It’s a Guy Thing

(Or is it the Perils of Having a Penis?)

I am in one of my “Andy Rooney” type of moods here and I thought I would share with you some of my thoughts and perhaps maybe even give you a good chuckle at the same time even if it may be at my expense, I have no problem with that, through the years not only do I poke fun at other people and things, I have also learned to be able to poke fun at myself as well.

A word of caution is in order here; some of what you are about to read may be a little graphic and could be termed "chauvinistic" as well. Please do NOT take offense at what you may read, it is not intended as an insult. These are mostly just observations that I have made. And to those women out there who have survived abusive relationships or have been sexually abused, rest assured that my heart truly goes out to you for having to survive those ordeals.

Anyhow, as you all know, we have "The Vagina Monologues" but what about "The Dick Dialogues"? Well I think this is where I come in and maybe shed some light on some stuff. I had originally posted this last year and gotten quite a few comments about it. I have decided to revise it a little bit and instead of breaking it up into installments, I have combined the whole thing this time around so you might as well grab a cup of coffee and sit down and do some reading.

One of my readers had posed a question one time asking "Why are men so damn confusing?" to which I replied; "Because we are born with a penis and testicles." Her response was truly priceless; "Neal you are truly an honest character, you speak your mind and don't look to blow smoke." Anyhow this is the way I operate, I do my best to cut through the BS and call it like I see it, I am not one to blow smoke up peoples asses or up women's skirts (I would rather be looking up them instead LOL). So what you get with me is the old saying "What You See Is What You Get" nothing more and nothing less. All genuine ramblings from this crazy bastard who looks at the world with a slightly warped lens.

I had been sitting here thinking about what to put up for my next blog and I got to thinking about a phone conversation that I had with a lady friend of mine in another part of the country some time ago along with some other conversations that I have had with a few other women as well about a host of different issues.

We got to talking about different things and in my humorous way I had given each of these dear ladies a man’s point of view (namely mine because the last time that I checked all the male equipment was still there so I would hazard a guess and say that I am still a man) about a few things and at the same time validating some of their thoughts, feelings and concerns as well such as;

1. “I am sure that there are times when women (generally the heterosexual ones) think where men are concerned that if it was not for the fact we have something between our legs and that we can open jars and move furniture there would be a bounty on our asses”
2. “I am also sure that there are many women out there who think that us men are only interested in one thing and that is getting into their pants…”
3. “While that is a normal desire on the part of most men, speaking for myself I desire more than just giving ‘Mr. Happy’ a workout”

Well anyhow as a man I must state unequivocally that in many ways we are also at a very distinct disadvantage and totally defenseless in some areas;

1. Women can generally seduce us men a hell of a lot easier than us men can seduce women, which is just the way it is and needless to stay we are stuck with it.
   1. Think about this: The little boy who says to the little girl as he is pointing to his privates and says “I have one of these, what have you got?” to which the little girl replies as she points to her privates “With one of these I can get as many of those as I want” Talk about a comeback to something that can stop us cold.
2. If we try to seduce a woman and if she is not interested, we may very well get our faces slapped or worse.
3. If a woman tries to seduce us we generally have one of two options;
   1. If we are interested, we tend to let “the little head” do our thinking for us, to coin a phrase “A stiff prick has no conscience”
   2. If we are not interested, not only is giving the woman a slap (something that I do not approve of anyhow) out of the question, it is unacceptable, it also against the law and will more than likely land you in jail. Secondly if we refuse a woman’s advances, we may possibly get ridiculed about our masculinity.
4. Women can fire off some very good comebacks, this is my favorite;
   • Man: “If I ever saw you naked I would die a happy man”
   • Woman “If I ever saw you naked I would die laughing”
5. Women if need be can turn on “the waterworks” to get us to do their bidding. If we do it we are being wimps or manipulative.

On the bedroom front;

1. We cannot fake physical arousal, it is either erect or it is not. There is no grey area on this matter. There are times when we may only get semi-rigid and this is just as frustrating for us as it is for the woman, especially when it is a kind of woman that “we are just dying to throw her our best hump”
   It is also kind of hard to hide arousal as well when we have that moment when we are so damn hard we could crack walnuts with the damn thing.
2. We cannot fake an orgasm; “the proof is in the pudding” so to speak. Not only that when we are in the midst of getting a nut we turn in to Goofy as our bodies are telling our minds “Who cares if I look stupid?”
3. When we have an orgasm, we can only have them one at a time, we are NOT multi-orgasmic. We need to recover for a while if we want to go at it again

Outside of the bedroom;

