Ok here are the basics of me… Brains, ok I have those, a heart as well (shhh don’t tell), maybe more than most women, I have my opinions of those things, I tend to dislike them, fucking subordinates. As I was saying, a heart, I tend to care more than I would show apathy, I tend to care for just anyone, since well life happens to be one very blurry painting and it’s easy to become lost in this oblivion of hate, greed murder, lust, war, blood, oil etc. In light of this I mostly just long to be one of those people that brings a bit of clarity to that mess, one of those girls that like leaves you with something, a presence, a good feeling even. I just long to be one of those shoulders to cry on, to brighten your day, to make you feel that hey this girl is really nice. Perhaps though, in light of my past and all the chaos there, which I tell you chaos is hardly the word, perhaps though in light of all the mistakes there combined with the present regret of those times, maybe I just long to make things better, to give back some and I seek approval of others, or long to show that hey I’m not so bad after all. So you see now that I am pretty open, and hey I never said I was perfect, who is, who cares. Yeah I can be dependant on people, people I care for, I think being alone on this planet is a tragedy, to live without love, to not have a person that you can go to in the midst of trouble, or in the depths of misery, for any reason. So when I have people like that in my life I tend to lean on them a bit, because hey I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t have shit figured out, in fact I’ll even go as far as saying, this is one fucked up world, and wow its frightening. Sure I could do like everyone else and find a real nice career and seek out approval of everyone else through my accomplishments and live a sheltered sort of life, college, car, family, nine to five, camp once a year, complain about how my husband doesn’t make love to me anymore, yadda yadda yadda, I could do that, and drown out reality, forget how I really feel inside, by living the cookie cutter life, pretend that life is not confusing, and scary at times, pretend like I have it all figured out, pretend like I have no significant emotional or mental issues that need addressed. Unfortunately my conscience will not allow me to do such things. I have a lot of trouble taking focus off of what needs to be done within me, and well I just can’t lie to myself. So trying to get halfway back on track here, I’m basically saying that, this worlds a tad on the confusing side, for many reasons, I mean here we are, on some larger than life spinning ball of scientific genius, in the middle of a universe of trillions of burning balls of gas, floating, like hey, how the hell did this happen, how did I get here, and whoa look at all these people around me they are nuts. So I cannot ignore stuff like that, and I certainly don’t have shit figured out, so I rely sometimes on the comfort that other humans can offer, partnership. Hey I have lived on my own for years, without any parents. Dad talks to me like every 3 months, mom well she is dead, oh yea, wonderful right, and I tend to have a very independent way about me, but even I, get very lost sometimes and really just long for that mentor or supervision or a person I can go to and say “hey what does this mean” because I sure don’t know. I’m not to proud to ask for help or admit I need it in the first place, or to say I don’t know a fucking thing. I will end that rant, but I will say I look in other humans for that partnership, undying kind of friendship, real love, just as I give that away so freely, I do not expect things that I wouldn’t give in return. So now with that out of the way, we could certainly pick at that last rant to learn more of me, that huge mess of words I just spewed out certainly shows, that, one I like to talk, two I think maybe to much, three I live life in a very spiritual sort of down to earth heart felt way, I’m honest about myself, and I hold on to the power of love and friendship with knuckle white sort of death kung fu grip. So yea, I like to try and remain honest with myself, and really I try not to bring focus to other peoples hang ups or really just anything pertaining to say their own character defects, I have enough on my own plate, to have to waste my time worried about your shit. I tend to be over analytical if you can’t tell, perhaps way too hard on myself, and expect a lot out of people, especially my boyfriends. I do not hold back though when I have earned respect for a person or a partner a lover whatever, I give so much so freely, and I expect that in return, so if I feel its not being returned then I back out, and try and do it nicely. I really don’t judge people, but I will say that sometimes I can be harsh with people who are doing things that I don’t agree with, though I do not really judge them or think that I am better, I tend to frown upon that thing that they are doing. Say drug addicts. Stuff like that, and I always feel guilty when I am pointing the finger, and I tend to contradict myself, and I am not perfect. Far from it, but my outlook on life is healthy at times, and I just hold strong, and hold on, to things that I have discovered mean most in life, such as love, honesty, generosity, selfless actions, things like that. In relationships, I can be jealous, nothing excessive, but I like to keep thing sacred and keep their vale and meaning alive, so flirtatious sort of guys with a ton of girl friends who stay at their houses and are drunk with them all the time kind of don’t work to well with me, though I can bend and make things works pretty well, its hard. I can be needy and long for a lot of attention, respect, and if I feel I’m being walked on I walk away without hesitation. The guy that gives it all to me shall receive the world in return and that is very true, my longing for love and ideas of relationships are so strong in my mind and I am so passionate about that once I have something worth holding on to I do for dear life and give and give and give. Also I will do any kind drug. I to this day miss the ritualistic preparation before doing a bump. The small taste I would take. Dipping my pinky into the bag and rubbing it across my gums. Dumping it onto whatever surface was available...coffee table...toilet tank...palm of my hand. Crushing any rocks under my driver’s license. Chopping...chopping...chopping till I had fine powder. I'd move it back