BoomGotaLotaLeg's blog: "MY QUEST HIS WILL"

TO ALL WHO READ THIS: I PRAY THAT WHY HE DOESN'T UNDER STAND ..WHY I NEED TO NOW SAY GOODBYE AND POINT HIS QUESTIONS TO SOME OTHER SOURCE FOR ANSWERS... BECAUSE I KNOW IN TIME AFTER HIS SEARCH FOR THE ANSWERS TO ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS IN THIS LIFE WILL AND CAN ONLY BE ANSWERED BY THE FIRST INTENDED SOURCE..JESUS CHRIST.. SO GREG IM SORRY YOU REFUSE TO HEAR ME EVERY TIME I'VE ANSWERED YOU... BUT EVERY ANSWER I'VE GIVEN YOU HAD NEVER CHANGED FROM THE FIRST TIME YOU ASKED THE SAME QUESTION TO THE HUNDREDTH TIME YOU TEXTED THE SAME QUESTION TO MY PHONE ...I DO AND ALLWAYS WILL LOVE YOU...YOU WANT TO BELIEVE IT WAS FOR ANOTHER MAN..WELL FINE..THAN UNDERSTAND THAT "MAN" IS JESUS CHRIST..HE COMES FIRST IN MY LIFE ..WHAT HE PUTS ON MY HEART I NEED..AND DESIRE MOST TO DO.. THAT IS STRONGER THAN PRIDE.. BECAUSE LOVE IS STRONGER THAN PRIDE.. SO I PRAY YOU FIND LOVE... NOT JUST ANY LOVE BUT HIS LOVE ,, CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS YOU WANT TO HEAR..ONLY THING I HAVE IS THE ANSWER YOU NEED TO HEAR. I'VE PRAYED THAT YOU WILL BE COMFORTED SOMEHOW... UNTIL YOU CAN FINALLY ALLOW YOURSELF TO UNDERSTAND...THAT IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS...I DONT WANT TO BE IGNORANT ANYLONGER...I TRULY APPOLOGIZE FOR THE YEARS I HELPED THE IGNORANCE STAY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP...AND THE IGNORANCE I PRACTICED IN THE FIRST MONTH THAT I KEPT HIM TO MYSELF AND COMPROMISED MY LOVE FOR HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN BY CONSTANTLY DENYING YOU NEEDED HIM TOO..SO AS THE VIDEO BELOW SHOWS...YES YOU WERE GREAT TO ME WHEN I WASNT THE GREATEST TO YOU..AND IN THE VIDEO BELOW THE FIRST ONE PLEASE HEAR WHAT TRUE LOVE IS ABOUT...BECAUSE I CAN'T LOSE MY FIRST TRUE LOVE..ONLY MY FAITH WEAKENED..FOR A TIME IN MY LIFE..BUT AS SURE AS THE DAY IS LONG WITHOUT HIM..HE KEPT NO RECORDS OF WRONGS..AND KEPT LOVING ME EVEN WHEN I DENIED HIS TRUTH TO OTHERS AND MYSELF! AND WHEN I CALLED ON HIM AND GAVE MYSELF TO HIM HE'S RESCUED ME FROM ALL THOSE SAME THINGS THAT YOU KNOW YOURSELF WERE KILLING US BOTH..I LOVE YOU.. AND I MAY HAVE NOT HAD THE PATIENCE WITH YOU THAT YOU NEEDED RIGHT NOW..BUT BELIEVE ME TO FEEL TORN BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND AND THE DESIRE TO SHARE THIS UNDERSTANDING OF HIS LOVE AND KNOWING IN YOUR HEART THAT THERE HAVE BEEN SOOOOO MANY PEOPLE THAT ARE MISGUIDED TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS RELIGION, BECAUSE HE IS DEFINITLY NOT!! GREG, I UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU SAID THUMP ME SLOWLY AND THAT YOU TRIED TO BE OKAY WITH THIS NEWLY STRENGTHENED FAITH..BUT UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT GOD BUT I KNOW HE HEARS ME WHEN I TALK TO HIM, AND WHEN I PRAY TO HIM BECAUSE AS I PRAYED FOR HIM TO PROVE THAT HE WAS HEARING ME AND TO TAKE MY HEAVY LADED HEART AND TO CREATE IN ME A CLEAN HEART,MIND AND SOUL HE DID, AND I KNOW THAT WHO I WAS WHEN YOU FIRST LOVED ME WAS ACTUALLY SOMEONE I EVEN FELT GUILTY FOR BEIN TO YOU BECAUSE IT CAUSED YOU SO MUCH HEARTACHE, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE WELL FROM ALL YOUR TEXTS TO ME IN TELLING ME THAT I OWE YOU AT LEAST AN ANSWER TO YOUR DESPAIR THAT I'VE CAUSED YOU.. BUT YOU DONT WANT THE ANSWER...THE ANSWER TRULY IS WHAT I AVE TOLD YOU TIME AND AGAIN..THAT I PROMISED GOD MY HEART,MIND,BODY AND SOUL