CC Noles4Life's blog: "BDSM THINGS"

Probing That Green-Eyed Monster``SirBlackWhip I submit that jealousy should be our teacher. Jealousy can lead us to the very places where we most need healing. It can be our guide into our own dark side and show us the way to total self-realization. It can teach us how to live in peace with ourselves and the entire world if we allow it. For many folks, the biggest barrier to free love is the emotion we refer to as jealousy. Jealousy feels really rotten and most of us will go to great lengths to avoid feeling it. However, I believe that many people take the destructive power of jealousy way too much for granted, that they give jealousy far more power than it deserves. After many years of living free and dealing successfully with jealousy, we tend not to remember that we live in a culture that considers it acceptable to divorce or even murder a sexually explorative partner who committed the unthinkable crime of arousing jealousy in us. We danced happily for years to a bouncy Beatles' tune before we realized the lyrics that threatened, "I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to see you with another man..." Let us point out here that monogamy is not a cure for jealousy. I had a dear friend who managed to become pathologically jealous without his girlfriend ever cheating. We have all had experiences of being ferociously jealous of work that keeps our partner away or distracted from us, or of our lover's decision to cruise the Internet instead of our bodies, or Monday {Tuesday, and Wednesday and.....} Night Football. Jealousy is not exclusive to sluts; it is an emotion we all have to deal with in our relationships. Many folks believe that sexual territoriality is a natural part of individual and social evolution, and use jealousy as justification to go berserk, and cease being a sane, responsible, and ethical human being. Threatened with feeling jealous, we allow our brains to turn to static on the excuse that we are acting on instinct. We cannot ask this question too often. What is jealousy to us? Does jealousy really exist, and is it what we think it is? Once we are willing to confront the feeling of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy truly is for each of us. Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, or fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate. Sometimes what we perceive as jealousy is actually something else. Think through the details of how jealousy works with us. What bothers us the most? Is it that we don't want him or her to do those things to someone else, or that we want him or her to do them for us? Jealousy might actually be envy, and envy is often very easy to repair: why not make a date with our lover to do what we have just discovered we are missing? Sometimes jealousy has at its roots feelings of grief and loss, which can be harder to decipher. We have been taught by our culture that when our partner has sex with another, we have lost something. Not to sound dumb, but we are confused. What have we lost? When our partner comes home from a hot date with another, often he or she is excited, aroused, and has some new ideas they would like to try out at home. We fail to see what we lose in this situation. On the other hand, sometimes the truth is that we are becoming aware on an intuitive level that our partner is moving away from us, and it might be true that we are losing the relationship that we cherish. That does happen. And the fact that supposedly monogamous folks everywhere often leave one partner for what they perceive as greener grass with another is not much consolation when it happens to us. I watched my best friend, Nelson, go through feelings of deep grief and loss when he perceived that his partner's lover was trying, quite nearly successfully, to abscond with her. In this case, his pain threw a spotlight on some dishonesty and manipulation on the part of the third party, and gave his partner the strength to break off from the lover and to find other lovers who had greater respect for her primary bond. On the other hand, this scenario might just as easily have ended in a breakup; we will discuss more about breakups, and dealing with them ethically with care for our own and our partner's feelings, in a subsequent essay send. Jealousy might also be associated with feelings of competitiveness and wanting to be number one. I submit that we should just the throw the damn ruler or measuring stick out now, because sexual achievement is not measurable. We cannot rank each and every one of us on some hierarchical ladder of who is or is not the most desirable, or the better "fuck." What a horrid idea! We want to live in a world where each person's sexuality is valued for its own sake, not for how it measures up to any standard beyond our own pleasure. And if we learn from someone else's experience something that we would like to add to our own repertoire of skills, we can certainly learn to do it without wasting time trashing ourselves for not already having known how. Fear of being sexually inadequate can be particularly potent. But allow me to reassure you that eventually, when we succeed in establishing the lifestyle we are dreaming about, we will be so familiar with so many different individuals' ways of expressing sexuality that we will no longer have to wonder how our sexuality compares to another's; we will