Dear Cherry Tap.....
okay peep game....
So one of my morning rituals is to read a slew of news sites to catch up on what happened in the world while I was asleep....
CNN..... BBC....... MSNBC.....Perez Hilton.....Dallas Penn.....ad a few others......... And then I roll on to my sports sites....... CNNSI....... ESPN....... Then I hit the newspaper sites........ Washington Post.......NY Times......LA News and Observer.......Commercial Appeal......
And the website of the city newspaper where I hope to be living this time next year - one I won’t mention in order not to jinx it......
So this morning, as I was perusing one of the newspapers.....I come across this letter from a woman seeking counsel from one of those advice columns......
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Her letter reads as follows:
I am a happily married 27-year-old woman about to have my first baby, and I am terrified because it isn’t my husband’s baby.
Last spring, another woman and I took a trip to the Bahamas. At the hotel, I had a massage and was seduced by the masseur. I tried to resist, but I guess I got carried away. I sort of cooperated once things got started.
After some prenatal tests, my doctor recently told me that the baby’s blood type is different from both my husband’s and mine, which means the baby is not his. When the baby is born, it will be very obvious: My husband and I are white, and the masseur is black.
I can’t tell my husband; I think that he would leave me. Please advise me.
- Pregnant and Scared
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* in my Chris Tucker Voice*
DAAAMMMNNNNN!!!
So the columnist basically responds with the obvious:
1) Now heffa, you know you weren’t seduced!! Coerced, maybe. Seduced? Uh no.
2) Get that azz tested for STDs.
3) You gotta tell ya man. Period.
Of course, I Blackified the responses a little bit, but you get the gist.
However, this is why yours truly could never have an advice column. ......Because my response would have been totally different........
First off, it’s no secret that I can be a bit… shall we say…. verbose........ So my response would have taken up the whole front page of the Opinion section of the paper........
But so what?!?.....I have shyt to say!........ And it’ll be good for the paper since I would ask the questions and make the comments that people are thinking, but are too scared to say.....
(Ya'll know how I do)
My response would have been a little something like this:
Dear Pregnant and Scared:
Congrats on getting some Black dyck!!......LOL
(We’ll touch on this later--No Tyson Beckford)..... but as an owner of said “instrument of pleasure”....... I just wanted to welcome you to the club!.....hahahahaha......
Now, first things first..... I just need some clarification.........
I’ve had my share of massages in my day........ I’ve even had a few where the masseuse offered “special service” aka a happy ending once the massage was complete....... And in one or two shady places that didn’t appear to be as shady as they turned out to be........ they’ve offered the full monty.......
But umm…. just because this shyt is offered.......doesn’t mean you take it!!.....obviously she aint never heard of Platinum Plus here in Memphrikkka...... That’s nasty, dammit!
Do the Nancy Reagan and JUST.SAY.NO!!
And for God’s sake......if you are gonna say yes… to a strange azz masseur who probably busts nuts in curious......vacationing white women such as yourself a couple times a day…
then at the very least, make his azz wear a condom!!
I BET you he has a stash right next to his aromatherapy oils!!
Plus, just because he’s burnin doesn’t mean that syphilis is the hotness!!....naah mean?
Secondly..... I would like to commend you for not pulling the maneuver that seemed like the obvious fallback to me. ....
You could have Kobe-Colorado’d his azz!......Susan Smith’d him!!....or straight reverse Duke Lacrosse’d the dude!!
And I don’t know if such a scheme says more about your character...... or more about my lack of it........ but I just want to extend a thank you from all the Black men on earth for not claiming that dude forced himself on you........ That would have been the easy way out….one I’m pretty sure you would have taken had so much time not elapsed between the incident and your prenatal exam where the blood type was determined......
Thirdly........I am actually quite curious about what went down....(I'm kinda a freak/voyeur like that)....
I mean, exactly HOW were you “seduced”?
I’m sure it wasn’t standard BruthaMan game!
I know dude wasn’t speakin that Bahama shyt like, “Ow ya doin prittay gal?? Why don’ you let me give you da island sugar wall massaj?!? I’ll jus’ put da tip in!”
Or did you think that he was seducing you by rubbing your back and legs and arms and feet???
NEWSFLASH HEFFA!!...... That’s called a MASSAGE!!.....You know, the thing you paid for him to give you?!?........ And if this dreadlock’d dude happened to make you yearn for some chocolate lovin......... then hey, call it what it is!