IF HE COULD AGAIN JUST LIGHT THE FIRE OF THAT TORCH WITHIN ME THAT I HELD FOR HIM AS A CHILD..SOMETHING THAT ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE YET TO EXPIERIENCE IT.. ONCE YOU DO, THEN ONLY CAN YOU SEE THAT ITS NOT ABOUT ME FORCING SOME RELIGION ON YOU, OR FORCING YOU TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN MY HEART CALLS I FOLLOW... AND THIS TIME NOT AS BEFORE ITS DIFFERENT NOW..BECAUSE BEFORE I SEARCHED FOR THE ANSWER TO MY DEPRESSIONS FROM YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU WERE MORE THAN WILLING TO PRETEND YOU KNEW WHAT I NEEDED & ME KNOWING IF ONLY TO TELL YOU HOW I STARTED HATING MYSELF FOR LETTING EXACTLY THE FEAR OF WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUH NOW KEEP ME FROM TRULY EXCEPTING GODS PLAN FOR ME..BUT I KNOW THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVEN READ PAST OUR PRAYERS AND TRULY SEE THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS, SO MY DESIRE FOR YOU IS LOVE &TO BE HAPPY AND I KNOW SOME DAY YOU'LL FIND TRUE LOVE, BECAUSE HE'S NOT LET ME DOWN EVER! AS FAST FRIENDS WE BECAME..WE TOGETHER BEGAN A JOURNEY TO FIND TRUE LOVE...AND THERE ID NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT WE FOUND JUST THAT .. PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES, YOUR HEART TO KNOWING THIS LOVE ODESSY HAS NOT FAILED IN THE LEAST BIT, AND THAT YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF TRULY YOU WERE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP TO FIND TRUE LOVE THAT NEVER ENDS..CAUSE THATS EXACTLY WHAT WE HAVE FOUND...DON'T MISS IT..AGAIN. BUT IF YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT WHAT IM TRYIN TO SAY IS WHAT IS BRINGING SO MUCH HEARTACHE WELL THEN I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT ALTHOUGH YOU CAN'T SEE THAT "OUR CONTRACT" TO EACHOTHER HAS BEEN FULLY FULFILLED THEN I CANT KEEP YOU FROM READING WHAT WASN'T EVER BETWEEN THE LINES OF THIS LETTER TO YOU EITHER SO I AM GONNA DO WHAT IN FACT I AM DOING NOW IS GIVING WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT ALL TO GOD AND I KNOW HE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT...HIS OWN WAY..ALL I COULD DO WAS LET HIM USE ME AS A POSSIBLE AVENUE IF HE CHOOSES..SO IN THIS SONG BELOW MAYBE YOU'LL HEAR IT.. MAYBE YOU'LL SEE IT.. BUT MAYBE YOU WON'T..AND THATS OKAY TOO CAUSE I NEED NO CROWN OR REWARD OR EVEN PROOF OTHER THAN MY FAITH IN GOD THAT HE KNOWS MY HEARTS TRUE INTENTIONS AND I KNOW THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN A STUMBLING BLOCK TO YOU IN THE PAST OR A BURDEN BUT I REFUSE TO BE THAT ANYMORE. AND I KNOW I'LL SEE YOU IN HEAVEN BECAUSE ITS NEVER TOO LATE FOR HIM...I CHOOSE NOW..AND THAT'S ME.. BUT YOU ONLY KNOW YOU. REMEMBER YOU SAID THIS WAS YOUR SONG TO ME?? ADDED 11:11AM 12/23/08 WAS IT TRULY FITTING?...IN ALOT OF WAYS??..ARE YOU SURE? big whoo hoo what did you figure out?? that you could control me with your cock size?? YOU SAY YOU KNOW ME AND LOVE ME?? YET WHEN I TELL YOU IM ADDICTED TO SEX YOU ARE OKAY WITH THAT WHEN IM NOT OKAY WITH SOMETHING RULING ME TO SUCH AN EXTREME THAT I GOT ANGRY WHEN WE DIDN'T HAVE IT??!! