| Funny stuff my family sends me!! |
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| author: | | | last post: | 2008-05-05 19:33:49 |
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| I laughted so hard. Really funny 2008-05-05 19:33:49 (33 views) (2 comments) |
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| subject: | I laughted so hard. Really funny |
| post date: | 2008-05-05 19:33:49 |
| views: 33 comments: 2 ratings: 0 |
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser
for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking
at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, 'don't do it,' and reasoning that a one second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and . . . HOLY . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, personal parts nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling
in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling. Apparrently I filled my pants, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my personal body parts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try living stupid.'
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