Call a spade, a spade!!
Wait… coming from you, that might be a bad choice of words.
Anyway........just admit you were curious about what it would be like to be with a Black man...... Just admit that that curiousity overwhelmed you...... especially since you probably believed that no one would ever find out........ Though I’m also willing to bet that you told your girlfriend and ya’ll had a good laugh about it.
Fourthly… ummm… WOW!
White women do that kind of thing?!?
I saw the Eddie Murphy comedy movie where he talked about Dexter St. Jock bustin’ your lady’s azz while she was in Jamaica by herself on vacation.......and believe me....I have partook of the caucasian nectar plenty of times........ But I thought white women went to places like San Diego or Daytona or Austin, Texas for new dyck!....... Maybe Paris or Italy or something.......
I didn’t know ya’ll went to the Carribean to get scraped by some island brutha....... So, what?...... Black men in the States ain’t good enough for your adventures??....... Too close to home, huh? I feel ya......You got something against the Soul Pole.....so you went and did the reggae thang..... This is actually good info to have....... I’ll have to pass this info on at the next Million Man March......LOL....... Bruthas from Memphis, DC and New York and Atlanta will be straight posin’ as native Bahamanians to every white woman they meet on their next trip!......Dudes packin bottles of Crisco and seducin white women for private massages!
And actually, the way I’m now readin it… ya’ll will be seducing them!!
Nextly, what you mean “what should I do??”
You can’t NOT tell your husband!...... The baby is going to look at least a little bit Black… and probably a lotta bit Black......
That’s that island sperm, girl!!...... All them plaintains and rum be givin’ shyt strenff (I know how to spell strength) an’ whatnot......
And when the doubt creeps in your husband’s mind… screw a blood type mismatch!.... Who needs blood types when we’ve got Maury Povich!!
Maury will out you!..... DNA baby!..... 99.9999998% that your husband is NOT the father!
There is no lie you can tell that will make it ok...... Not even screamin rape at this point is sufficient...... If you have a certain kind of husband..... maybe he’ll forgive you and you can go on.
More than likely, your marriage is over..... Sorry, homey..... Look on the bright side… you’re now free for more Black dizzle!
****disclaimer**** I happen to be single depending on height weight and mental capacity.....*wink*
Furthermorely (is that a word?), I have a question:
Once your husband rolls on you for sleeping with a dirty nygger… though he isn’t racist, of course…*smile*
Will you contact the father down in the Bahamas and notify him of his child?
I mean, you gotta give the baby daddy a chance to know his child!
Maybe you’ll get a couple coconuts and discount massage at the hotel for child support!....Kidding.....
But I am actually curious… will you tell the Daddy masseur? My bets are on “HELLZ NAH!”
Lastly, sooooo????...... Is it true????
Now that you’ve had Black......are you going back?? I
s it true or a myth??....... Was it all you thought it would be??
Was it as big as you thought it would be??
Was your Mandingo fantasy how you envisioned it??
Did you yell out “Ooooo that’s the spot Kunta!.... Take me Shaka Zulu!” ????
Was it worth your “happy marriage”??
Was it worth raising a biracial child on your own??
Are you worried that no other white man is going to want you with an “octoroon” for a child??
Are you stressed about how your family is going to react that you screwed a Negro and are having his child??
If so....... I say, you’d better get over ALL that....... And fast.
You have a child coming into this world....... And it ain’t that child’s fault… he/she didn’t ask to be here… you brought him/her here........ That child is going to love you unconditionally, and you’d better love him the same way........It’s your duty as his mother.......
It’s also your duty to make sure that child knows his heritage… don’t try to make little Hunter or Dylan or Meredith or Dakota into a white child. She isn’t… he isn’t.
And don’t try to overBlack him/her either....... Just be mommy........ And let baby be baby.
You made your choice while you were getting your azz waxed… and not a Brazilian, either… in that hotel massage room.
Now, it is time to put that child first...... So get all that whining and crying and remorse out of your system before the baby gets here........ Because once it arrives, it will matter no more.
That baby will be the one of the few people who won’t think his momma is a nygga-loving ho-bag.... So don’t treat the baby like it’s his fault.
So “pregnant and scared”… you’d better be “pregnant and prepared.”
You are about to be a mommy… for the first time. And that alone should make you feel better than that massage that conceived it ever could.
in the meantime....here is some entertainment....LOL
I'm jus sayin....