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT IT WAS OKAY FOR ME TO BE ADDICTED TO YOU SEXUALLY AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS ..NO BIG DEAL?... and SO WHEN I PRAYED THAT I WAS HEALED OF THAT ADDICTION YOU WEREN'T IMPRESSED BY THE PROOF THAT I NOW WAS OKAY WITH JUST DOING WHAT MOST COUPLES DO? LIKE GET OUT OF THE HOUSE?! AND FIND OUT IF WE HAD MORE IN COMMON THAN JUST SEX! BUT OH NO! WHEN I SAID I WAS JUST HAPPY TO HAVE SPENT OUR TIME TOGETHER ON THE DAYS WE WERE ALLOWED TO YOU HAD THE ADDICTION TOO AND I JUST NEVER REALIZED THAT BECAUSE WELL I WAS LOST IN A TEMPORARY HAZE OF SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRIED TO BASE A RELATIONSHIP ON I GUESS..NO I MEAN I KNOW NOW..THAT WHEN YOU WERE SO CONCERNED WITH TAKING PICS OF YOUR COCK FOR FUBAR YOU LIED AND SAID THE PICS WERE FOR ME..THEN I SAW THE PICTURE YOU HAD TAKEN "FOR ME" WITH THE CAPTION "BORED I GUESS" UNDER IT..WELL HONEY YOU ONLY HELPED GOD ANSWER MY PRAYER TO HEAL THAT ADDICTION TO YOU..SO I THANKYOU FOR ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE SO ENGROSED IN YOURSELF THAT YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE THEN THAT GOD WAS WORKING IN OUR LIVES.. IN FACT.. YOU KEEP LYING OVER AND OVER ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY BUT IT WAS JUST ABOUT YOU...YOU..YOU..YOU..YOU TO WHERE WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT HEY WHAT HAPPENED?? YOU THOUGHT YOUR COCK WAS WHAT KEPT ME? WELL YOU'D BE WRONG.. YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD ME FIGURED OUT?? WELL AGAIN WRONG.. YOU THOUGHT THAT ALTHOUGH YOU WERE WILLING TO PUT UP WITH MY DEPRESSIONS, THAT CAUSED ME TO SLEEP AND WANT TO NEVER WAKE UP WERE JUST FINE CAUSE WE STILL HAD GREAT SEX WAS SOMETHING I TOO WOULD SETTLE FOR?? WELL WTF? I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS?! BEST FRIENDS WHO WANT THE OTHER PERSON TO BE HAPPY.. NOT JUST USE THE SHIT THAT KEEPS THEM FROM WANTING TO LIVE BE A VICE TO MAKE THEM FEEL THEY WERE TO BLAME WHY YOU COULDN'T GET MARRIED! AND START ON THAT SUPPOSED FANTASY YOU WERE WILLING TO NEVER MAKE BE TRUE TO LIFE... I WAS SOOOOOO BLIND. THATS OKAY.. I BELIEVE THAT WHAT WE CREATE FOR OURSELVES OR LET OURSELVES GET INTO NO MATTER HOW SHITTY IF WE DECIDE TO LET GOD TAKE IT OVER HE MAKES IT GREAT.. AND I SEE NOW HOW HE HAS..SO YEAH I WAS OFF BY A LONG SHOT THINKING THAT WE WERE TO BE MARRIED AND ALL..AND I WAS WRONG TO THINK THAT I COULD ONLY BE SOMEONES MISTRESS TOO. SO MAYBE ITS LIKE I THOUGHT YOU HELD ON TO ME IN THE HOPES THAT IF SHONA DID EVER STOP CHEATING ON YOU THEN YOU WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STAYING THERE..SHOULD I THINK THIS TOO? SHOULD I ANALIZE WHY YOU DID AND DO WHAT YOU DO? WHY YOU GOT ALL BUT HURT WHEN I NO LONGER GLORIFIED YOU ON MY FUBAR PAGE AND STOPPED POSTING SEXY PIX OF MY SELF ON THIS SITE.. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK THAT IM NOT GONNA BOTHER TO.. WHAT EVER YOU NEED FOR YOUR LIFE I NEVER STOOD IN THE WAY!! YOU WOULD LOVE TO MAKE ME THINK I DID.. BUT THEN I WOULD HAVE TO SAY YOU STOOD IN MY WAY SOME HOW RIGHT??. WELL I DONT BELIEVE THAT AT ALL! SO ANYWAYS: THE ONE thing that was what i needed most Only God Knew...Look I love you i hate that i still don't know how to talk without raising my voice.. i hate that i can't be a comfort to you... but i love the fact that JESUS is that comfort you shout even now as i'm typing this:yesterday... : 8:43am> please forgive me for deleting your last comment, A letter of goodbye was making me cry , As mad as I am at you, and as hurt as I am by you for all the lies you have told me, All the pacts broken, my heart body and soul hurts so bad from a broken heart, It can only be broken, From caring and being so in love with you, 9:40am >do you have a minute? 