Ghost's blog: "Be Still Your Words Till I Am Done"

I have been piecing this together for sometime, trying to figure this out. This journey I have been on has had its ups and downs. Mysteries and questions, fewer answers, though just as meaningful. Probably the toughest one has been the most recent, in an abstract way you asked me "are you aware of the wounds that you made in mine?" The answer is Yes, I am aware, and it mirrors the wounds made in my own, for the same reasons. It might surprise you to know I see all too clearly the damage wrought, the wrongs made and it left a scar in me as well, just as much as the physical scar you made on my arm, one that I am thankful never healed. A constant reminder of good it could be, and how much better it could be again.

Life has taken me to many places, and through many trials. But what I have learned is immeasurable, where it has brought me is what I needed, to be able to see through your eyes, to feel through your heart, to understand that my greatest sin against you was the one so easily missed. Not the obvious wrongs, nor the ones that were created by another's deceit, we both were. Though what was done to you was far worse then done to me. I want the opportunity to talk, its what I hope for, I hope for more, but its where to begin. Talk one on one, in whatever terms you need from me. I am at your mercy, and I always have been...

Everyday it gets longer then before, but no amount of time can change what is true and what is unavoidable. I tried moving on just like you told me to, thought perhaps that I had. But I was just a shell, everything good about me had walked out that door with you. Nothing was ever right again, no matter how much I tried to push it out of my mind. I wonder what you thought when you saw me from afar, always realized it afterwards, sometimes things we do leave a small trail, and I found one once.

I so badly want to talk to you to hear your voice and to share with you the things I have discovered, the things I discovered about myself and the things I discovered about you as well. 

You were the only person who ever fit me like a puzzle, the only one who could see through to my core. You stood by me through the darkest period of my life, and as I look towards the brightest days to come, there is only one woman I want by my side, only one who deserves to be. Though I may not have deserved you back then, a lot has changed in the last 14 years, I have finally come full sircle and see the things the way you always saw them to be. I was still so immature back then still nothing more then a child in so many ways, I was older then you in years, but your life had been one of struggles and worries I couldnt even begin to comprehend. I do now, and my heart aches at how you were hurt by me unintentionally, and I never want to do that again, will never do that again.

You made a promise to me the last time we spoke, for me the time is right, I can not know if it is yet for you or not. But I will wait, no woman could ever take your place in my heart, and one thing I promise to you and the world, no woman will ever be given the chance to try anymore. It is fruitless and pointless,it never works out, no matter how much like you they may be, they will never BE you, and I don't want anyone else.

It has been a struggle, from the ones that want to fall in love with me for my absolute devotion to you, to the ones who want to make me be someone else entirely and believe that to be true. But my heart remains as it always has been with you, waiting to become one again with the only one that ever really mattered.

I also go back to the day I saw you for the very first time, how all i could see was you, everything else had slipped away at that moment, and the thought that came to me as I looked at you. Do you remember what it was? I wonder if you believed then if it was true or not, it was true, and its something I have never forgotten.

Do you remember Francois? Or the question I asked you about us? I do know the answer, and always have, yes you are, and always have been. I know this because of so many reasons, reasons I will not share in this forum. The reasons are yours, the reasons are you.

A big part of me has been gone for so many years, the part of me that you took with you. In some ways I suppose I am lucky, I got to experience the truest connection a person could ever experience. I lost it, but I still had that with you.

All that said, what i want most is just to talk to you, to tell you this and so much more, this is all I expect from you if you will give it. I may hope for more then that, i can't help that, but will respect you, and what you want. I should always have, and I hope maybe someday you can at least find it in your heart to forgive me.

I do think I found a trail of you, an odd social website that has one picture and you may have been on for one day. Its hard to be sure, as in the pic you are looking down and your face is somewhat hidden. Short Black and Red hair, you also look sad in it. If thats you, its another way we can communicate at first if you want. I am waiting...

14 years is a very long time, coming on longer each day.  I have never stopped missing you, and miss you now more then ever.  It isn't the physical that I miss, but that connection we shared. Just the simple act of holding you in my arms, you were a part of me, an extension of myself.  This hasnt changed in the least,  I still feel you, and I doubt that will ever stop.  I missed you today, I mean I miss you everyday, but today even more so.  It weighs so heavy on me....

I trust in His promise, three times, the path I have been put on, the end within sight but still so far away.  There are so many things I need to say to you, so much....

I talk about what happened, and it makes me feel better, strange that it happens that way, after everything that happened, everything I did and everything I didn't do.  I was such a mess, and only got worse.  Every day back then worse then the day before, the only good thing I had was you.  You were the only one who really cared, do you still? Could you?

Not sure how often I will be posting these, though I imagine there will be many. Everyday? The bad days? The good days?