i have class in a couple hours. im supposed to get up in 1 hour. i have insomnia. i miss Star. im fuckin exhausted. those of you who talk to me and love me and shit rock. those of you who dont... eh, i dont know where im goin with this. you something or other, k? k. i should have Kristina do a magic trick and make you all vanish. just poof. i miss Kristina. shes fuckin awesome. i keep havin martyr dreams about her. when i can sleep. weird huh? im still addicted to prinny's boobs too. fuck theyre big. you know, i think my fav. cereal is raisin nut bran. its good stuff. especially the nut covered raisins. oh, and apparently, by my bio. sisters standars, im white trash. oh well. i like what i like and i dont give a fuck what any one thinks. i wonder how punky is. she almost never responds when i im her. always too busy i guess. for those of you who think about her, annie is doin ok. sometimes. i do my best for her, but often it seems like its not enough. i SHOULD be getting my drivers license back on wed. or thursday. doubt i will though. it IS the dmv afterall. the new season of Digging For The Truth started today. the new host sucks. jus doesnt really work with out Josh Bernstein. they have this cool little kit car in the shop at school. no where near done yet. hope we get to work on it a bit this year. still need to get my jeep fixed. fuckin electrical problems. still need to clean it out too. full of trash from last fuckin summer. alycia is the only one online right now. shes a sweetie. needs to get away from the douchebag she lives with though. want her to come up for halloween. think her son would like the jack-o-lantern show down in central vermont. still have a ton of work to do in on the hall. and around the yard. mosquitos are all dieing off wich will make that easier. if i had the money for the paint, id see about painting the trim too. needs it. im almost out of cologne. but i dun have the $60 for a new bottle. my razor suck, so shaving is a bitch. and the cleaner thing for it is broken. my juicer is broken too.need to get that fixed. need to pick up an actual copy of the new Nine Inch Nails album Year Zero. i think its quite possibly the best album ive ever heard. completely unique. got an autographed dvd of The Logger when i went to the fair with Mely. that waas cool. but hangin with her and her boy was awkward. hes a cool guy and all, but hopefully next time i get to hang with her, itll jus be me and her. wish i could have gotten Souray's autograph while he was a Canadien, but he left the team. damn traitor plays for the Oilers this season. least Plekanec, my fav. player, resigned with my Canadiens. but thats old news. jus still bitter about Souray leaving us. still lookin forward to the season though. i keep getting headaches. i think its stress. constantly feel a ton of pressure on my shoulders. feels like its crushing me. im gettin too soft. need to work out more. if yall could, could ya bug me about my work out every day? make sure ive done it? sunshine was doin that for a while. shes a sweetie. sam has pics up of herself with long hair. i cant match those pics to the sam i know. i guess im just too used to her having short hair. shes the only girl i ever thought looked beautiful in a mens cap. usually annoys the hell out of me when girls wear them. but somehow, it looks good on her. im probably gonna mass message out the link to this so a few of you will read it. probably get chewed out by alice for it cause she hates mass messages. im so apathetic right now i dont even feel like masturbating. what guy cant masturbate? i mean really. im stuck dog-sitting my sisters dog again. i like the lil fucker, but this is getting ridiculous. dont get a fucking dog if you dont intend to take care of it. i mean fuck, shes already abandoned two dogs here. do we really need a third? and she fuckin brings her laundry here and expects our mom to do it. demands money from mom and jackie (my aunt) for gas, bills etc even though she has the highest paying job in the family. blows it all on going out with her friends i guess. fuckin moronic. i know its lame to be 24 and living at home. and be unemployed. but i earn my keep around here by taking care of the physical end of things. stuff that my mom (68) and my aunt (66) arent physically able to do. well they are, but come on. who would make a 68 year old woman do them when theres a 24 year old guy around to do it? what kinda douchebag would i hafta be to do that?i feel like a complete failure some times. still livin with mom. high school drop out. college drop out. cant keep a job for more than a couple months. got a damn drunk driving conviction. but im doin my best. tryin to turn things around. goin to tech classes to become a mechanic. its just hard to look towards the future when youre not happy with the present. but i jus gotta keep on truckin. one day at a time. i miss nicole. she doesnt talk to me anymore. she was such an amazing woman. and quite beautiful to boot. and natasha is