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Ok... I haven't been around for a few days because I've had a lot of things going on. Been super busy, and then I dislocated my knee, and my favorite uncle that I was very close to killed himself yesterday. I'm having a hard time dealing with the circumstances of his death. So, if I'm not around much or just seem flaky, well now you know why.
I know that he wasn't the type of person to do something like that. I found out that he'd been put on 4 types of antidepressants in the past few weeks. The last last time I'd spoken with him, he told me he was happy, even though he was having some health issues. He'd had heart problems but told me he was getting better and taking better care of himself. So, all this came as a shock yesterday when suddenly he just took his own life. I know he was strong in his faith and in his church, and that's what makes it so hard for me to believe that he was himself.
From what I have been told, he suddenly didn't even recognize his own sister, and was becoming despondant... yet, seems that the doctors didn't find that odd or needed any further evaluation, even though he had been in the hospital just about 2 weeks ago, having breathing issues. He was in there pulling the leads off and ripped the IV out of his arm. Apparently, that didn't raise any eyebrows. His new wife was worried about him and begged him to go to the hospital. He just told her that he needed a nap. In a matter of a couple of hours, he made the decision that he was done with life.
I am having a hard time accepting that he was in his right mind, because of the antidepressants, and having a hard time accepting or even believing that it's ok for a doctor to just add more psychiatric drugs for someone when one or even 2 clearly were only making him feel worse and "out" of his normal mindset.
Right now I'm having feelings of extreme guilt, "what if" feelings, because I had a really strong urge to call him yesterday... apparently about the time he committed suicide. I blew off that urge to call him because I thought that he would still be at work, even though deep down I was thinking that he was at home, for some strange reason. I was impatiently waiting for about 5:30, when I knew that he'd be home. So these feelings are really sucking for me.
I have to say, he was a great man, regardless of what anyone thinks or feels about suicide, or even the reasons why. My uncle helped me through some really tough times in my own life. For that, he'll always hold a really special place in my heart. I'll always hold fond memories of him dear and close to my heart. May he rest in peace.
Anyways... for those that have been wondering what's up, just a lot going on right now so I'll be in and out right now. Trying to find something to keep my mind occupied. So I'm not avoiding anyone or just being flaky and stuff, I just need some time to deal with things. Thanks to those who've been there for me. I really appreciate it. I'll try to be back soon, but right now, I think I just need to take a break until I feel a little better. For now, I can put on my fake smile and pretend things make me laugh or smile, and some do, but only briefly.
Ok, done with my touchy, emo feely, crying, rantish, rambling blog.
Laters xoxoxo
Jenn
