It seems to me, that everytime I take two steps forward...I get knocked backwards a few steps. And I am not being gently blown backwards. No. I am being bitchslapped there.
I wasn't in love with my husband. I have never badmouthed him. I didn't go forth and spew out hatred and stories about him to my family or friends. I simply stated... I don't want to be married to someone that I am not in love with. <---period.
My private life is and has always been precicely that. Private. For 13 years I have never complained, badmouthed or talked negative in ANYway..the man who was my husband.
Why? Well...who's business was it but our own.
At first it was my brother.Born 12 years apart..he was always tagging along with me...everywhere I went. I loved it.
He has been coming to my house since I moved away from his. Spending every holiday celebrating with my children. I love him like he was my own.
So. His calls to me have ceased. Completely.
Then came my stepmother, who in December DISinvited my sister and myself to her wedding.
Never once did I judge her or make her feel bad about being engaged just 3 months after my fathers death.
I encouraged her happiness instead. One should be happy..I think...if it is within their very grasp.
My cousin...who was like my sister growing up...just last week showed up for a BBQ at the ex's house. It seems that she and His new girlfriend are fast friends.
My aunty...just today wrote me a message on Myspace...Telling me what a disgusting person I have become.
I really do not understand.
Her letter was two feet long. Each word slapped me in the face.
"Your father would roll over in his grave if he knew what you were doing!"
"WHAT.." I wrote back "Am I doing?! I wake up every morning drive my daughter to school, drive my ass to work, where I bust it, thankyouverymuch, get off of work, pick up my daughter from the ex's house come home, make dinner, hang with my kids and then go to sleep just to do it all over again the next day...except Mondays where I am at school until 9."
"Am I wrong?" I sobbed to my two closest friends..."Am i disgusting? really..be honest..you are outside of me..TELL ME!"
The both shook their heads and cuss words speared the air.
I rubbed at my eyes and lit a cigarette that I had clenched between my teeth.
"GOD!" I screamed.
"Have I changed so much? ALL of my family have left. ALL of them. Am I wrong? What am I doing wrong?"
"NOTHING!"
My aunt was disgusted that I had masterbate on my myspace. I laughed.
"You have always had that on there Beanie."
I know.
I know.
I don't know.