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Well, i can't sleep. I was Asleep. But now I'm not. It bites. I am tired, I am sleepy. I am CRANKY... and damnit, i just wanna be asleep!!!! IS IT GONNA HAPPEN??? Probably not. Ya know what i was just thinking about. I really dislike pop tarts. Ugh. Icky things. Right now, I need to pick and chose my words carefully... but I have never been so, confused, sad, hurt, angered, and near tears in my entire life. Although I brought it on myself.... But still... I suck at reactions to things. I get so sick of being blamed for everything. EVERYONE says "I'm sorry but you did this first". Why can't people just say sorry, and why they are sorry? I did. I was suprised. I made a concious effort to leave out the "but u were being a dick" shit, and jut said sorry... in return, i got, "well i'm sorry but..." and after attempting to explain my pain, which i am not good at, get told, well you started it... it's like, oh oh oh, progress progress... and, a wall. Why is it when I try so hard to do something people stll have to remind me, but see you fucked up here and here and here and here and here... and when i say well, i know i did i'm sorry... oh and here and here... i know i'm sorry... and here and here and here... it's this vicious cycle. I don't know how to react. I got so close to expressing my feelings to a human, rather than just typing it on a screen... and in the middle got told "BUT YOU STARTED IT". For once in my life, i almost cried, not because i was hurt. But because it always has to be my fault. or "50/50" when is there the point that someone else just fucks up? Why is it I am always fucking up? Why can't someone else be totally responsible once in a while, for something they say or do... why do their actions always have to be a result of me fucking up somehow? I don't get this. I am in tears trying to understand how if i'm not a bad person, why i apparently bring so much pain upon myself, by inciting other people to say horrible things to me. This has been my life for 14 years. I got blamed for my mom dying and been downhill since. I get blamed for everything. Why the fuck wont people just go "Man, i fucked up. Sorry." Cuz ya know, i do it sometimes!!! Seriously, sometimes, although very rare, I will just say sorry for things I have done... with out the "but you started it" or "i did it cuz u did this" sometimes, i am just sorry for something i have done. Even if i felt i had a good reason for doing them... But i guess I know whats it's like to be blamed, constantly... I don't know how to react to it. There's ALWAYS the "i'm sorry but u fucked up first.... YOU caused me to say or do what i did".... why am i always the cause? why aren't some people just being a bitch or asshole at the moment? On their own accord... on their own free will... why am I always pushing people to the point they say and do shit... they don't do anything wrong on their own? I'm attempting to psychoanalyze hundreds of people all at once, based on one thing.. not easy... not doing it anymore... i can't sleep because i am crying... and when i cry, i blog.... i feel a little better i guess.... who knows....
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