I took a step today... and it got me thinking... and I may just be on to something... I may be on the path to finding myself again...
Today I signed up for a dance class. It was a class I have been thinking about taking for the last 2 or 3 years. I'm not sure why I never signed up for it. I think it was anxiety and fear... the very things that have been holding me back from doing anything that I enjoy the last few years. As I was thinking about this class, feeling the excitement looking forward to it... I started to think about how much I loved to dance when I was younger. I always wanted to be a dancer. I took a couple of dance classes when my father could afford it. But I'm not sure at what point I gave up on it. (I did try out for dance team in high school, however I was cut in the last round because the routine I choreographed was considered "too sexy." lol)
Then that led me to think about the fact that I had other loves when I was younger that got lost along the way. I loved to sing and I was quite good at it. I was great at drawing from a very young age. I also wrote short stories and poetry as a child that rivaled the work of adults. But at some point something happened, at some point I seemed to give up on me. I still have some of the poetry I wrote and possibly a short story or two but most of my best artwork is gone. I'm not sure what happened, why I stopped doing the things I loved or why I allowed the products of my talents to be lost, but I can be very sure that it's the very reason I have been so unhappy with myself.
Just thinking about this dance class, I feel this fire inside of me, the real me emerging again... I feel inspired to start doing all the things that I love again. I'm not even sure what caused this breakthrough... When I saw the posting for the class today, I just jumped on it without even thinking. Normally (as I have not been feeling well physically for the last couple years) it would take me weeks just to place a phone call, even for something simple, even if it was important. I just couldn't seem to force myself to function. My brain was a fog, I could never focus or think straight and I was always so exhausted it felt as if I was dying. A little over a month ago I started treatment for a condition (which I don't want to get into right now). I'm starting to believe that that treatment is working. I am still very tired much of the time (but nowhere near the kind of tired I was before), but I can think more clearly, I am beginning to remember things that I couldn't remember before, I am functioning at a much higher level physically... going to the gym, keeping the house clean, etc. It may be because of this that I was able to finally take a leap and just do something for myself, something that I could enjoy and would make me happy.
Whatever it was, I'm so glad I did it. I can't wait for the world to see the real me again. :D
Yesterday I made a bargain with a friend that if I did not go to the gym this morning, I would write a blog... so here it is, Pete. (I hate you :P )
So I've been sitting here staring at this blank blog for what seems like hours. I have so much running through my mind that it feels impossible to separate one thought from another in order to get it out of my head and onto the page. It is extremely frustrating because this isn't like me at all. I've always been a good writer, I've always been very good at conveying exactly what I am thinking and feeling. I haven't even been able to write any new poetry lately, and that was always such a good way for me to express myself and to vent. It feels like I have come to a screeching halt at a point in my life where I'm at the bottom and all I want is to start moving in a positive direction. I tell myself that it's because I'm so physically and emtionally exhausted, but deep down I wonder if I am just lazy... too lazy to do what it takes to make things better for myself and for my children. Most days I paste a smile on my face, I pretend like I'm happy and strong and handling things well, but then sometimes it all comes crashing down. I will feel worthless and hopeless. I will become despondent and withdraw into myself. Everyone will try to cheer me up and make me feel better, but nothing really helps. It usually just has to run its course. But I want more than anything to break out of this cycle. I don't want to be at the bottom anymore, I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to work my way back up to the top. I want to be truly happy again. It's how to get there that is the huge question hanging over my head. It seems so complicated and difficult and to be truly honest it scares the crap out of me. I know I need to stop letting my anxiety hold me back from taking the first step. I feel like a need something to push me over that edge, to get me moving, but I don't really know what it is going to take. I think in a way I'm comfortable here, knowing that I can't fall much further... but if I start moving in a positive direction and becoming happy again there is always the chance that I could lose it all again. I think that's what really scares me... going through that again... losing so much and going through so much pain. Somehow I need to stop letting the fear of that hold me back...