know from direct experience. We can learn from our lovers, and our lovers' lover to be the sexual superstar we would like to be. To change the way we experience a feeling requires time, so expect a gradual process. learning as we go, by trial and error. And there will be trials, and we will make errors. Start by giving ourselves permission to learn new ways. Allow ourselves to not know what we don't know, to be ignorant. We must allow ourselves to make mistakes, we have no choice. So reassure ourselves: there is no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It is of like learning to skate. We have to fall down and make a fool of ourselves a few times before we become as graceful as a swan. The challenge becomes learning to establish within ourselves a strong foundation of internal security that is not dependent on sexual exclusivity, or ownership of our partner. This is part of a larger question of how to grasp our personal power and learn to understand and love ourselves without such a desperate need for another person to validate us. We become free to give and receive validation, not from need or obligation, but from love and caring. I suggest most strongly that we put some effort into learning to validate ourselves, believe me, we are worth it. Many folks find that as they develop their poly amorous families, they actually get validation from lots and lots of people and thus become less dependent on their partner's approval. Their needs and their sources of nourishment get spread out over a wider territory. I cannot tell you how to banish jealousy, or how to exorcise it as if it were a demon. Jealousy is not a cancer that we can cut out. It is a part of us, a way that we express fear and hurt. What we can do is change the way we experience jealousy, learn to deal with it as we learn to deal with any emotion, until it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable: a mild disturbance, like a rainy day rather than a tornado. Once we have made a commitment to refuse to act on our jealousy, we become free to start reducing the amount of power we let our jealousy have over us. One way to do this is simply allow ourselves to feel it. Just feel it. It will hurt. and we will feel frightened and confused, but if we sit still, and listen to ourselves with compassion and support from the scared child inside, the first thing we will learn is that the experience of jealousy is survivable. We have the strength to get through it. We sometimes accuse others of being jealous like it is a crime. Do not try to deny it! It is particularly critical that we own our jealousy, to ourselves and to our intimates. If we try to pretend that we are not jealous when we are, others will perceive us as dishonest, or worse yet, they may believe us, and see no need to support or protect us because we are fine, right? If we pretend to ourselves that we are not jealous when we are, then our own emotions may try devious routes to bring themselves to our attention, which can generate intensely irrational feelings and behavior, temper tantrums, and rage fits, or perhaps even make us physically ill. When we try to deny jealousy to ourselves, we take from ourselves the opportunity to be in sympathy with ourselves and to support and comfort ourselves. When we deny jealousy, or any other difficult emotion, we put ourselves in a harsh and difficult landscape, full of pitfalls and land mines. "Acting out" means doing things we don't understand, driven by emotions we have refused to be aware, and denying our jealousy can lead us to act out harsh feelings in ways we will regret later. Many times the acting out takes the form of making ultimatums about what our partner may and may not do, or worse, trying to enforce retroactive agreements by getting all righteously indignant about how anybody could have figured out that is was not okay to take some other date to a movie we wanted to seem and are not both of them inconsiderate and rotten? We cannot deal destructively with jealousy by making the other person wrong. Jealousy is an emotion that arises inside of us; no person and no behavior can make us jealous. Like it or not, the only person who can make that jealousy hurt less or go away is us. The way to unlearn jealousy is to be willing to experience it By actively choosing to experience a painful feeling like jealousy, we are already starting to reduce its power over us. First, we decide that we will not allow our jealousy to make us run screaming over the horizon. And so we exercise our first form of control over jealousy: We will hold steady and stay with ourselves and feelings. When we hold still with our jealousy, we will discover that it is possible to feel something difficult without getting frantic, or doing anything we don't choose to do. We will have taken our second step at dis-empowering our jealousy. We have told our jealousy that we will not allow it to destroy our loving relationships. In closing, I want to say to briefly mention a few more other things to help make jealousy less powerful in our lives and relationships. We should feel our own feelings, baby ourselves, and bite the bullet when the green-eyed monster creates emotional tension. Sharing and remembering the good things about who we are go miles toward helping to render powerless the scared child that exists in all of us. Play hard! Be consensual and safe! So long for now!