1. We have all had those moments when the damn thing takes on a life all its own and it comes alive at the worst possible moment, I know those are the times when I wish I could just take it off and put it away until I need to use it. Or you feel the urge for no obvious reason and it is just driving you nuts
2. Let’s face it, we are easily victims of our own masculinity, the good old testosterone kicks in and takes over and our dicks start doing our thinking for us and we get led around by our dicks and the women know this and use it to their advantage (they are no fools). Hell they might even grab hold of it and then they definitely have our attention and they have us under their control whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are willing to admit it or not.
3. You wake up in the morning and you find that your little buddy has been awake for five minutes before you and the woman that you share your bed with looks at it and asks “What are you thinking of honey?”, Hell we don’t have a damn clue, we just woke up, luckily a quick piss usually takes care of that and things are back to normal. Too bad that is the only time some of us can experience a “blue steel” hard on.

Age plays a role in our overall physical functions and “Mr. Happy” is not exempt from the conditions of age.

1. Coming out of puberty and into young adult hood we hit our sexual peak in our late teens to early twenties, a stiff breeze and our dicks are hard, it doesn’t take much at this age. Even when our asses are dragging we can get it up in a heartbeat and many times we can do it frequently too. The downside is that we usually get off a whole lot quicker, at this age we usually are lacking in “dick control”, we are generally so damn excited that many times we can’t actually believe that we just scored ourselves such a fine piece of ass. At this age there are many of us who are humbled to learn that we are nothing more than “One Pump Chumps” no sooner do get it in and then it’s all over.
2. Mid twenties to mid forties, we have matured, while we are past our initial peak, much of our libido is still intact and with experience we generally tend to have more control and staying power and can last longer. Sometimes it takes a little more stimulation to get us ready but we generally don’t mind that if the foreplay is awesome.
3. Mid forties on up, our libido starts decreasing more and more as the years pass us by and it takes more work to get us ready to perform though there have been some exceptions. Normally at this juncture in life while we still enjoy getting our “dicks wet”, it is not an obsession with us like when we were younger.
4. Let us not also forget the various dysfunctions that we all may have suffered at one time;
   1. E.D. which is short for Erectile Dysfunction, a politically correct description for impotence or as it is also commonly referred to as “can’t get it up” Sometimes it is just temporary and in some cases it is a long term or permanent condition. There are many causes for this, stress, health, age, medication etc… Luckily nowadays there are various medications on the market that can address this issue in some cases. This is probably the biggest fear of most men as we feel as if our very identity as a man is at risk.
   2. Premature Ejaculation also known as being a “One Pump Chump”
   3. Ejaculatory Inhibition or the inability to “get off” these are all frightening things for a man and it strikes at the very core of our manhood
       

Now on the subject of “Girl Watching”

Let’s face it. Any human being that has been born with a penis and testicles and has functioning eyesight is going to look at any human that was born with a vagina and breasts. It is all part of our natural human instinct. It really comes into play if the female in question has some source of attraction that catches the attention of the male species.

Let me share a personal example:

Christmas 2004, while I was living in North Carolina, I was at a lady friend’s home for Christmas dinner, and mind you that her and I share a strictly platonic relationship even though we kid each other quite a bit, anyhow she was crouching down to get something out of one the cabinets under the sink and I just happen to catch a glance of her thong panties that she was wearing that day. As much as I was trying to be a gentleman and NOT look, she no sooner busted me when she says “Now Neal don’t be looking at my thong” needless to say I glanced again and I am sure I was turning beet red as well given that I was busted. But let’s face it, telling me not to look is like telling me not to breath or to stop my heart from beating, even worse, imagine this, set a plate of very fresh chocolate chip cookies if front of a small child and then tell that child not to eat any of them and then you walk away. Ask yourself this, what is that child going to do? Anyhow, if we are looking it is because what we see is a pleasant sight to see, we are admiring beauty for what it is, so ladies next time, do not take offense we are just admiring what you have been blessed with. Also ladies, I know that you are also guilty of looking too so what makes you any better than us?

Double Standards:

Next, there are the double standards that come into play which can shed both of the sexes in an unfair light in some cases;
In my opinion I really don’t think that judge anyone on this, as we are all human and have all been born with the key flaw that makes us human beings, and that is SIN!!

