Ok... Well... back to life as usual... We're moving into an apartment the first of next week... who knows WHY... the lady said it takes a "few days" to 'get it ready'... guess they have to move out the dead bodies... it's not as nice as i would like it to be... well, actually, the exterior is great! there are little pondy/lakey things... and apparently fish in them, the girls love fishing... and there are pretty pools... and a huge fitness center... and stuff... it's seriously pretty.... but while i was there for like, 30 Ms.... like 15 'gang banger' lookin men/women drove up (to drop off rent)maybe they live in the one bedrooms, and they'll be far away from me... lol... no... not likely.... but, oh well... it'll be a place of my own... sorta... I'm just so extremely stressed.... I'm sick of bitching at dennis to do shit... and i'm sickof him bitching at ME when he has to do something.... he's like 'i work all day'... I'm like... WTF?!?!? I have to do all kinds of shit when I 'work all day'... for some reason he thinks cuz he's the man he shouldn't have to do anything on his 'days off' or during his 'time off' in the evenings... and yeah, Erin, I totally know what you're gonna say... and you're right... but right now, there's not a lot I can even do... Freakin, I hurt my knee when i wrecked my car... then once i got the paper work i needed Macy's said i had "abandoned my job" cuz i didn't call in every day... even though I had told one of the managers that "I would call once I knew what was going on" and she said "OK"... its just some fucked up bullshit...but whatever... anyways... there was money wasted seeinga doctor... i never even filled my painkiller script cuz i don't wanna waste the money on it... so now, I have no car... and no job... BLEH... but i can suffer living in an apartment w/ him... I now wish he had never came to OKC.... things were fine before he did... all he did was come down here and start shit as usual... bitching yelling whining... I even went out with Sarah one night to her friend's house, not even spending money, just OUT and dennis bitched forever about that.... its like, he bitches about everything I do... I've gotten to this point I'm severely depressed... I mean... BAD.... like, I never want to crawl out of bed... I don't wanna do anything... I just wanna lay in bed and never get back up again... of course, I have the girls so I have to... plus i have to keep an eagle eye on them... cuz I don't want them messing anything of mom's up... or sarah's for that matter.... but they're pissy as hell cuz they don't have any toys here... they don't have anything to play with... they dont have their books... their anything... i dont' have their DVDs, or movies... it just sucks... i feel so bad for them.... Tash is upset that she has to leave her school.... She really loves this school out here... Her teacher, Mrs. Gold... is really sweet. Tash really likes her... I feel so bad that I have to switch her... she has friends.... Thomas, Sieda, Zoe... a bunch of other kids... she talks about... who knows... but she loves it.... she was sick on day and threw a fit to GO to school.... I dunno... I just feel like I'm failing my daughter... I feel like I'm failing as a parent... I've done everything I can... done everything I think I should, how I should do it... and still, it's not right.... Then on top of that I have Dennis bitching at me constantly... I must be a glutton for punishment, because I continue to put up with this shit and defend him... depsite the fact that I spend more time crying than anything... I still put up with it and defend him... WHY?!?!? I don't know... I never should have taken him back after the shit he pulled when Tash was a baby.... He was telling people I was sexually physically and emotionally abusing Tash... YEAH... AND I EVEN READ THE EMAILS HE SENT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ABOUT IT!!!!! I mean, WTF?!?!?! Yet I take his ass back?? WTF?? WHY?? I want so badly for my children to grow up in a normal family... whatever normal even is... but then they have to see dennis and i fight... well, actually, we don't fight in front of them that much... but still... them even seeing it at all.... i try to text him to fight... less noise....But itjust seems like I can't win.... I can't stand him... I can't stand dealing with him... I can't stand even having to talk to him... one night after we all had been hella busy all day... i made the girls little sandwiches... and the ass has the nerve, after i say, wanna come make your sandwich, to say "Um, no... you can make it" Like i'm his bitch... LIke I'm the maid that should do everything, I work so hard to keep this house clean cuz these kids just create mess.... i sweep at least once if not twice a day, mop just as much... up until i got smart and got paper plates i was doing a ton of dishes... with 3 adults and 2 kids in a house, that seriously creates a mess!! And it's not like i MIND doing it at all... its the fact that he's an ass to me about when HE has to do something... then he sits and bitches the WHOLE fucking time... I'm like... DUDE.... you're an adult, you're a parent... take some responsibilty.... FUCK.... I dunno... It's pointless to bitch... cuz I'm not going to do anything about it... It's almost like this sub-concious thing telling me, I can't do any better anyways... actually, I think he's even told me that... I fear being alone... Right now i feel like I have NO ONE... I mean, i rarely talk to my brother, he's got his own life, his girlfriend, etc... my grandpa, well, hates me... my dad... well, I don't wanna get my hopes up... I feel bad about that, but everytime i try to get close to him, something happens... like... he goes to jail, or prison.... sooooooooo..... I'm kinda like, eh... I don't know what to do about all that... I'm SOOO not close to dennis.... the girls,well, aren't great emotional supporters.... I have sarah and lynda, but really, i feel like i've been more of a pain in their ass than anything recently... and i don't have any friends... My own doing of course.... I just feel so alone ya know?? I want to just have someone there.... really... I want my mommy back... thats what i want.... I want her around to cry to, and to have her just hug me when I'm sad.... and tell me everything is going to be ok... bbuuuttt thats so not going to happen, obviously... i feel like i'm failing as a parent... i feel like i'm on the verge of having a nervoud breakdown... seriously. Which, idn't all that unlikely... had one when lexi was bout 2 mos. You try living with Dennis.... you'd understand.... he treats me like shit... then blames me for it... it's my fault he treats me like shit....i really dont know what to even say or do anymore...
