All right, so what is "BDSM"?
"BDSM" is an acronym of "B&D" (Bondage & Discipline), "D&S" (Dominance & Submission), and "S&M" (sadomasochism). "BDSM" refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.
Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the "submissive") agrees to submit to another person (the "dominant"); or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another.
Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next.
Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of "S&M" as "That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff," yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream...
All of these things are "BDSM." BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body qualifies as "BDSM" (specifically, of a variety called "sensation play").
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A SAFE WORD
If you are going to play with bondage or spanking or resistance play or role-playing, it's often wise to establish a "safeword," which is a code word that means 'Stop, now, I'm serious.' This word should be something you won't forget and that won't come up in any other way. Many people use "Green-Yellow-Red:" Green means "everything's fine," Yellow means "Don't stop, but don't do anything harder than that," Red means "Stop everything right now."
- Be very careful when playing with a new partner for the first time--particularly in cases where you do not already know this person, and most particularly in cases where you will be meeting someone you don't know very well in any circumstance that could get you into trouble. Always arrange your first meetings in public places. Don't accompany a stranger everywhere. While it may seem like common sense (and it applies equally well to any dating situation, not just a BDSM relationship), it's still sometimes easy to forget.
One thing that is sometimes useful if you are going to be meeting someone you don't know well in a private setting is to arrange to have a friend call you at certain times throughout the night. Set up a secret code word with your friend; if you do NOT say that code word during the calls, or if you do not answer the calls, your friend should immediately notify the authorities. Make sure your friend knows where you will be, and make sure your partner knows that you have arranged these calls. A partner who objects is probably not a safe partner.
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