1. On looking at the opposite sex in a certain manner;
   1. If we men are spotted looking just a little too long at a woman, especially at her “special charms” (ie: breasts or buttocks), we may be called pigs, perverts, lecherous SOB’s, horndogs, or at times even worse than that as well but I will not repeat those. Let’s face it, we have eyes and we are going to look, it is only natural, telling us not to look it like telling us not to breath or to stop our heart from beating. It is a huge challenge.
   2. On the other hand, if a woman is spotted looking at a man in such a way it is considered humorous. I remember a lady friend of mine whistling at a bunch of sailors and it was quite acceptable and funny.
2. Reputations:
   1. Men:
      • Now if a man has a “reputation” with the ladies, this may be considered a “good thing” in many circles. He is often referred to as a “ladies man”, a “stud”, a “manly man”, a “lady killer” One of the negative aspects of this however is that he may also be considered “a whoremonger” or “a horndog” among many other terms.
      • Conversely, if the man for whatever reason is not “that good” with the ladies, he may often become the subject of ridicule. His masculinity may be questioned, his sexuality may come into question or perhaps his past experiences may be the talk of the town and becomes fodder for much gossip. Many a time though, this type of man has high moral standards and he won’t budge from them, or it could be that he is shy for whatever reason, perhaps he had a very bad experience with a woman that he was in a relationship with and now has the attitude that “all women are evil” (I had this attitude for quite a while). Doesn’t anyone ever think that the man in this scenario is really trying to be a decent man?
   2. Women:
      • If a woman has a “reputation”, she may the object of ridicule and scorn, called all sorts of names like: “slut”, “whore” and other names may come to mind. She may also be the subject of much unwanted attention from some less than savory men. Many times in reality this woman is just someone who just has a healthy appetite for sex and her sexuality and in reality is someone who despite the fact that she has had many relationships and for whatever reason they were unsuccessful. Yet we are often judgmental of this woman for all the wrong reasons. Or we men may assume that she is an “easy piece of ass”. Oftentimes the reason behind her behavior is that she was the victim of sexual abuse in her formative years and needless to say she became sexualized at an early age and subsequently does not know any better.
      • Conversely, if the woman who does not have a “reputation”, she is often highly admired and respected. She is considered to be pure and to be in possession of high moral values. Or she may have been victimized at one time in her life and now struggles with intimacy and the related issues that come with it. In other circles, she may also become the subject of ridicule, for example; “she’s a lesbian”, “she’s frigid”, “she can’t keep a man” and the list goes on ad nauseam.
   3. Roles within the relationship;
      1. For the man;
         1. He is expected to be a good provider and protector and this is a valid expectation.
         2. In many cultures and societies he is the head of the house.
         3. The upside to the above two statements is that the family as a general rule benefits greatly from his role as long as he does not abuse his role, sadly there are those who do and it sheds all men in a very poor light.
         4. Conversely there is also the situation where the man has for many years done a superb job in providing for his family and in treating his family members with much kindness and sadly the other family members look upon this man as being both a “sugar daddy” and they also mistake his kindness for weakness and they begin to take him for granted and give him nowhere near the amount of respect that he is entitled to be given based upon his role within the family unit and the responsibilities that he feels he must bear. Subsequently when the stress of this situation gets to be too much to bear for the man he may react in many ways;
            1. He may suddenly just get up and leave, perhaps never to return. (I left on a few occasions because I became so angry that I was afraid of what I might do or say, yet I would return time after time until finally I was pushed out for good)
            2. He may snap, perhaps even to the point of violent behavior even where there has never been a history of violent behavior in the past. (I too have been guilty of this, though to my credit I never beat my ex-wife or the kids, I just got nasty verbally and I broke a few material objects; dishes and the like, this is something that I am not too proud of)
            3. He may withdraw emotionally and financially when he believes that the only reason and purpose that he is accepted there is to be the jackass to pay the bills and when he finally puts his foot down is often perceived as that he has gone from being all that is good and right in this world to being the most evil and abusive thing that has ever been unleashed upon the face of humanity. (I got to this point out of sheer frustration because I felt that I was being used and many friends who had observed the situation firsthand reassured me that I was in fact being used)
            4. In this situation all that he wants to do is to regain his sense of self-respect and dignity. He greatly wants to see his manhood restored. He wants to restore order to his home but yet he is perceived as being a power mad ogre. (Here too I was trying to work things through and yet I was made out to be a monster and it was done so well that even I believed that I was a monster and I hated myself for the longest time. Luckily a couple of very dear friends of mine of the female persuasion helped me to realize that I was in fact not such a monster after all and for that I am so eternally grateful to those ladies)
         5. There are also those occasions that for whatever reason the man remains in the home as a “stay at home father” and takes on the role of “Mr. Mom” I have got to give those guys credit, my domestic skills only go so far as there are some things that I am just plain lousy and lazy (yes I said lazy) at doing.
            • Sometimes this is done not so much out of choice as it is out of necessity due to health issues or a disability, differences in education levels, the availability of suitable employment for the man with the skill sets that he has.
            • In some cases the man may be better suited for the domestic stuff than the woman is. That is just the way it happens sometimes.
            • Yet these are the guys who are sometimes the object of ridicule and gossip.
              