Psychological Pain``by SirBlackWhip I strongly feel it is very possible to have a sadomasochistic experience completely without physical pain, one in which D/s (Domination and Submission) is acknowledged in other ways; this is can be referred to as psychological pain. This can consist of such feelings as uncertainty, apprehension, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, powerlessness, and above all, fear. The most common component of SM mental pain is, of course, humiliation, where the dominant embarrasses the submissive by pointing out his or her helplessness. I submit this example. Submissive s may be humiliated by being made to lick their dominants boots or kiss the dominants buttocks. I know that female dominants sometimes demean their male subs by forcing them to wear female clothing, or by giving them tasks or chores to do which, of course, raises the specter of misbehaving or necessitating punishment. I submit here, that it is very important that none of the concepts being utilized here are of a malicious nature, but they are strictly consensual. Psychological pain is probably the most subjective area of SM play, for I believe it is truly in the mind of the beholder, as the concept of beauty vs. ugly. The subjectivity exists because what humiliates, intimidates, or embarrasses us, what makes us fearful, may not affect us in the least. And vice versa. Also, what is humiliating one evening might not seem that way the next time we do the same thing, just as something that hurts tonight may not even, under different circumstances, hurt tomorrow. I submit that being told to stay on one's knees in a corner of a room during a party would be humiliating to some people and just boring to others. I feel that being naked in a room filled with fully dressed people, which I might add is an experience known to most submissive s, can be quite a humiliating experience, thus creating feelings of exposure and vulnerability. While there is an element of humiliation that is inherent in the DS relationship itself in that the focus is on the vulnerability of the submissive and the intimacy of the dominants power and control, there are, in addition, other types of humiliation play. Pride and self-esteem are essentially two character facets upon which humiliation play impacts, and both qualities can be diminished during such play. Since pride and self-esteem are such integral parts of what makes us who we are, it is vitally important to show the caring and loving feelings that exist between us playing this way both before and after such a scene, thus allowing a nurturing, a healing, and a return to the equal status between us and our partners. Being able to handle humiliation is often a sign of the strength of character that a sub who participates in such heavy, extreme scenes. I submit that one must be certain of one's own personal strengths to come out the other end of humiliation play with his or her character intact, and also, one must be sure, too, of the respect one's dominant has for them. I strongly emphasize that if this crucial knowledge is missing, humiliation scenes become real turn-offs. Fear and teasing are two more aspects of mental pain, and both are issues that require a great deal of trust between partners when they come into play. Fear may be an immense turn-on but terror is not; it is too damn real and goes well beyond eroticism. I submit when the submissive can trust the dominant will not actually do the things he or she may threaten to do, the partners can then play with fear. I knew that when I held a burning candle so close to Kathy's breast, she was terrified that it was so close. I could see the fear in her downcast eyes. She knew I would not burn her though. I came extremely close, but I did not do it. Kathy and I talked this through, and she was quite secure in the knowledge. And because of her secure feelings, she could relax and really immerse herself in the fear. She would scream, plead, or beg, be highly excited or frightened by the possibilities. She told me it was fun, though, at the time to believe that I would do it; it is an illusion that made our play all the more real. Kathy also knew that fear was useless, that I would do what I wished, and that the decision was mine, that I left nothing possible to her except the thing she desired most--submitting. Playing with fear provides the sub the opportunity to play the pleading-begging part of the fantasy, or the "against his or her role," or the victim role, thus increasing the specter of fear, vulnerability, and the arousal. The begging-pleading fantasy often plays a part in another intense but fairly common aspect of SM play, which is acting out a non consensual scenario. I submit that kidnap, rape, and torture are common fantasies and acting them during SM play is no more real than in the movies. With acknowledged pre-negotiation and consent, these fantasy games can be quite exciting and erotic. One of the most intensely humiliating fantasies, is the "loss of control" scene. Giving a sub golden showers, or giving him or her an enema, thus forcing her retain the water, are definitely humiliating experiences. Water sports like taking control of his or her bladder and bowel functions is another way of demonstrating one's dominance, thus allowing another to exercise such immense control is truly a demonstration of submission. I also submit that these activities tend to reinforce and underline feelings of humiliation and create the experience of what I call a "delicious shame." I will say that this type of kinky, intense water play is not my scene. Though I see the immense power and high to have control over a sub's bodily functions in this manner, I used to get my ass beat for playing with piss and shit. Orgasm is another example of a physically out-of-control experience that can be turned into humiliation during SM play by a dominants references, for example, at a party as to how embarrassing it will feel to be forced into orgasm in a room full of people. When Kathy and I would start to play, she was already wet. She did not have control over that. Her body just did it without her, and we both loved that. If I would mention it to her by saying that she was an animal and that we have not begun the scene and she's soaking wet already, I would tell her what a little sex fiend she was. It humiliated her, which made her all the wetter. In closing, I hope this particular article has provided knowledge, enlightenment, and insight about certain aspects of psychological pain and its relation to SM play. Humiliation is a hard limit for many submissive s, and that is why it keeps popping up in my writings at various intervals. Play hard! Be consensual and safe! So long for now!

