well some of you know that i have been diagosed with bipolar. and it sucks. i have bipolar and major depression. the thing is is that i am currently not on medication. so my mood swings are horrible. my husband bears with me as best as he can, but i know that i am a total bitch when they hit. i am a reformed cutter. all through highschool i cut. i would cut my wrists, my ankles, and my arms up near my shoulders. i have the scars to prove it. i used to be a pill popper too. i tried to OD on anti depressants and also on sleeping pills. i thankfully had a few people who truly cared about me growing up and called my parents to have them rush me to the ER. i never had my stomach pumped, but i was always forced to ingest charcoal. not the greatest thing in the world. my junior year of highschool i was asked to leave until i was deemed no longer a threat to myself or those around me. i was asked to be seen by the mental institution near my house. i had a great counselor whom i had an AMAZING relationship with and felt comfortable enough with to discuss anything. she helped me through a whole hell of a lot during highschool. she helped me with issues with my parents, friends, and those at my school that made my highschool years a complete and udder living hell.
where am i going with all this? give me a little bit. bear with me. i will get to it eventually...
well, lets skip the hellish highschool years and my first marriage...lets get to the here and now.
my husband and i have our fair share of MAJOR issues. my one main issue that i need to get over is that he is NOT my exhusband. he is NOT going to cheat on me or abuse me. He would lay down his life if need be. I am NOT going to cheat on him. I am NOT going to leave him during the deployment. but it is still something that is going to take a while to get over. yes i filed for divorce almost a year ago. but it will take time for my wounds to heal.
I have had a rough childhood and i need to get over it. the guy that raped me is not going to come after me. i know that, but i still have nightmares about it. I have nightmares about the 3 miscarriages that i have had. I have nightmares of all the abuse that i endured during my upbringing.
but anyhow, tonight i had a MAJOR episode of my bipolar. here i sit almost in tears trying not to let my husband know that something is majorly wrong with me. i know i need to get into counseling, but i am putting it off. I dont want to admit that i need help. i dont want to admit that i need medication to help me balance my mood swings.
anyhow, thank you for reading if you have made it this far. basically i needed to get it out. and thanks for bearing with me.
