| subject: | Sleepless night & RIP Monica |
| post date: | 2008-05-12 00:04:35 |
| views: 73 comments: 3 ratings: 0 |
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Im having trouble going to sleep. I really want to cut, Its been a few weeks since.
Found out theres a service/funneral for Monica on thursday. Also found out it was an Overdose, Kat is pretty torn up about it. Im doing what I can to be there for Kat, doing what I can to comfort her since she was far closer to Monica then I was.
I dont know. I just dont know. I dont know how I feel. I dont know what to say to Kat, cuz there isnt anything I can say. I dont know in general.
Im feeling overwhelmed. I feel like crying. I feel like cutting. I wana "rescue" Kat from all this death and pain, and I cant. I cant rescue anyone when Ive not even rescued myself yet.Just because i feel better for a few weeks does NOT mean that im better. Took months for me to feel like this, will take a while for me to be better.
Doesnt mean i dont still wana ignore my problems and try to rescue someone again. Im glad to have kat as a friend, a closer friend now, but at the same time i have to remind myself friends have to be there for me too, i cant put myself in another situation where i need someone to need me to survive. Ive done it too many times.
its funny. i keep thinking, if i just take somemore drugs... and drugs are what killed Monica. I hope she was happy. i hope she got that high she was chasing before she died. I hope shes painfree now. I hope it was quick. I hope that shithead didnt leave her for dead, i hope he had enough respect and care for her to call 911, but chances are he didnt want to get busted. I hope shes looking down at us, telling us not to be sad. I hope she finds a way to comfort Kat, to tell her things are ok.
I hope things turn out ok.
Id still like to cut. To drag the razor down my arm. Feel the sting. Watch the blood gather and bead up. Get the rush. The adrenaline. The high. To play in the blood. Pull on the skin. Play in more blood. Wash with cold water. Wrap bandages around it and go lay in bed as the adrenaline wears off.
I shouldnt. ill dissapoint.Ive been doing so well.
its harder to cover the cuts. Ive got a wedding comming up this weekend and seeing family tommarow. Woudlnt be a nice mothers day present to my aunts and mother if i had fresh cuts.
Just a few lines on my arm woudl be bliss.
Kinda have the urge to punch myself in the face, that tends to give me a adrenaline rush as well, but Id wake Kat whos inthe room next to me. |
(who do you love?)
