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A lil shorty

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "When will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic, but for one oversight on your part," she replied. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you." "Now let's see............where did I put that useless boob?" Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?
This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most important questions in the world: Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under." Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Things Stressed Women Say At Work... 1. Okay! Okay! I take it back. Unf_ _k you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine? 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. 9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control? 11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 13. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. 16. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too. 18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. 19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done. 22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 23. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 24. Earth is full. Go home. 25. Aww, did I step on your little itty bitty ego? 26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 28. You are depriving some village of an idiot . 29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. 30. Look in my eyes... do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ==================================================================================================2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ==================================================================================================3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ==================================================================================================4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ==================================================================================================5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. ==================================================================================================6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! ==================================================================================================7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. ==================================================================================================8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. ==================================================================================================9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. ==================================================================================================10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like . Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like . Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like .. Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ------------------------------------------------- WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real gode

If you have boys....

If you have little boys you find out interesting things, like: 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quote of the Year 2006

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year" "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"

YES or NO game

YES or NO game... 1.You can only say Yes or No! 2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks! Have you ever... Danced in front of your mirror naked? yes Ever told a lie? yes Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes Kissed someone of the same sex? yes Kissed a picture? yes Slept in until 5 PM? yes Had sex at work? yes Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes Held a snake? yes Ran a red light? yes Been suspended from school? no Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? yes Been fired from a job? yes Sang karaoke? yes Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yes Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes Kissed in the rain? yes Sang in the shower? Yes Gave your private parts a nickname? yes Sat on a roof top? yes Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes Broken a bone? no Shaved your head? no!! Slept naked? yes Blacked out from drinking? yes Played a prank on someone? Yes Had a gym membership? yes Felt like killing someone? yes Made your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse cry? yes Cried over someone you were in love with? yes Had sex more than 4 times in one day? Yes Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? no Been in a band? yes Subscribed to Maxim? no Tripped on mushrooms? no Donated Blood? no Video taped yourself having sex? yes Eaten alligator meat? no Eaten cheesecake? Yes Still love someone you shouldn't? no Have a tattoo? yes
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