and forth on the surface until I had perfect lines...even in length and width. Almost salivating as I'd take a bill from my pocket and roll it into a tight cylinder. Taking that breath you hold as you lean forward as to not blow it all away. SNIFFFFFFFFF ... SNIFFFFFF...I'd then take a cigarette and wet the tip. Wiping any excess left behind with it and lighting it up. Yum... I drink so much that me telling you that I was drunk might not surprise you. I left my fathers house when I was 16 and haven’t lived there since, in those years I have done many different things, and experimented in ways that words cannot describe but that wild fucking hair. I enjoy things in life now, such as developing relationships, family time, road trips or book reading, just really good people and good times, with sanity. I smoke, and I work a lot, I love work, I think it’s so healthy, and yeah if you don’t work then well, you should! Anyways, I just want to give you ideas of me, obviously it would take years to really cover all the things that I wish I could, and we can do that, once you talk with me. This is the summary of me, the rest if the highly opinionated ideas that I contrive in the hours of free time I have, thoughts built up over years, everything spoken is influenced by my experience which is a lot. So read some. Thanks for listening though.
~ Women ~ I will begin on this topic for the simple fact that I am of this gender class, the gender known as devil, or in the world of today “woman”. This species is the more deceitful bunch of the two genders. Imperfection is perfected according to man. Though it is in the core of our pitiful nature, this ever present weakness, it is also in the core of our deepest heart to rise above this. A woman, is a creature who is aware of the truth, yet avoids this at any cost, she is solo, out to benefit herself. A woman lives in a world of insecurity; she is overly emotional where man is so much less. Her investment in her world of vanity, is living proof, a woman is consciously journeying constantly towards the next escape. A woman is only measured and defined by what lies within her heart, and how well she can discern what dwells there, how fearlessly and truthfully she expresses what she has found. How her passion seeps through her words, and her strength is shown through her eyes, her soul and mind, this is the true strength of woman, the original idea. Me, I strive to separate myself from this percentage that sits on the end that always loses, compare me with the majority and I come out on top, this much I say with pure unadulterated confidence… Of course good in any situation exists, just miserably difficult to discover, male or female. There is a vast array of things to be spoken of this issue, of this topic, and my intentions are only to paint a small picture for you, the rest is yours to paint. My point has been communicated, clearly and concisely. What you should understand is my motives for even speaking of this and that motive is to defend those of us, who actually wish to be seen as women. Lying is the only way a woman can have fun without taking off her clothes.
~ Men ~This goes without saying, and of course I don’t speak this because somehow I have had run ins with a broken heart on the account of some devious man creature, no, there is no bias, it is simple fact, though I have had my trust betrayed many times...Men are a gender that would more resemble the behavioral structure of an ape than a human. I am almost certain that men thinking with a pragmatic common sense has been completely removed from the structure of their thinking, in other words men are just fucking stupid, in the most layman of terms of course. Most men would like to think that the factors that define them as men pertain to what is shown outwards, physically, such as muscle, or the attitude that comes along with that bit of masculinity, grunting, pounding of the chest with fists, all this sort of thing… So I see a man being masculine is being primitive. Man is on a slow decline. Evolution does not exist in their world. For they step backward with precision consistently, as their hope and trust lies more within a man made world. They then lose flight daily on the wings of reality. A man that is not completely warped and sucked into the whole typical male image, is a man difficult to come across, and the state of being primitive that engulfs this typical male mind is quite enough to make me hurl, over and over, until even my organs are digested orally. It is in today’s world where it would seem that a man is defined by his ability to completely disregard what lies within himself spiritually in order to be the machine that the society needs him to be. To live without question of his every day existence and surroundings, the essence of logic and reason are stripped of them, sheep is the best definitive here at times. In a world of conditional generosity, and conditional love, men certainly make it hard to disregard that fact, or believe that hope can be found. In other words, if you are concerning yourself with finding a partner in a man, that would search his heart relentlessly to discover that I am all he desires then I am quite lost looking for a thing that exists not, I would be pressed hard to find a male life partner who has the most pure of intentions, to give himself solely to me, through spirit and truth, in shadow and light. Those who understand that men are not ravenous beasts of the field, but individuals with hearts sometimes. They do not all hide behind the curtain of anger and tuck tail and run to the tough guy image when their emotional wall is penetrated. I do know this;…Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
~ My Loyalty ~ Well this goes to my family. Some of you may not have learned the all too true lesson of how all the relationships or persons you bond to will fade, in other words, a true friend is something that occurs less than more, and this may be the understatement of the year. It is so very true, over the years and through my observation and experience, I have seen that no matter how close a friend may be, they will always come before you. All love is conditional in a sense. So then all of my love and respect and all that I am is invested in my family, simply because they have been unrelenting with their generosity and compassion. I love them and would give them everything. You may sense some cynicism in this area, but this is what I have been shown, so forgive me.
