your best friend that you think that you are amazing and glorious. Then take a lover because you’re finally at the finish line and ready for a new race, which will probably deal with go-karts and infinity-shaped roads. 3. Put your hand in your pajama bottoms and reach for everything private in your life. Touch jellyfish, July hotels and loosened hair. If orgasm is a word you can’t say then find it in the dictionary and read the pronunciation key. Drink some tea, eat some chocolate, talk about aphrodisiacs until you’re blue in the face. It doesn’t matter until you finally feel your spirit so restless that it tries to escape out of your fingers and toes, it doesn’t matter (nothing matters but your body) until you can reach that. Until your spirit attaches robot wings and tries to lift your fingernails off, you have not understood yourself, and you’re not in the dictionary because you cannot be defined. And you must define yourself before you can allow yourself to be written down. So touch yourself there and there and there. Don’t stop. Please. Smile at your life before dawn, but moan at your life when it finally wakes up. 4. Tell me your lover’s name and I will tell you that you’re wrong. Listen – your lover is not bedsheets or willow trees or empty sleeves, but everything in this world without a name. Whatever is most nameless, is most beautiful. Find your best friend in a species not yet discovered, find your best friend in words not written and those deep throat sounds that you meant to say, but couldn’t. If he says he loves anyone more than you, then he is wrong. If he says, “I love you,” immediately then you know there is an ellipsis at the end because he was just at your house in a necktie and black shoes and eyeglasses and later changed into a yellow T-shirt. If he is your best friend then you know that whenever you say, “I love you too,” he will never say “what do you mean?” because he knows about the ellipsis, he knows you just said, “I love God I love language I love bodies I love spirit I love horizon I love the Pacific Ocean I love the color of peaches I love suitcases I love sickness I love panic I love life” and Etcetera is the closest you will ever get to the meaning of your love.

Why do I feel so much pain inside? Why do I still search for the light? Why does everyone hate me? Why do they laugh? Why? Why? Can’t they see im in pain? Can’t they see they hurt me? What if I ran away would anyone care? Would anyone cry? Would anyone try to find me? Would anyone worry? No! No one care no one would cry no one would try to find me no one would worry!! Because in this world im all…. Alone.. Behind this mask is pain.. I can fake a smile so you won’t see me frown.. I can fake a laugh so you won’t see my sorrow.. I can stand in the rain so you won’t see my tears.. And I can stand in a thunderstorm so you won’t hear my screams of pain… but what I can’t do is stand here and tell you I love my life and I never frown because that would be a… lie..

alone and waiting waiting for someone for something waiting sadness is filling my heart I try to seek comfort though comfort does not seek me come and embrace me and take me away from my sadness

I miss your tattoed arms and your breath against my lips when you hold my hand feeling your soft finger tips I miss your gentle kiss against my neck and body I miss your cold hands touch and how your arms open for me. I miss the way you smile and the way you look into my eyes I miss you when I dont see you cause another part of me dies.

» Today is one of the days I could easily cross off the calendar. I didn't sleep much, had weird dreams and I have a terrible stomach ache. This morning I burnt my tongue and it hurts, and my mother keeps on bringing me down with her words. My thoughts are focusing on what I haven't got anymore and what I feel like right now. See the lyrics. That's what I think right now about the relationship. I know that it wasn't like that. Well, actually I don't know. But if all those feelings were just a game, he was damn good in playing his role. I dunno whom I can trust - head or heart? I really don't know.

» About the weird dream tonight. I dreamt of a huge spider trying to kill Moos and me. We were running away but the disgusting thing was much faster than us. We tried to outwit it but it didn't work... and in the end... well I dunno. I dunno if we survived. I just know that that dream ruined my day. Actually I was fine with the situation. I thought so. But now I see that I miss Moos more than I thought and more than I want. And you know what the funniest thing is? The alarm clock rang with Why can't you love me like before this morning.


Stay tuned, fuckholes.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without, without love

Raven is: sad

 

I get very sad when it gets to evening/night time. All the hurt that is hidden or forgotten during the happy daytime becomes apparent during the twilight and night time.

I feel guilty, stupid, embarrassed, misunderstood, ignored, alone, sad, pitied, irresponsible, bleah!

I feel like i've been let down, and that i've let everyone down. I feel tired physically and mentally.

I feel like a fool, an idiot. I don't know how to fix my mistakes, or even if i've made any mistakes.

I feel jealous.

I feel like i've betrayed people. I feel unresponsive, and aloof. I feel disjoint and detached.

I feel cold.

……..