I feal like such a huge f**k up. Every guy I get that is good to me I some how f**k it up. I feal I don't derserve them I guess. I guess you can't love someone if you do not love yourself right.
I always seem to find a way to get them hurt them before they hurt me. I have been hurt by men so much that I run when it seems like it is to good to be true. I find some way to sabatauge the relationship.
I have always been told all my life I was a nobody, ugly, fat, usless, evil, heartless, ect... And I truely believe this still. When your family, and both exhubby's have told u this you tend to begin to think that there has to be some truth to what they are saying.
I know I am not a bad person in genral. I know I am a good mom. That I have a big heart and would give a stranger the shirt off my back if they needed it more than I did. I know I am a good friend, and that if I can help anyone I will!!!
But what i don't think I am is a good person to men. Expecialy the ones who treat me good. The ones who tell me I am pretty and that they love me and that I am this or i am that.... When they show me attention or spoil me...I just ask myself why. Why are they doing this. Why are they treating me so good.
Maybe I sound crazy but it is how I feel. When I look in he mirror I don't see what they say I am. I don't see the person they say I am. Then I get scared and find a way to push them out.
"SIGH" I dunno it is just how I feel.
I do not deserve it nor do I deserve them. Nor do I deserve there second chances or there love.
I dunno.