Daddy Dominance I have decided to use this particular essay to discuss the distinct attributes and aspects of the daddy dominant, as a special request from various list members and because I am actually partial to this specific type of dominant in some respects. Previously, I had written an article on this topic months ago, but I seem to have lost it in the archiving process. I have decided to rewrite this essay. The first thing I want to do, is dispel any notions or misconceptions about the relationship between daddy dominants and their little-girl subs. It has nothing to do with incest, age play, or any closeted desires or fetish for, or with children. Nor is it about a father-daughter relations, in fact, there is nothing about this type of relationship that resembles anything about their father for the little-girl subs, whatsoever. In this dominants opinion, a daddy dominant is the most tender of all dominants. He loves and adores his little-girl submissive with a true, eternal passion. A daddy dominant has his sub's best interest in mind, even when it conflicts with his own personal desires. This does not denote that he surrenders to her every demand. There can be immense differences between the submissive's desires and her real needs. The daddy dominant has to be prepared to sacrifice for her, if needed, and yes, at times he does punish his submissive when needed, which generally hurts him just as much, if not more, than her. The daddy dominant will always do what is best for his little-girl sub. The daddy dominant always helps his submissive to set and attain goals in life. He will strive diligently to help her improve herself to be the best she can be, not for himself, but for her. The daddy dominant is not only looking to make her a better submissive, but a better person overall. He has multiple roles in his little-girl sub's life. He is a mentor, a teacher, a protector, a guide, and most of all, a lover. The daddy dominant offers to his little-girl submissive what she needs most of all, which is unconditional love and acceptance. He must maintain consistency in his actions towards his sub, so that she always knows what to expect from him, and having the confident knowledge she can always depend upon him. The daddy dominant desires nothing more than to pull his little-girl submissive close and protect her from a world that is seen to be bent on cruelty, but knowing all along that he cannot. So it is up to the daddy dominant to prepare his little sub for whatever life may throw her direction, and to always be there for her when things go wrong, knowing that she will run to him when she becomes frightened or overwhelmed by the stress of life can issue. The daddy dominant will always listen to all his submissive's fears and concerns, and will help her confront them, thus slaying her dragons, if you please. The daddy dominant will cuddle his little-girl sub and show her immense tenderness when needed. When she is unsure or uncertain of herself, he will whisper words of encouragement to her. When she feels ugly or unwanted, her daddy dominant reinforces and reassures she is beautiful. When she feels scared or nervous, he is her safety net. For the daddy dominant, the little-girl submissive is the pride, joy, and main comfort of his life. There are really no large contrasts between daddy dominants versus their regular or sadistic counterparts. The daddy dominants little girl sub may be the twinkle of his eye, but she is definitely all woman! And he may be a daddy, but he is still, first and foremost, a dominant! The daddy dominant has to be able to punish and discipline his submissive when she needs it, and let his consistent actions prove that she cannot wrap her daddy around her little finger, or she will lose respect for him, thus his control over her is severely diminished or hampered. This could be pending doom for the daddy dominant/little-girl submissive relationship, or any D/s relationship. We all realize that you cannot have the love without the respect. In that, and other ways, I may or may not have mentioned, a daddy dominant is not different from a regular or sadistic one. The only true contrast I see is how the love is given and reciprocated in this particular relationship I have discussed. In closing this essay, I hope I have been able to bring some clarity to the misconceptions regarding daddy dominant and little-girl submissive relationship, and provided some insight and knowledge on the relationship itself, as well as, some comparisons and contrasts between the regular or sadistic dominant and the daddy counterpart. Play hard! Be consensual and safe! So long for now!