~ Soul Mate ~ If ever there was somebody out there for me, which in ways I doubt because of the pain I have experienced when dealing with person(s) who I thought to be just that person. Here is what I would require of you... 1. Understanding/Open Mind ... 2. Forgivingness ... 3. Honesty... 4. Generosity... 5. Attentiveness... 6.Paitience... The greatest pains we may ever know will stem from love, for many reasons, people like to hurt people and they don’t mean to, but hurt people hurt people, in other words people who have been hurt will hurt you back. Its human nature and most follow this law, which is unfortunate. The day I see my soul mate eye to eye, he will have a love that will outlast anything that ever existed on planet earth, and I assure you I have my eyes open. If he is out there and waiting, then I shall see you soon, and I hope you hear my spirits cries.. My shoulders feel heavier by the day. I long for a soul to hold close, life is painful and harsh, to live it alone is a disaster. I long to be loved, and long to have just one person that will understand me and love me without some kind of expectation. I want to know a person that can look into my eyes and farther, deep within my soul, where for a second our souls collide and with breathlessness we kiss. To just know that I was that one person that for years they had wished for. To bring meaning to the world that live in and shed light on their spirit and give them a smile that will never go away. I want him to hold me as close as can be, and in the silence hear our breaths, and close his eyes and feel so strongly and know so surely that he has found what makes him complete. I only want somebody to love. Life is a mysterious journey and how lovely to know there next to you is the owner of your heart, to walk through it all with you, with smiles and love that burns deep within the core as a mutual feeling. Never will he fear, never will he question what lies ahead, by his side is her protector. So tell me… is such a thing possible? I will speak of it no longer, just keep dreaming and hoping, because you might vomit anyway, yes I am sappy. Deal with it...
~ Poetry ~ Ok so before you read this one, do not take it all in so seriously, I mean hey you can, there is a lot of stuff here I feel so true, but its just a rant and expressions, poor timed and misplaced ideas perhaps, but just more or less jumbled mess, and really its just some fucked up poetry in some sense, an expression of my soul. You know what, history, fascinates me, origins, the beginning of things, their foundations, the essence’s of, how it all came into play, the difference in that world then and this one now, it all its so thrilling to learn of. To learn of a world once, that seemed to care, that seemed to cherish and appreciate, to value, to love, to appreciate, a time before ours, when things seemed to have substance, when we were not so lost in our perception of reality, so lost in the world we have created, when were not as starved to be supreme and in control, when the idea of God was not dismissed as swiftly, when we were willing to give our lives, instead of horde them, I want that... I am dreaming of that life, and perhaps it will come when I pass on to heaven, wherever that place is, I fear that earth is closer to a hell that a heaven, and this place eats at me, and I’m feeling like I just don’t belong here... Let your spirit fly with me for a moment, let it all go, and see, take my hand, for you are not alone. Within this battered spirit. Non conformity with creativity, with passion, with undying, unrelenting dedication, in the form of the mountains, majestic peaks of life, inspired by a being that’s essence is love, the one eternal force in our world, that gives strength to the weak, mends the deepest scars, and brings end to the greatest of pains. What would life be without love? Our world’s foundation crumbles, rapidly, to its bitter end, swiftly. We have not evolved, we have digressed, plummeting to the deepest caverns of the human mind, the destruction of misplaced knowledge combined with the horrifically needy wanting to escape truth, our reality is the furthest thing from reality, this is what we intended... When I breathe my final breath and I lay in the awareness that my life is passing forward, to the world of spiritual freedom, and I am relieved from my duty of worldly agony and the unrelenting destruction of earth. I will then feel as I do now, this passion for love and life, to give a smile, and moments of hope, to donate my shoulder to crying eyes, there are things within me, that can never be taken, they thrive outside the shadow of time, untainted by the imperfections of our world, and it is those things, that make me. When I am wearied and my soul is dejected and oppressed, I remember then as always that God; the trinity, looks upon me with eyes that burn brighter than the sun...