9:40am> or maybe two 9:46am> I have sent you many texts, all had love in them,, all but one,, sorry.. I dont understand, we have been so close, But you wont even tell me why, no aswering of phone,, no text back, and how, when I have always stood by you, think and thin, with love and respect, that you can be this way with me, what did I do to you? besides be good. please tell me,, I need to know. 9:48am>please... tell me... I don't want to end up not knowing you, with anger towards you... we are suppose to be friends, and have been alot more, Friends dont treat friends the way you are treating me, And Im sure, you answer for everyone else.. I do want to love you forever, I do need to know.... why? to what I have asked,, 10:12am>ok,,,, I waited all day yesterday for relays, today, phone, text here, I understand I am out of your life now. Why I am. I guess you cant even be bothered to tell me that, I'll just have to go through life wondering, was it a him. Or something I didnt do right, Or you just hate me. and for why I dont know. For me,, I know im in love with you or this wouldnt hurt so bad, Then Im sure will turn to anger, Then a life time of hidden heart ache. I will never be mean or crule to you. And you do know me well enough, That if ever needed, I am there for you and the kids, Good by Sarah SS sysb... Oh shit! how and where to I drop off your stuff,, get my stuff and the presents for you and the kids? PS. hurt, mad, sad angery.. and others I dont need to say, I will love you for enterety.. NO WAY! IT...: S baby, dont be so crule to one day not tell me what it was, I cant go through life wondering what took you from me,,, and be honest. THAT IS YOU: NOT ME! EVEN ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW YOU SEE??? I can't even figure out that when God said ... stop worrying sarah!! shhhhut the hell up and just trust that i heard your constant prayer that i would comfort him.. BUt NO i gotta let my head in my way of my heart and i feel your concerns for the future trouble you and i honestly hurt to see and hear such anguish in your voice as you plead with me to be patient... I'm SOOOO SORRRYY.. but God will (12/23/08) WTF? DID YOU NEED THE OKAY TO USE OUR SITUATION TO MAKE YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY WHO IS SO DISTRAUGHT OVER ME THE BITCH WHO FOUND A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS TO COMFORT HER THAT COMFORT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN MORE TO HER FOR BUT ARE MORE STUCK ON THE VIRTUAL / CYBERSIDE OF REALITY! WELL I WAS STUCK IN A DREAM STATE.. NO LONGER! heal your temporary pain too as he is mine... please if you've never heard anything i've ever said..listen to the most important and most rewarding "SEEK HIM"..he's the answer to ALL.. I PRAY THAT GOD FORGIVES ME FOR BEING UNABLE TO COMFORT YOU.. BECAUSE I TRUST THAT HE WILL.."L.L.L."."LOVE LASTING 4LIFE"..GOD PUT THIS IN MY HEART WHEN I QUESTIONED HIM ABOUT WHY WAS OUR TRIPLE "L" SO IMPORTANT TO US.. SO YOU SEE WE DIDN'T FAIL OUR FRIENDSHIP..THANKYOU ALLWAYS BEING YOU..XO FOR MY BEST FRIEND THANKYOU FOR HELPING ME IN OUR JOURNEY TO BE "L.L.L."{ TO EACHOTHER.. AND YOU WILL ALLWAYS BE MY GG... CAUSE NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT STOOD FOR IN MY LIFE... GG= GODS GIFT 2ME SEE YOU THERE.. ss SPECIAL SECRET?..ONLY GOD WILL REVEAL THAT TO U..