The Submissive Nature I feel that courtesy is a strong indication of a good submissive as well as a good dominant. As a submissive, he or she asks his or her dominant for an immense amount of time, attention, and thought. I submit the dominating someone requires a great deal of work and effort. I feel that while the submissive obviously has needs, he or she should devote himself or herself to pleasing his or her dominant as best they can. I feel that the submissive being honest and sincere about what types of play interests him or her. If the submissive is a masochist, with little or no interest in performing personal service for a dominant, he or she may tend to annoy or frustrate a dominant who has high expectations on being served. Also, there are those subs who are only interested in performing or providing a sexual services. While others tend to provide such services on a limited basis, such as domestic or office help, and then there totally devoted submissives who serve their dominant any way they can. I submit that one of the qualities of good submissive is to show honesty with respect to his or her needs and desires, to the extent that he or she currently knows and understands them, will serve the sub well here. While a dominant is not essentially under any obligation to request that the submissive do things that suit him or her, I feel that the sub should offer numerous ways to his or his dominant as reasonably possible, after all, the more way a submissive can make a dominants life pleasant, the more useful he or she is as a sub. I submit that a good submissive should diplomatically be as clear as he or she can about his or her limits. I strongly believe that a frustrated and resentful submissive is no fun for any dominant. I feel that another characteristic that describes a good and true submissive is to not be pushy. I submit that a good sub won't approach a dominant and, uninvited, descend to his or her knees at his or her feet. I can tell you from my lifestyle experience that it is a truly a turn-off with many dominants, myself included. This can be viewed, in its own fashion, as a non-consensual act, given the fact consent and negotiation are the one of the cornerstones of SM and DS. I appreciate and can tolerate a certain amount of subtle, low-key flirting. I am definitely impressed by formal introductions from potential submissives, whether by email, in person, or introduced through a known third party. I submit that a good and true submissive won't approach another sub's dominant and come onto him or her by kneeling or acting submissive in a conspicuous manner without that dominants prior and express approval. Doing so can create immense hostilities between the two submissives, which can spiral out of control. I feel that a good and true submissive should avoid being a smart-assed masochist. SAMs will misbehave on purpose to provoke their dominants into punishing them. I submit that this can be fun and erotically hot within the context of a pre-negotiated scene. I love for my sub to be what I call "sassy defiance." I absolutely love it when a submissive can make me rise to the challenge of making her hot ass heel. Being a SAM is frowned upon when it is engaged in a non-consensual fashion, or when the couple is outside the SM scene. I just feel that a sub who acts in such a manner is essentially weak to ask for what they really desire in an honest manner. In my lifestyle experience, I have some smart-assed masochists provoke real anger in some dominants. This essentially denotes a deliberate emotional or physical hurting of the dominant to receive the desired response. Such behavior, in my opinion, would not be indicative of a good submissive because it is manipulative, unethical, and it stinks of being non-consensual. I submit that provoking a dominant is not a good idea. As I mentioned in my previously submitted article with respect to good dominants, domination is likened to surgery, it is a highly-refined skill in a highly that takes a long time to learn and master. Good doms exercise their skill in a highly-controlled, thoughtful manner. I submit that a good submissive would not deliberately disturb a dominants emotional balance, as it would be quite dangerous. Even though many dominants exhibit an immense amount self-control, we are still human; when we are injured, we hurt. Many subs will say that a raging, out-of-control dominant is definitely terrifying. A dominant friend of mine was purposely provoked by his sub to the point of losing control. He was quite shaken and sorrowful after SM scene was over. It took over two years before he could regain his confidence. I am not going to go into any detail here, other than the fact, he did erupt