~Music~ The weapon of the gods themselves, my life, and my strength, mouths speak words, souls speak music, amazing. Truth, humility, selflessness, forgiveness, these are the weapons I take to battle. Do not be mistaken, life is a battle, till the day your soul is sucked out of your worn down body, your flesh in all of its weakness... Each breath, I pray thanks for, each day, I pray thanks for. The sun and moon shine with life, feel the wind against your face, close your eyes, every movement contains life, hear the voices of the spirits, the breath of life, the pulse of the earth, the mysterious balance that holds us all together, gravity, water, wind, smell, sight, touch, oh yea baby...
~Life~ Is wonderfully fascinating, and terrifically painful, embrace your pain, it will teach you. Something is out there, do you not see it, cant you feel it, as I speak to you, is it by chance that you breathe, that you have thought, that you read, what is said here and now. The earth brings forth, all essentials for nourishment, for health, naturally, is it by chance that all these things were here, did an apple, or a peach come into existence in the process of evolution by chance, or was it placed here for you, is it coincidence that our telescopes cannot find an end to space, is it possible that space could end, does the universe just come to a halt after about 23432342432 trillion light years? What would it look like? IT IS NOT CHANCE, it is not possible, the earths tides are controlled by the slight shifts of the moon, if it were to shift even a half of an inch the wrong way, our waters would overflow onto out land and drown us all. It sounds to me like an eternal being with magnificent force has delicately placed us in this oblivion called earth, with intentions, now seek your destiny! Or waste away in your so seemingly logical view of reality, hahahahahaha. Leave it to the arrogance of the human mind, in our nature, to think we our so supreme, that for a second we somehow evolved from apes, or from physical matter such as gasses billions of years ago, you all trust too much of the word of men, when it is men who cannot even TAME the average household, to uphold rules, discipline, to instill love and values, the hearts of children ache with wanting to be loved, and rebel in anger of this lacking. Man who bombs countries for purposes of money, who began wars, murder, lies, deceit, who created time, schedules, routine, chaos, conformity, drugs, the world is in the flames of chaos, and in all of our stubbornness, sheltered under the comforting wing of our "reality", our escape, we cannot reach out once, for help, to admit defeat, we cannot steer this ship, it is God that was meant to, but the truth burns you, hurts you, you HATE to hear it, you are angered when you are told, you swear against the name of what created you, you do not want to hear it, you do not want to be WRONG, you do not wish to submit, you would rather REIGN IN HELL, than to serve in heaven... You are sadly mislead, eating off of a spoon like a infant the information of man, of our studies, our philosophies, the ideas of human minds, the fucking sad and pathetic are all of you sick fucks, is un motherfucking believable, and I laugh in horror, and scream in terror, that so many could be lost, so many without a clue, never given life one thought. No not life as in, I want to go to college and be a fucking lawyer, life as in how in the fuck it is possible that I am here breathing on this earth at this very moment, walking, talking, thinking, being ALIVE, this is amazing. Instead you grind yourself up add water and pour your pathetic selves into molds that our society makes for you, to be a tool, a sheep, a nothing, wasted. Pigs, so ready to dance to sweat, to lust, to fuck, to drink, to sniff, to hate, to hold resentment, to JUDGE, so ready to find the fault in the rest of it all, so unwilling so see it in yourself, so lost without hope, so warped in the addictive shock entertainment of earth, the music, the movies, the entire thing, so far off from the essence of what life should be... SIGHHHHHHHH ok I am done I think, remember, I love you, and it is love that is the only thing on earth with real substance, and any deed you do that is in the name of love... Read some more please though, most things are theory, some things are fact, and I add on to this often as I change and learn, and some of this shit I have written well its jumbled and confused to a point perhaps, and yeah just being honest, it can be taken as literal as you like, best of the best wishes to you my friend whoever you may be…
~ In Ending ~ What does it mean to be human? I cannot help but suspect that at one time in the history of thinking that people believed that it meant that we were spiritual and that we could make choices and were capable of aspiring to higher ideals... Like maybe loyalty or maybe faith... Or maybe even love... But now we are told by people who think they know, that we vary from amoeba only in the complexity of our makeup and not in what we essentially are. They would have us think that we are forever bound up in certain genetic reigns, that we are merely products of the way things are and not free, not free to be the people who make them that way. They would have us see ourselves as products so that we could believe that we were something to be made, something to be used and then something to be disposed of. Used in their wars, used for their gains and then set aside when we get in their way. Well, who are they? They are the few who sit at the top of the heap, dung heap though it is, and who say it is better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.... Well, I do not know that we can have a Heaven here on earth, but I am sure we need not have a Hell either. What does it mean to be human? I cannot help but believe that it means we are spiritual, that we are responsible and that we are free. That we are responsible to be free... Grasp a hold of something real, you will never move forward if you are always looking back, life can be worth living, remember what it means to live, love can be found, sometimes in the places you least expect, hold strong be yourself and most importantly search for your purpose, find yourself, be that and that only. Never be bought, never be sold, never forget...
