The wife wants kids? Then start acting up, says Kerri Sackville.
My friend Sophie wants to be a mum. But her husband, Jake, isn't so
sure. He wants kids, but suspects his wife has an idealistic view of
motherhood, so he has embarked on a course of action to prepare her for
the task ahead.
The program is simple. Jake has adopted many of the behaviours that
Sophie is likely to encounter when she is a mother. He yells "No!" for
no apparent reason at random intervals during the day. He runs around
the house with his underwear on his head. He also plonks himself down in
the supermarket and refuses to budge until Sophie has given him a treat.
I think Jake has hit on a brilliant strategy. Still, his program is far
from comprehensive. So for Jake, and others out there wishing to prepare
their partners for motherhood, I have compiled the following list.
1. Eat with your fingers.
2. Fling bits of your dinner in your partner's face.
3. Reply "I don't know" or "chocolate" when asked what you want to eat.
4. Reply "I don't know" or "stupid head" when asked your name.
5. Reply "I don't know" or "you're a stupid head" when asked how your
day was.
6. Remove your clothing at every opportunity.
7. Loudly inform your partner whenever your private parts are itchy.
8. Loudly inform your partner whenever you need to do a poo.
9. Loudly inform complete strangers whenever your partner has done a
poo.
10. Interrupt sex by crying and saying you've had a bad dream.
11. Insist on being carried.
12. Refuse to go to bed.
13. Refuse to get out of bed.
14. Cling to your partner and cry whenever she leaves the house.
15. Smack your siblings and friends whenever your partner's back is
turned.
16. Say you didn't do it.
17. Beg your partner to make you pancakes.
18. When pancakes are served, say "yuck, I hate pancakes".
19. Yell "I want to stay home!" when it's time to go out.
20. Yell "I don't want to go home!" when it's time to go home.
21. Vomit after consuming your own body weight in junk food at a party.
22. Play "I spy" with your partner and spy things you can't actually
see.
23. Drink the bathwater.
24. Answer the phone by yelling "hellooooo!!!" then drop the phone and
run away.
25. Ask your partner where babies come from.
26. Ask your partner what God looks like.
27. Ask your partner if lamb chops come from lambs, and if so, why do we
eat our friends?
28. Tell your partner she's mean and horrible.
29. Tell your partner she's beautiful and that you love her more than
anything in the whole wide world.
