His Lil Squirt's blog: "being in heaven living in hell"

Why no matter how good life can be can you be so sad?How everything every little thing makes you depressed or sad? Thats me to a T I can't help it like right now I am so sad I just can't take it no more. And yes I do have reason to be like this not having my own home not having my kids here. But also other things have made me sad today just certain things that were said that just rubbed me the wrong way. Things I know better than to let bug me but for some reason I can't stop them from bugging me.

Well things living in hell are getting no better here at all.Today I woke up and had a little note left for me that said"Betty, can you please do some cleaning around here, you two use things and areas around here too- I'm tired of doing everything or making the kids AND NO MORE SMOKING IN THE HOUSE IT STINKS BATHROOM-top to bottom Trash-kitchen, bathroom Kitchen-counters and stove dishes, Ice trays, sink and sweep floor Well let me explain something I clean up after me and adam we cook our own food and when I am done before I even sit down to eat I clean up my mess and I always clean the bathroom after we are done bathing. So this really pisses me off I dont dirty the dishes or anything else. I know Tab the bitch was behind this yet again she is starting shit. I dont know what the hell we are gonna do but I know tonight shit is gonna hit the fan when we have the the meeting tonight. I will write what happens later

I don't know how much more I can take living in this damn house. I have to fight for the phone all the time just so I can call my kids and its not like I am on the phone for fucking hours... OH hell no I am only on the phone for maybe 15 mins thats all the time my kids get from me everyday. Because I can't talk any longer than that because she is constanlty saying I need the phone or are you done yet? I hate it and she walks around this house like she fucking owns it. No one knocks on our door they just walk in half the time I am dressing and someone is always walking in. I clean this room daily and sometimes more than once a day. They leave their fucking trash and cups down here dont know how to clean up after them selfs at all. And then to come down here and look at me and say where is my glass Well dont leave your damn stirofoom cups down her and I wont throw them away.I swear it is taking everything in me to not blow the fuck up/ I didnt even eat tonight because the sink and counters were full of dishes and no one will do them. We dont eat here much we eat at his mom's and when we do we buy our own and fix it and clean up our mess but oh hell no... no one else can. So I didnt eat because I couldnt even use the kitchen. And I refuse to clean up after that damn pig when she is here shitb hits the fan she is always acting like its her house and shit I left the oven on and she came down here and was like"who left the oven on?"I said I did but Adam had already turned it off so it wasnt even on when she asked or anything and it had only been on for maybe 10 extra mins.I can't take it no more here not at all. I am a fucking wreck. This is what is causing most of my emotional problems. I cant take it the talking behind my back and shit like that.Why are poeple like that why do poeple have to be mean. I am a vbery nice sweet natured person and would go out of my way to be nice to someone no matter what. And then people treat me like this. I am so sick of it. I refuse to stay here tomorrow I will walk anywhere and come back when Adam is home. But I will not stay here any more. I wish I knew if Adam understood where I was coming from on this. I cant take sitting in this house in this room really I dont go in the rest of the house at all. I sit in this damn room all day with no privacy nothing.I cant live here no more this is making me fucking insane and I mean insane I am gonna lose it and its not gonna be pretty. I put up with so much crap in this house he has no clue what its like for me. I have no friends to go hang with or anything I sit here all day by myself, with a dog and a cat for company and of course people sitting in here on this computer and our tv all day. I cant even be sick in fucking peace. Or even take a shower for petes sakes.I was shaving one day and she walked in and didnt knock or anything and here I was in the tub naked and has all my stuff showing cause I was shaving and she seen it all.I cant take it no more I dont know how many times I am gonna say iot but I sure as hell mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I feel that he doesn't want to be seen in public with me. Am I really that ugly, or am I just being paraniod? He talked about how he couldnt wait for everyone to meet me and I have only met 2 of his friend since I have been here. He talked about the girls at the store meeting me and shit but yet none of them girls have met me or even seen me with him now that I think about it. Whenever he goes there I stay at home if I am with him we go to another store like Evans we dont go to Enmart unless I sit in the truck. He also talked about marrying me and now all of a sudden he doesnt believe in marriage.I mean I know he never thought about marriage before but he said to me I made him think about marriage a marriage to me. I dont know why this is happening or even why I am even writing about it so all can read I mean shit this makes me look like a hella big ass fool. Falling for lines I know that is what I did. I do love him and I have no question that he doesn love me I just dont know why he said some of that shit to me I would have been with him without all those lines. I just dont know why he is doing all this going back on all that he said.I mean I can understand if he just didnt feel that way to me but it hurts knowing that he would say any of that in the first place and not mean it at all. Its like being lied to in a way. And that brings in a trust issue. I hav ebig issues with trust anyway because of past relationships. I do trust him but yet he said so many things that he didnt mean and I dont know why? SO why would this happen to me?