like Mount Vesuvius. I suggest that a submissive should not engage seriously in being a smart-assed masochist, unless he or she knows the dominant can deal with that. As I mentioned earlier, being a SAM can be quite hot and erotic under the right circumstances. Under the wrong circumstances, it can be quite disastrous. As I have I said in previous articles, a good and true submissive also has to exercise self-control like a good dominant. I strongly feel that a good submissive would not engage in the behavior of resistance, at least, until he or she got to know their dominant quite well. I submit that resistance on a submissive's part, especially, if the dominant does not know him or her well can send mixed messages, which can be quite difficult to interpret. When I am in a dominant role in an SM scene with a novice submissive, I will tell my partner that any physical resistance on her part will essentially be successful. I will regard such behavior as a yellow light, or even an immediate termination of the scene. There are some subs who enjoy being forced, and this type of behavior being exhibited can essentially ruin a session, as well as, cost me an occasional play partner. I feel that trying to overcome physical resistance, even if it can be done quite easily, in the mistaken assumption that it is play resistance can definitely lead to disastrous results. I submit that physical resistance must be carefully pre-negotiated. I strongly suggest that any dominant, who is in doubt, back off immediately. Like being a smart-assed masochist, resistance can be erotically hot if engaged in under the right circumstances. Topping from below is another behavior that I feel that good subs should refrain. This denotes a submissive trying to control the scene in progress by making excessive requests, suggestions, and complaints. Of course, this is quite different from the sub who makes suggestions and requests to the dominant, yet leaving it for him or her to decide. It is also different from asking for particular activities, or ruling out particular activities during pre-scene negotiations. Topping from the bottom is typically frowned upon. I submit that submissives should let the dominants make as many decisions as reasonably possible, as the submissive is there to please the dominant. I talked about dominant masochists and submissive sadists in my previously submitted article on DS and SM archetypes. A submissive sadist enjoys serving their partner by providing them exactly the kind of pain they desire, or as a dominant masochist which connotes those who enjoy receiving exactly, and only the kind of pain they desire. I will say that these persona's work well as long as both partners agree in advance that this is the type of scene they want to do. I submit that there is an ethical use of the topping from the bottom behavior, which is when an experienced sub is respectfully offering suggestions to a novice dominant. I know that beginner dominants often feel quite insecure, being trained by their more experienced submissives. In my years as a dominant, I have seen few cases where the novice dominant went on to become excellent and outstanding. Also I have seen a few cases where the submissive was abusive to the novice dom, and he or she essentially never realizes his or her potential. I knew one or two to actually leave the SM or DS community entirely. I submit that is a stupid and tragic waste. As in the other behaviors I mentioned in the above paragraphs, topping from the bottom can also be erotic and hot under the proper circumstances. I loved it when Kathy would turn the tables in a scene. Many of you may or may not agree with what I am about say here. I strongly believe that a dominant who can relinquish control and reclaim it at the appropriate time, essentially controls control, the essence of power, if you please. I just feel that a good and true submissive will topping from the bottom in a constructive, circumspect, and respectful manner with regards to a novice dominant. My vision of the ideal submissive is one who will be able to discern between strength and stubbornness, with a preference for the former. I love that woman who possesses the fiery, feisty nature that dwells deep within her bosom, sassy defiance, if you will. But I also desire a submissive who has strong sense of self-worth, a woman who is happy with herself and can honestly communicate what it is that she desires. My ideal sub will cherish the romance and be totally enthralled by a perilous, dramatic fantasy. She will be unified and complete, special and significant, and she will possess the immense courage to listen to the spirit beyond what she is. Play hard! Be consensual and safe! So long for now!