mr chainsaw's blog: "blah"

so now i understand by bush and cheany felt that we should go to "war"...george bush owns a factory that produces yellow ribbons...in his factory they make yellow ribbon stickers, yellow ribbon decals, some say support our troops (like we wouldnt support someone who is being forced to fight in a stupid war), yellow ribbon shirts, anything that has to do with a yellow ribbon is made by bush...this is how i figure it all went down...one day bush was sitting in the oval office playing game boy when cheany came in and told bush we needed to go to war so all his stocks in halliburton would go up and he could make like 50 billion dollars so bush argreed but then he asked "dick what can i do with my yellow ribbon sticker factory?" so cheany told him they would tell all the stupid americans to buy these ribbons so we can prove we are real americans...he also told bush to tell everybody "were gonna fight um over there so we dont have to fight them over here, but if we do have to fight um over here people with a yellow ribbon wont be attacked" but when bush was giving that speech he was drunk and forgot the last part but never the less being the lucky asshole he is 60% of america bought a yellow ribbon because they saw the car in front of them had it and thought "if they have one i need one to otherwise there a better american then i am" and what does that get us longer lines at the airport, anybody with brown skin being profiled, the "patriot act" giving the government the right to do anything in the name of democracy, and less then in 10 months and well have a new president...so now i feel like will farrell in old school after he gives the debate against james carville when he zones back into things...peace

i find it very interesting that up until 3 days ago more then half of america had never heard of sean taylor before but by now im sure that you all know who he is...now please im not trying to make light of what happened to him at all...it was a senseless crime that took on of the up and coming superstars the nfl had and i hope they find the asshole who did that to him...but this ties into something that i have thinking about for a while and here goes i am tried of america rallying around causes the media tell them to...for example i was just on myspace leaving a comment on my brothers page and there were 2 people on his top friends list that changed there picture to some sort of RIP sean taylor thing (please understand im not trying to disrespect sean at all) but up until like a 3 days ago im pretty sure that these people had never even heard of him...this is something that ive noticed more and more lately another example was after the horrible events that happened at Virgina Tech i saw some of the same type of things on here and myspace about "never forget" or it would have the the va tech logo with a yellow ribbon...i just dont understand how one day people could care less about something and the next day thats all they can talk about...in america people just love to seem to get involved in things they have no reason to get involved in is basically what i am trying to say...basically americans as a group are stupid and we feel sorry for whatever the news tells us to feel sorry for thats the point i am trying to get across...later

so its weird...in about 2 and half hours i am going to be having my fourth practical...really its only my third because the first ones we didnt really do anything but knife cuts but i digress...i have more confidence in myself then i have ever had...i know what im doing and i mastered both of the labs were we had to make these soups so i am feeling a tremendous amount of confidence...this time i am going to be able to spend more time on the final product with the garnish and what not...and as an added bonus me and my partner we are in the front kitchen we its just me and her and we have a stove top all to ourselves so i dont have to worry about bumping elbows with ppl or anything like that so i am generally excited about this so i guess i better get back to studying...peace out bitches

what am i doing i know this is never going to work out...im a idiot for thinking it would...why do i always get into situations like this...why is it i always want what i can never have

so i am getting tired of everything...it seems lately ive been searching for answers that just wont come (if by lately i mean the last 3 years)...everything i do i seem to screw up...like at work today...this guy was overly rude to me and i was rude back to this asshole and he complained about me being rude...but calling someone stupid to there face when they are bringing your stupid piece of shit loud messy white trash family food isnt rude...you know sometimes i wish i i lived in another town with another name and knew other people and had a different life...because this one is starting to suck but what are my options? we all know the answer to that and thats not a answer at all...it seems like the closer i get to what i want the fartherer away from it i get and that could be said for like 4 different aspects of my life...i just want to cook...as gay as that sounds when i am in the kitchen i am alive...my food comes to life through me and me through it...i just wish i could convey that same confidence in my life...use that somehow to stop screwing everything else i touch up...though i am still in some sort of denial about it i am probably not going to be asked back to school next semester and that is totally 100% my fault...in prep 1 i am making a A...but i haven't been to the rest of my classes in like a month...what the fuck is my problem...i know i need to be there and if i was i would pass these stupid ass classes easy as hell...its not like they are all that hard...deep down inside i know i am going to fail...almost all of me believes i am going to be the best chef to come out of this area...i want to believe that i am going to be the one in this area that everybody knows as the top chef in bell county...i want to have a restaurant were other chefs come to learn from me but theres this part of me that says ill never be anything more than a crappy line chef but the other 85% of me tells me to man the fuck up and take control...so i try to take control and i cant...how am i going to run a restaurant if i cant even run my life the right way...its like a intentolly sabotage everything i do...and its not just school its other things...im pretty sure i screwed something up today that i was getting into nicely but you can probably kiss that goodbye like the crap you took this morning...so basically im still trying to open locked doors that i dont have a key for...so if you know a locksmith or a keymaker let me know...

its why im mr chainsaw When was it that you lost your youth or traded It for something more for them to use so jaded Why is it that you never said I love you more than just a friend I pray this gridlock never ends And when we get there just depends I found out recently that you are leaving For good I hope I softly tell my ceiling It's better now to be alive Sleeping is my 9 to 5 I'm having nightmares all the time Of running out of words that rhyme Everything that you could never say Would never matter anyway I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago Before that steak knife took my eyes I looked up to the sky For the last thing I would ever see For the last time I'd cry When was it that you sold your life or wasted Every bite of that small slice you never tasted I guess I should be one to talk There's nights that I can't even walk There's days I couldn't give a fuck And in between is where I'm stuck From blocks away I heard somebody screaming That small child inside of you that you left bleeding You stabbed him up not once but twice Cubicles will now suffice Some say it's the roll of the dice I think they're wrong I know I'm right Every breath that I could barely breathe Could barely make it past my teeth I took a blowtorch to both of my lungs a long long time ago Every step that i could take Every one more difficult to make Mr. Chainsaw came and took my legs a long, long time ago In case you're wondering I'm singing about growing up about giving in In case you're wondering we're singing about growing up About giving up and giving

if anybody would miss me if im gone...how long would it be before my friends missed me or would they miss me at all...sometimes i dont think they would...i hate this place...its like life is some sort of weird limbo game its just way to repetitive and its way to exhausting...the pain fills my head but these pills just mean im not dead...i am getting tired of this

so today i start this new job...blah...im excited because i need the money but i also do want to go because i grown quit accustomed to not having a job and sitting doing nothing...i dont want to be a productive member of society...lol...anyway im about to go in do this so wish me luck...on another unrelated i am thinking about turning gay becuase i dont understand women...i mean i just dont understand why women are so friggin crazy anyway....later

whats got two thumbs and a new job...THIS GUY...thats right...this here dude got him a new job today...though its not anything special its a job and hooray for that...now i might be able to pay for school...anyway im contemplating having my name legally changed from josh harper to just McLovin...no last name just McLovin...let me know what you think

so today i am going in for a job interview...its the first one ive been on in 4 years...my last interview wasnt even a interview so i dont count it i was just hired...i know i am gonna kill at it...i am everything they are looking for...i know what im doing, ive done it before, ive got tons of proir experience, im never late, in my whole life ive never no call/no showed and only called in sick once...so i know i shouldnt have to much trouble with it...but for some reason im nervous as hell...so much so that im shaking a little...why is this i wonder...if i get this job it will almost be a step down from my last one so why am i so nervous...i dont know but its pissing me off...on a completely unrelated note i might have meet someone but its still way to early to tell anything