Black Rose's blog: "bitchin'"

What is the meaning of life? hell i dont know and dont give a shit anymore life sucks and shits on you and leaves you with nuthin if you are reading this and are looking for anything profound and inteligent, sorry this is a general bitch and moan session did you know that about 50% of people who call in to a calling center about their phones do NOT know what their phone .. is off hand? Or did you know that 30% of people who have issues with their phones have issues with speaking the english language??? damn it all to hell and back my life sucks and i just wish things wouldnt shit on me like they do people think im intelligent and like to be around me, i dont understand why when i am so full of contradictions. People call it being unique and eccentric i think is the word i heard not too long ago.... you know who you are... i like to be unique, if it wasnt such a bitch to be that way, my life is totally screwed up i appologise too much, even when i dont mean it, i laugh when id rather cry, i smile when im tore all up inside, i look like i keep it all together when im barely hanging on to the pieces of my life that mean anything to me, when i cry i push away, i offer but hardly accept help, i try to be there for others and feel i never need someone to lean on, im happy and friendly when i would just rather say get the hell away from me, i hug someone when id rather be alone, i stand here on my own supporting everyone i care about, yet some days i feel like no one is there for me. eccentric no, ecclectic maybe, crazy definately! i love to keep my friends close and help them through all they are going through, yet when i think of my own problems, i feel as if im lost in a fog of self doubt and depression. Ever walk out on a dark night with lots of fog hanging in the air? The air is so heavy you feel you can barely breath, you take ten steps from the door and you see only fog, your lost and everything is blurred so that you dont know which way to go. you reach out to touch, yet its not tangable. you cant hold it but yet you see it and can feel it in a way. the darkness is so oppressing that you just want to sit down and cry or yell for someone to be able to find you. is that tears on your face or moisture from the air. for all you know left is right and right is left. you dont know where you came from and dont know where you are going. that sounds like my life in a nutshell, i have the glimmers of hope and happiness but no one sees the dispair and depression, i hope you never do, it may swallow you up as well. lifes a bitch and then you die... how odd a statement yet how true.... when you have feelings for someone, you would love to tell them and show them, well i do... i always have btu is it right to bring these kinds of feelings into any kind of relationship? can anyone love me for who i am and know that i feel like this and feel these things. to be in the middle of a crowd yet be so alone... when do you reach the point of no return? and when does life get too much? when can you feel so low you start to drag others down? i dont know and hope to never hit these points, but one day i will, and i have before. God help me! I pray, I cry, I live, I dream, I hope, yet it all comes to what?A paycheck and what? I have a beautiful little girl that is the light of my life and the only reason I am still here. If she was not here and given the chance, I honestly believe I would not be here today. I used to once say in highschool, and some people will remember this.... to love life is to live, and to live life it to be loved..... i wish it were still so for me... i better go before i drag myself and whoever decides to read this into my pit of depression and dispair.

When you sit still for too long you get to thinking about way too many things... My mind is so full I would love to just remove it and dump out the garbage. I have so much going on in my life I dont know which way is up any longer. I have been keeping busy with work, which I really do enjoy.. even with the bad days. ;) But anywho, I love talking on the phone and getting paid for it too!! hee hee I just got divorced after being married for 3 years. I found he never loved me and only wanted me because of our daughter. I am happier without him, but it still hurts because of issues that caused us to finially get divorced. We were never meant to be together we should have stayed friends. On most weekends I go out and hang with friends, causing mischief and mayhem, but mostly enjoying myself. My friends help me keep my sanity, and I hope I dont drive them oer the edge. I get my daughter on every third weekend, and love just watching her grow... shes my saving grace I'd be lost without her. I am currently living with my parents and they are angels for putting up with me and my daughter, and loving me even with everything I have done and has happened. I have several friends who have been keeping me in line, or knocking me loopy occasionally.. lol One of my friends had to move away and it broke my heart, especially to watch him hurt because he had to leave his son here. He helped me keep my sanity through the worst parts of my divorce. And I hope I had been there for him durring his. You know I love you and always will. I am looking forward to seeing you again. Keep on being a great person, and hope to see you home soon. Then there is my little brother who will always be my best friend. There were so many nights we sat up and talked about everything. He knows me best and can always tell when I am lying.. damn you. lol But I love him anyway. I'll always be there for you, and will drive the next girlfriend off that I dont like. *huggles* Another of my friends joined the airforce, damn we have known each other way too long to ever loose touch again, which I will be forced to drive or fly across country to kick his butt if need be. I think we figured we have known each other...12 or 13 years now. We always seem to find each other, even in weird places on the net... lol We met in Band camp and nuff said about that lol. You always seem to get tickled over how my life changes adn how I am. I hope you always keep that humour and always stay in touch. Hope to see you soon, and when you get back to oklahoma you better come down and see me. Another band camp buddy im still in touch with keeps me on my toes because we are way too much alike....lol only thing from keeping us from being sisters is DNA... we tend to go for the wrong guys and usually the same guys... oops.. hee hee you know I love you girl! Keep on looking and I know you'll find a great guy just for you. Hopefully we dont look the same direction again. hee hee A person from the past recently came back into my life and is making a huge difference in my life. I wish we had stayed in touch, but there are reasons for everything and I am sure that its better that we remet again like we did. I know heartbreak and I see it with you, guard your heart and hold dearly to those who will be there for you and love you. Dont dwell on past relationships, they will hamper any future ones that may come. You know how I feel about you and I know one day the perfect woman will come along and accept you for you and love you as you are. You have gotten close to me in a very short time, I will always be there for you and be your friend. You know I make you smile, maybe one day the smile will stick... ;) There have been lots of people come back in my life recently and all have made a huge impact on me. I hope I can offer the same back to them. I try to be there to the best of my abilities, and be the best friend I can possibly be. Everyone see something different with me, but one day I hope someone can see past the outside and see me for who I really am. I dont think anyone has quite got me figured out. What you see is what you get, but is what you see what I really am? Or what you want me to be? Keep in mind life is all in perceptions. If you percieve a person as one thing, to you they will always be that; unless you take a deeper look into who they are and what they are. You see a lover, fighter, sweetheart, sexy vixen on bed, mother, daughter, happy, sad, exotic, depressing or whatever you see in an individual. Take a longer look and you may be surprized. I have never seen myself as beautiful, I know what I have going for me, so I developed a personality that is accepting and is very personable. People tend to get along with me because I'm rarely if ever combative. I love to help my friends and be there for them. I would do almost anything for someone I care about, which has been taken advantage of before. I think I have said enough for now, to keep my friends thinking. If you were commented on in here you know who you are, If you aren't dont worry you are on my mind, I just dont have anything to say for the public to you or I have other reasons... Love you all!!