sometimes i wonder who really cares about anyone else but themselves. so many people say that they're listening, but i wonder if they're actually just waiting for their turn to speak. maybe im just rambling, idunno. i just have a lot of random thoughts right now. lately i've been feeling really alone. even with a group of people, i fell like there's no one else around me. almost like im invisible. when i was little, that was the one super power i really wished that i had. i just wanted everything to go away. but now that i feel like i have it, i don't want it. im actually pretty tired of feeling that way. even with all the friends that i have, i feel so isolated. lately, nothing really matters anymore. i've been so upset that i've just gone numb, and i hate that. i just cant cry anymore. and as much as i hate crying, i kinda wish i could. just to know that i can still feel something. im tired of love though. it gets you nowhere. absolutely fucking nowhere. which sucks, cause when you're in it, it's so amazing. but then it starts to take a toll on your mind. i think this quote pretty much got it. "...love doesn't hurt so i know im not falling in love, im just falling to pieces..." when your in love, you start seeing things differently. you picture your future and the people that you think will be in it. which no one should do, considering that could change at any moment. which is kind of a scary thought. but also comforting in a way. if nothing changed, then you wouldn't know any of the people you do now. you wouldn't have any of the experiences that you do, and you wouldn't have made any of the mistakes that you've made, which sounds nice, but then you would never learn anything. without mistakes there is no life experience. you cant live by having someone tell you everything that you should do. living your life through someone else just doesn't seem worth it to me. love doesn't really seem worth it to me either, i mean, you've gotta wonder though, is the pain so much, that it would make it worth losing the feeling of love? donut get me wrong, love is great... while it lasts, but once its gone [and sadly, its never fully gone] you have to wonder if the pain overpowers the love.i was reading through some of my old poetry books and its amazing how many poems i have on 2 subjects. the main one being love. new love, in the beginning, the point when you wonder how much longer it will last, the end of love, and the after effects that it has on a person. it's ridiculous. i used to write around 5 poems a day. i cant even write one now. which is why i wonder if im just numb. and if so, i cant tell if that's a good or bad thing. one one hand, there's no pain, on the other, no happiness. i cant figure out if that evens out or not. i guess that's something that i'll just have to ponder...
"if one were to ponder the mysteries of life... how long might one be pondering?"
well, i guess that's enough rambling for one entry...
