Zaphara Cirin Vendt's blog: "What To Do."

I haven't written a note in such a long time that engulfs my feelings over the past few years as I traveled a tired and winding road with obstacles so great within the path, that, it has been extremely difficult to decipher from what is the truth. My road to peace, happiness and most of all acceptance for myself, has been a horrifying and confusing experience for me. Perhaps, I am my own saboteur and wear my heart on my sleeve at the wrong possible times or it is within my very nature to pour myself into everything I have set for the future. I tend to have a soft spot to take care of others when I know they are in pain and a lot of the time I involve myself so deeply that their pain consumes me and it becomes my own.

I've laughed, I've yelled and I've cried. And I constantly question the actions of others whilst knowing that there isn't any real or truthful answer that would ever satisfy that need of closure. I've simply convinced myself that such a closure exists, but deep down I know it never will.

I'm a fighter. That is what some call me. Although, I do not feel that I have fought my hardest for everything I wanted, but I fought when it mattered the most.

I'm a warrior. That is what some call me. Although, I do not feel that I've been this warrior within. Constantly questioning if I did my best and if I actually did the right thing for those involved. I'm a warrior when it is time to put on my armor and stand before those who intimidate and manipulate me.

It isn't in my nature to forgive, it is in my upbringing that I do. I've learned not to hold grudges, be kind and caring towards individuals. But, this past three years, it has been very difficult for me to be that kind and caring. But, I cannot forgive those who have defamed my character as a mother, lied about not only me but my family as well. People have passed judgment without knowing anything about me.

I am a mother. One that I am extremely proud to be. I love my son with every fiber of my being. His pain becomes mine and at many times its so overwhelming. He is my life and I do everything for him. It is so hard for me to sit down and come up with words to describe the love that I have for my child. And there isn't any descriptive word in the dictionary that describes this feeling. No number amount to measure it or letter grade to give it.

Once upon a time, I had a lot of friends. Friendships that were so strong and loyal I never imagined in a million years that someone could take that all away from me, but it happened. And you cannot imagine the amount of pain that I feel for that loss or the amount of pain I feel that I just wasn't worthy enough to be loyal to. There has been so much hurt through this journey that I can't even state what hurt the most. I have been an enemy to so many people and I just cannot wrap my head around it. And I cannot understand why I am or how it happened. I do not understand how someone of my caring and loving nature could go from best friends to worst enemies. I never wanted to say goodbye to any of you, but it seems, now, that I wasn't given a choice. And I really hope that some day our paths will cross again and we can pick up the friendship we had before it was lost.

I still love each and every one of you and that will never change, but, I cannot forgive the choices you decided to make. You forced me out of your lives until I just decided to walk away. My heart is shattered, my core is broken and I wish I could forgive. I have been hurt so much these past few years that I will not live in this pain. And while you were getting the two-sided story, from one person, who left me in a spiraling world of pain, you enabled his behavior. You accepted his behavior and justified it with your own personal reasons. You never sought out my side of the story, you ignored my messages where I cried out in pain. You simply just left me. Left me to pick up my broken pieces and mend them by myself. I may have strength, but, all warriors, fighters and especially mothers do sometimes need to lean on someones shoulder, borrow an ear and rely on the strength of others, because the pain is so unbearable, you sometimes lose your inner being and real friends not only light the way, they stand beside you making sure you do not fall. Real friends are all the king's horses and all the king's men, to put yourself back together again...