               
      2. For the woman:
         1. She too bears many burdens and responsibilities;
            1. She is the one who bears the children if she so desires to have children.
            2. Let’s face it, childbirth is probably the most joyous and painful event that a woman will experience at the same time. Think about it, she is passing an object which in this case is a newborn child that is perhaps 1,000 times larger than the orifice the child is expected to go through.
            3. Add to that the labor and the associated pains that go with it prior to the actual birth of the child and if it is an especially long labor it can be very exhausting.
            4. Last but not least, there is the nine months of pregnancy that she must go through before the child comes into this world. Consider all the changes that her body must go through during those nine months, the changes in hormones, the mood swings, the weight gained and then add to that the risks associated if it is a high risk pregnancy or if there are complications which in some cases can be fatal for the mother and/or the child.
            5. Generally she is the one who is expected to provide the bulk of the nurturing to the children.
               
                
         2. Add to that if she so chooses not to be a stay at home mom and decides to pursue a career she;
            1. Is either highly admired or looked down upon by others for the choices that she made.
            2. She has to juggle the demands of home and her career. I truly admire and respect the women who manage that. Most of the time they do it out of necessity, either two incomes are needed to survive or to get ahead or the woman in question is a single mom or for whatever reason the husband does not work outside of the home.

Does “size” really matter?

Why do we men and yes even the women do it too, obsess over the size of certain “body parts”?

I got thinking about this question really hard after getting probably the one millionth piece of spam about on how to “Increase Your Penis Size NOW” normally I just laugh when I get this junk and bounce it right back to the sender without giving it a second thought, but this time I started thinking “Damn this shit is beginning to get really old” and what’s funny too is if I don’t get one of those, I end up with getting one about increasing breast size (last time I checked I did not have any tits, so I guess that leaves me out)

It is really odd how we feel about the size of our penises or our breasts, almost like if we are not a certain size then we don’t measure up to some certain invisible guideline or something. We feel some sort of self-consciousness about ourselves and our definitions as men and women.

When I had originally posted this portion I had gotten some rather interesting responses to it and this one lady really hit it right on the head:

• "It is not the size of the pen but how well you sign your name"
• This same lady also made this comment as well "The occasional three pound steak is nice, but not something that I want to have everyday"
• Another lady who is a porn actress made this comment: "A big dick without skill can be considered a very dangerous weapon"

Thinking about this topic though, while I am primarily a leg and ass man myself, if I see a gal with a nice rack, I have all that I can do just to keep my eyes in my head. Why the hell is that? Could be some conditioned response, kind of like "Pavlov's dogs" I guess.

Years ago there was woman that I was dating for a while and the first weekend that we had a chance to get away together (this was also the first time that we were to get intimate as well) and we were in a cabin way up in the North Woods of New Hampshire (on the Canadian border) and we were settling in and she summons up the courage to ask me about "my size" and not knowing how to answer that, I proceeded to "whip it out" and said "You be the judge." and in the back of my head I was feeling a little self conscious about whether or not I was going to "measure up".

She lets out a sigh of relief and commented that she had visions of me being hung like a damn horse and was afraid that she would get split in two or some damn thing like that. She "checks me out" and states "just right, not too big and not too small"

Anyhow, I busted out laughing over this one.

Getting back to the original question at hand, does size really matter? Who the hell cares, I am at the point where I just accept what I have and go from there.
 

In Closing:

In my humble opinion I think that I have only begun to scratch the surface where all of this is concerned. Hopefully in further installments I will be able to share more of my observations.

During the course of composing this entry my original intended goal was to share a light-hearted and humorous look at the interpersonal dynamics of male and female interactions and relationships from my own perspective as a man, somewhere along the line it has also taken a somewhat serious tone at times which I certainly did not expect it to take and so now I am just rolling with the flow and going wherever the spirit of this leads me and also to get a little bit “religious” here, there is a “Power Greater than Myself” that is coming into play here and I am not about to ignore that because when I do it comes back to bite me in the backside when I least expect it.

Anyhow, I think I have rambled enough for right now and I will put this out there for all of you to see and to give me your feedback.

There will be more to come on this and other topics so keep my blog bookmarked for your viewing pleasure.

Remember too that what I post here is intended to be light-hearted, humorous, insightful and at times thought provoking.

Let the comments begin!!!!