darkness personified's blog: "bittersweet memories..."

it was early morning when i came back from work...emotionally drained and overwhelmed after one night on stage...the rush of adrenalin calmed after the spot lights were turned off...i found you sitting in the dark ...in the rain ...outside my door...the glisten of your teardrops caught by the street lights...i held you close...felt your body shivering...didn't know whether it's from the coldness of the rain or your heart... i'd always accepted you without question...but at that particular moment...i wished you'd let me know what made you sad...i could kissed away your tears...but that wouldn't take away your pain...i'd felt so much hurt in you...so much sadness...and my heart had bled for you....it's so strange how we could share so much of our lifes together for so long and yet there's so much of you i didn't know...you're still a stranger to me...after loving you for so long...i'd learned to stay outside your dark world...a world i'd never be able to enter...no matter how hard i tried...we made sweet love in the rain...over and over again... when the morning came...you're gone...as quietly as the sun light creeping up my curtains... afterthought: would it have made any difference if i had made you stay??? or if i had insisted you tell me the reasons why you're sad or why you cried?? i have no answer...

please stop... stop haunting me... stop tearing my heart apart... stop my heart from aching... stop my tears from falling... stop my mind from thinking of you... stop me loving you... stop my world from turning a darker shade of black... stop...please stop...please... i wish i could just lay me down to sleep and not waking up...

we used to walk the fields of green... we used to sit by clear blue streams... we used to be so happy... me and you... we used to do such silly things... we used to make love in the rain... we used to... yes we used to then you went away... leaving me with the memories we made memories of those sweet yesterdays spent with you ...spent with you and eventhough you're gone i still think so often of you and the things that we no longer do like we used to...ah... we used to... we used to be so much in love we used to kiss and hold and touch we used to find so many things to do we used to laugh and plan and dream we used to own the world it seems we used to... yes we used to then you went away... leaving me with the memories we made memories of the sweet yesterdays spent with you...spent with you... oh eventhough you're gone i still think so often of you and the things that we no longer do like we used to... oh we used to... (lyrics of 'we used to') it's as if the person who wrote this song knew something like this would happen to me... i remembered that night in particular...was singing on stage...when our mutual friend walked in...can't even remember his name now...insensitive the way he was...he told me you're gone...somehow my mind couldn't register...just couldn't...it's like i wiped that conversation out of my mind...it took 8 long years to suddenly had my mind hammered...bashed into pulps...i was singing with a different band then...and it was while i was singing 'stairway to heaven' that it suddenly hit me...'coz the introduction to the song is similar...i hid in my room and i played this song "we used to" over and over again...and my heart broke...over and over again if that's possible...it was like someone has driven millions of searing ridged knives through my heart...i wished i could die then...imagine...8 long years...seemed unbelieveable...but yes...8 long years later for the truth to register...i spent 3 days in my room...locked the door...refused to see anyone...my manager was worried...but he felt my pain...and left me be...how could someone locked something away for 8 years and not even thought about it somehow...i had no answer then and i still don't have any answer now...back to that night 8 years ago ...what our friend told me was basically you died...you're in a car and you're not even the driver...there're 4 of you...and all of you perished in that accident... i still remember your smile...your kiss...your touch...your sadness...your happiness...your everything...and my heart's still hurting right now...even as i wrote this down...memories can haunt you till you die...i try to remember only the good things...but then again...i have to take the bitter with the sweet...could i have loved you better?... could i made you stay?...there're so many questions unanswered...they won't change a thing now...they're all bittersweet refrains...of the songs of my life... i would have given anything to have you here now..honestly i couldn't love you any better...i already have loved you the best i could... i'll always remember you...you will always have that special place in my heart...i still love you...in my own crazy ways... rest in peace...

looking back...i have no answer why we drifted apart...i guess nothing lasts forever...still i would like to thank you for the memories...memories that are beautiful yet sad...sad simply because they're beautiful... remembering the first time we met...don't know if it's fate...karma...or destiny... i was feeling nostalgic...just wanted to get away from it all...the band boys were getting ready for the sound check ...just happened that the fuse blown and there's no electricity...so i jumped into a cab and when the driver asked where i wanted to go...i had no idea...told him to just drive...then impulsively told him to stop when we passed through the cemetery...no reason...just told him to stop... i love walking through cemeteries...so tranquil...so serene...then i thought i saw an angel...the fading light of dusk sieving through your long flowing hair...creating a halo...for a moment i thought i was at heaven's gate...as i moved closer...you looked up...and my heart...god...my heart skipped a beat...literally skipped a beat...and i knew...knew right there and then...i was in love...i had never believed in love at first sight...but that fateful day i was in love at first sight...i would have given anything in the world to be loved by you at that very moment...god i could never ever describe that feeling that went through my heart that day... you smiled but i could see the sadness in your eyes...and it was etched into my mind and little would i know it'd haunt me for the rest of my life...funny thing was...i never knew why you were there that particular day...maybe you're an angel sent to me...i guess we just accepted destiny... you gestured for me to sit opposite you and i did...like it was the most natural thing to do... we just sat there in silence...like two marble angels...and we talked without speaking...surreal...we must have sat there for hours...oblivious of the surrounding...till the hooting of an owl brought us back into reality...you stood up and asked if i would like to take a walk with you and i nodded...you took my hand and we walked in silence...and my heart melted...it was thumping so loud i thought i'd wake the dead...and somehow i knew you loved me in your own way...then it rained...you held me closer and looked into my eyes...then you kissed me...soft... sweet lips...and we made love in the rain...i was so afraid it was a dream and i was going to wake up and found you gone...but you were there...and we held eachother and just stayed under the rain...shivering yet warm with our intense passion...and that's our first night together...like a fairytale...i loved you...i really did...with all my heart...at that time...that instant... afterthought: everytime it rains...i still think of our first encounter...and how we used to make love in the rain ...we used to...

waking to the feeling of your finger tips on my body...the softness of your lips on mine... opening my eyes and look into your smiling eyes...i'm lost again... drowning in your love...i surrender myself totally...without hesitation...wthout holding back... touching you...feeling your warm breath against my neck....my heart aches... aching with these feelings i can't control... i hold you closer and wish that time stands still... afterthought: looking back...i wonder what went wrong...seems love sneaked out of our lifes...on silent heels...