Ohhh.. Oh Oh.. I don't wanna go another day So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind Seems as like everybody is breaking up and throwing their love away But I know I got a good thing right here That's why I say Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u I don't wanna go another day So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind See the way we ride, in our private lives Ain't nobody gettin' in between I want you to know that, your the only one for me Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u And now, ain't nothing else I can need And now, I'm singing.. 'cause your so, so into me I got you, we'll be making love endlessly I'm with you, baby you're with me So don't cha worry about people hanging around they ain't bring us down I know you, and you know me and that's all that counts So don't cha worry about people hanging around they ain't bring us down I know you, and you know me and that's why, that's why I say Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u my baby Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

Have you ever just felt ugly and not just once in awhile I mean all the time. You take pics and none look right you look like a fat ugly person who shouldnt even be alowed out in public. Well thats the way I feel 24/7. I hate looking in the mirror and having my pic taking thats why I dont have many face pics because I hate my face.It took Krissie weeks to get me to take a pic with her and if I had my way I would have deleted it, Yes I did upload it but I hate every pic I have up and poeple can say well if you didnt like it you wouldnt upload it for all to see. Well let me tell you I hate every pic I have up that shows my face but they are all I have so yes I out them up so poeple can see what I really look like. I am very hard on myself but in this world today looks mean everything. No matter what I will always look like this and I dont have to like the way I look , I have been this way my whole life no matter what poeple say I will always think this I hate myself.I wish 1 day I would look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman looking back at me but it hasnt happened in 33 yrs why would it happen now.I have some New Years Resolutions and I will do this I will quit smoking and lose 40lbs. But doing those will not make me pretty but maybe I will feel better about myself. Maybe I wont be ashamed to be seen in a swimsuit. Maybe I wont hide under a big tshirt when swimming. Maybe doing this will help my self esteem.Give me some where I defeintly need it.Because I do lack self esteem. I have always hated myself always I have never been able to think I was any good at anything, looks or anything. I know that no matter what I am irreplaceable. I can be replaced by someone younger and slimmer and prettier no matter what someone tells me I know I am. Someone younger with a nice body who is pretty.I am really down after looking at those new pics which I deleted 2 after I put them up 2 had to go and I dont know how long the other will be up but prolly not long I just hate em all of em all of me

Well here it is Christmas Day and I thought I was gonna handle everything pretty well. The first part of the day went pretty well, then everything emotionally went down hill. I have been crying like a fool all day because I miss my kids so bad. You know you say to yourself you can handle the seperation because its only temperally gonna be a short time. But then it comes around and you fall to pieces. I don't know if anyone really understands how hard this is on me. All I ever had in my life to be happy about were my kids. They were always there no matter what. And not having them always there is killing me. I am though grateful that me and Adam have had this time alone time to really truelly bond with one another. But I still miss my kids and doing the holidays without them has been very hard.And I know that every other holiday they won't be here they will be with their dad and maybe not having them this year will help me in the future, but damn this still hurts so bad. It all just hit me at one time I realized that here it was Christmas and my kids weren't here with me. To share in this hoilday with my kids is a specail time for me. I never had much money and I would do my best with what little I had to give them a good Christmas. To watch the sparkle in their eye when they opened that one gift they really wanted and see that they got it to feel the happiness and joy I have been able to give them is what I love about Christmas and not having that this year is killing me. I know that it wont be much longer and they will be here with me and Yes I will have a small but good and yes delayed Christmas and I look forward to that with everyday that brings them closer to me.

Well I made it through Thanksgiving without my kids and it was so hard on me, not being able to share that day with my kids. And now Christmas is here and I have to get through that day too. I know that it is going to be a sad time for me right now not only because of my kids but also this time of the year has meant lose for me too I lost my dad on Dec.17th 1994 and then on Dec.21st 2004 I lost my older brother Jimmy. And CHristmas time is about family and right now I have no family here with me.I have Adam and thats just about it but this is also a hard time of the year for him. So I let him deal with that. While I find a way to deal with mine, and anyone who knows me knows I don't deal with things well at all. To be held and told everything is going to be ok is what I really need right now.But I don't know if that will happen when I need it the most.Which is right now. I am so emotional about this situation. Even though I know they will be here within the next few months it still doesn't help me right now.

You know sometimes insecurities get in the way of having a healthy relationships.To deal with these daily is not a good thing. Living in fear of losing what means the most to you is no way to live.Why can't you just be thankful for what you have instead of living in fear of losing it.Now I can write this and say it to myself but why can't I do it. Why do I let these fears and insecurities ruin my days. I have gotten a lot better with dealing with these but somedays they are harder to fight to deal with. And I hate it.To be secure in life and love is what my goal is. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for what I have I just don't take it for granted I thank the Lord everday for what I have.I am just so scared that one day I will wake up and it will all be gone.So WHY is it like this for me is there other people out there who deal with this?

I don't know how much more I can take of not having my own house to live in. I hate having to wait for the damn phone just so I can talk to my kids nightly. Everyone knows I call them everynight, and the funny thig is the one I have to fight the phone over has her own damn cell phone she can use to talk I dont have that nor or the kids even near here. I dont talk to people that live not even 20 mins away. The phone is the only link I have to them I dont have anything else. Not even the hope of seeing them soon I have months before I will even get to see my kids again.Things are building here inside of me and I am not going to be able to hold it in very much longer. And that is a side of me I dont want Adam ever to see.Its a side no one should ever see. I can be very mean and thats not me at all. I am very close to losing my temper and when it happens its lible to get everyone around me even the ones I love and care for and I dont want that to happen.I have no control over my mouth when I lose my temper and I yell at anyone who looks at me.I just have so much stress right now and I dont know how much more I can take really.GRRRRR I could justv fucking scream right now and take someone fucking face off with my bare hands.