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[Bad case of the...]

-fuckitalls. I just quit my assignment. Okay- I can't really say that in an official capacity yet but I did walk out, have a pleasant chat with my mom, had pancakes with my friend, and played ffxi for 12 hours. Yeah. 12 Hours. I'm becoming more self aware these days. I think I'm growing back my self. I'm definitely acknowledging what's not making me happy- and who's taking too much of what I'm giving. This includes but is not exclusive to work, relationships, friends, art, and family. I'm denying more and more people the gift of me- with that whole do no harm thing going in my head that's really the worst I'm allowed to do to someone. I tried to do this I really really tried to do this as long as I could I found that my limit was getting yelled instructions at me- not having the point of said instructions explained to me- not being convinced of said instructions validity then being yelled at some more- being yelled at- and then being yelled at. There was no phase 1. We kept going straight to condescension and derision. I never rose my voice. I never spoke ill of others to or about them. I didn't yell I didn't lash out. I was told I was undeserving of a social life. It was implied that I was a failure and a burden when I was exceeding the explanation and working outside the scope of the assignment by a wide wide wide margin. I would work at least an extra 10 hours a week of undocumented and uncompensated time- with no sympathy and no permission to use flex time after a while I was taking pride in my hard work and extra hours but that soon turned to more overtime less appreciation (yes, I was now being criticized for the fact that I had to work over at all, or not even acknowledged of it) zero compensation. I was shown and told that my time, input, and very being was undeserving. I had documents I spent weeks on deleted or modified in a community fileshare I was instructed to explicitly use. These documents were modified/removed without me being informed and then I was yelled at for that information no longer being available. And then there was more unnecessary yelling. All yelling is unnecessary unless one is in danger or out of normal tonal reach. After being yelled at for taking responsibility for something that I was going to take responsibility for monday (that's right I'm being yelled at for things I have imminently taken care of)... I was yelled at for not singing dancing and clapping my hands and spending an extra five hours arranging said task with others rather than taking care of it myself I tried to recover from a fourth unprovoked tantrum in 24 hours found that I was unwilling and incapable of doing so I wrote an email that was intended to be an exercise saying that I quit to my Vista supervisor. It was just an exercise, an anger management tool but I found that I really needed to send it. So I did. I then felt it necessary to tell my on-site supervisor (the person actually working for the agency who did not adequately mediate the 1800 other times this sort of thing happened and wasn't there to hear it this time) saying I was too angry to even verbalize at this point- and that I was leaving. Do not call me. I grabbed my journal grabbed my bobblehead grabbed my pens grabbed my coffee mug put on my overcoat and walked out The problem is... I liked that assignment I hated that fundraiser I liked all the other 18 people I worked with immensely it was ONE person ONE PERSON constantly antagonizing, berating, and harassing me. My supervisor didn't have my back. I could have told my coworkers- my sympaticos, but that wouldn't have accomplished anything possitive. So I left. I said "nice meeting you" to one of the counselors. I walked in a fuzzy blur passed the reception area, walked passed two smokers a manager asked if I was sick I said "no, just sick of." I didn't hear what comment was made later- I'm not sure if they had put it together that I had just quit. And that brings us up to date. Was I afraid for what the future held for me? Was I bloodfrothed with rage and unfulfilled retribution? Yes. Yes I was. Fear and anger are not the alchemy of a good time. When I walked over to the americorp office saying "uh- I need to talk to someone I just quit" there was a shocked response of the tiny pantheon of social workers- they started asking questions of earnest concern- I stated in no complex language that I needed a drink of water and several moments. I have to set up a meeting tomorrow to determine a new assignment, explain my side, and document it- they HAVE to attempt to mediate just as part of their beuaracratic process, and then I'll either seek a new assignment or try something else. By something else I really do mean scratch zero fresh. am I angry anymore? No I just quietly resent being used and disrespected. am I afraid anymore? No, just nervous and a bit tense. Less tense than I was when dreading going to work. What do I have to say right now? *closes eyes* *contemplates* I might not respect anyone alive save a handful- but at least I won't actively make you neurotic or degrade you or make you feel below your own state. Speaking in anger is never an effective way to communicate anything but anger. It is not effective for use with anyone but your enemies unless you are describing an injustice to an ally. In either case can't we all just take a deep breath and say fuckitall?
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