sick. been sick for over a week now. i wish she felt better. the aclu keeps bugging me for more money. i owe national geographic $20. gotta pay $25 for my new coveralls for class. and $65 to get my license reinstated when the DMV finishes processing the paperwork. got a phone bill i gotta pay off. was $1000 originally. but that was about 2 years ago. no clue what it is now. what ever it is, i dont have the money. so it will continue to fuck up my credit for a while more. my anti-depressants are sposta prevent my headaches, but they stopped doing that a few weeks ago. which sucks cause i cant afford to miss a class because of a migraine. jus imagine what its gonna be like workin in an auto shop with a migraine. talkin to a cutie named pamela right now. her display pic is really rather modest. but somehow the lack of sexuality to it is sexier than most of the display pics i see. what women dont seem to get is that in reality, what you dont see is hotter than what you do see. its the hint of sex that is sexual. im startin to get a lil desperate for some kink/fetish play. almost enough to miss living in a town with hookers. though i dont think i could ever bring myself to pay for it. would just feel wrong. if youre still reading this, you rock. or your jus bored outta your skull. i cant stop thinkin about kristina right now. she was such an awesome girl to hang out with. i wanna jus sit down, have a few drinks with her and chat. maybe hug or cuddle a bit. my dad was supposed to come visit in august. his wife got sick so he couldnt. i doubt he would of anyway. last time he was supposed to, he didnt. i hurt everywhere these days. my knees, my ankle, my back. guess i shoulda been gentler on my body huh? cept the knee problems arent my fault. got my left knee cap broken for me 4 years ago. healed a lil too wide. goes out on me alot. always hurts. had to favor it and put most of the stress on my right knee for the last 4 years. cartilage is wearing out. gonna hafta get them both replaced someday. tmj has been acting up lately too. makin it hard to eat. im fuckin hungry right now. im always fuckin hungry these days. least im gonna lose my softness now. cant keep up with my metabolism. cant afford to. were too fuckin broke. not enough food in the house to keep up with it. well, there is, but if i did, thered be nothing left for my mom and aunt to eat. so i stay hungry. been tryin to find work, even though the family is lettin me live here on the condition i wont work and will focus on my training. not that anyones willing to hire me anyways. they see the dui conviction and im out the door. "well call you." yeah. cause that call ever comes. that jus means "no fuckin way. now get out." some times wish i coulda found a way to stay in the army. guess it jus wasnt meant to be though. its gettin light out. class in 3 hours. still cant sleep. gonna be a long fuckin day. i should go work out, but i dont feel up to it. ill do it in an hour. i swear. i think i need lunesta or something. start gettin real sleep at night. thats an odd concept to me. sleepin at night. usta be nocturnal. cant be anymore. life demnads that i diurnal now. which sucks cause i hate the sun. fucker is too damn bright. plus the whole tan thing. dun like to be tan. causes skin cancer. all these ladies who go tanning regularly. gonna have real shitty looking skin in a few years. get all nasty and leather lookin. bah. if god meant you to have a tan year round, youd have no need to go tanning. not that i can say much about what god meant humans to have given the tattoos, and pierced cock and septum. laura talked about my cock on air once. was kinda funny. specially since shes never seen it. course she was wasted. i miss jess sometimes. its weird. i dont wanna get back with her. i just miss her. guess its cause we lived together for the better part of a year. get used to someones presence. shes back down in jersey these days. hates it there. i need a new fedora. old one doesnt fit anymore. fuckers are expensive though. bout $130. hte fedora is the ultimate gentlemans hat. sinatra and bogie both wore one. those fuckers had style. i think bing wore one too. sometimes i think about my first girlfriend. wonder how she is, what shes up to these days. for all i know, she could be married and have a family by now. but you never forget that first girl/boy. its the only time in your life that what you feel is unspoiled. pure. after them, lust takes over. sex begins to play a role in who you like and dont like. seems almost to cheapen it. gotta shave again today. i hate shaving. but i gotta have a professional appearance. cant look all scruffy anymore. fuckin dogs are barkin. givin me a damned headache. i guess i need to have more faith in myself or something. god i wish i could sleep. maybe when i get home from class ill be able to. jus cant sleep too long or annie will be mad at me. told her id talk to her when she got home from school. i dunno. im gonna make today a good day if it kills me.
