andal's blog: "ARGH!!"

Life is just like water spiraling down the drain to endless blackness. We try to scrape the sides and hold on as long as we can, but no matter how hard we try we keep going farther down to the deep dark pit of eternity. Chaos surrounds us. Objects come floating by us and we cling to them hoping to get out of the spiral for even a moment, just to get thrown off and end up even farther down the spiral then we would have been on our own. Eventually the endless chaos of life gets to some and they begin to paddle to the blackness. Welcome it even. Where is the survival line that keeps us out of the blackness? when does the chaos end?

So I went to chat with my Capitan today and he walked with me to the financial aid office today. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was with a differnt counsiler this time or the fact that he was with me, but all of a sudden there was a 4k grant for me! So she gave me that 4k grant and then put my small amout of financial aid that was set aside for next semester on this semester. So now this semester is payed for!!!!!! I already registerd for classes next semester.. I'm so excited because I didnt think there was going to be a next semester for me. Then I called my parents to let them know about the school thing, (using my fiances phone because mine is turned off)and they told me that they are going to pay ten bucks a month and add me to their family share plan. Then all they will have to do is have their phone company send me a phone. It will be nice to have a phone again. They dont like the fact that they dont have contact with me. Pluse my mother FINALLY sent me my birthday present. Which means next week i'll have my birthday present from them, some non perishable food, some of my christmas presents, and $40. I'm SOOO buying myself something... not sure what but something. YAY i'm so excited!! This was a good day and it feels like a HUGE weight has been taken off my shoulders, and my heart.

So after seeing tons of contest I finally decided to enter in my first contest. Its all for fun, but I would love to win. :) So if you could take a few minutes to vote for me I would appreciate it.

Yesterday my fiance told me that he cant be with me anymore. I ripped the maps off the wall that signified our trip across country, and took everything else off the wall that was his. After most of the day crying, I told him that I didnt care how much money we had, or that I am 22. I dont want to be with any other man, I want to be with him. With that he said ok and that those were the reasons he couldnt be with me He told me that he didnt want to weigh me down with his problems. Fact is I love the silly doofus. So now were not going to break up. Why do some men try the "if you love them let them go" If i had wanted to go I would have left him along time ago. Sure he may have problems, but I dont care. I'm willing to stand by him and help him with his problems. After all of this, I will no longer fight for him. In one way It made me realize i have been doing to much for him and not enough for me. Now i'll do more for myself and let his stupid butt do more things for himself. I may be happyer about staying with him, but i still dont know what to think when i look at him.

Ya know I just watched the movie "Friends With Money" Afterwards I went outside and smoked a cigarette. I saw the sky with a new clarity. This movie helped me realize that not everything is as bad as I have been thinking it is. I don't know, but seeing a movie like this just brings things into focus. Everyone has problems, even people with lots of money. Yes things are terrible for me at the moment, but things will get better. My car is broken, but I have a mechanic who is going to take time out of his personal time to look at my car. True its tax free money in his pocket, but he doesnt have to do it. I'm going to be joining the national guard to help me through school. I am being forced to take a semester off of school, but its truly by my own accord. Doing this early will help my situation out. With a little more money I can afford the few things that I want but dont have. I'll have money to keep my fridge full of food. Money to keep my dogs fed, and i'll even get to take them to the vet to get rid of these DAMN fleas that they have. I'll move to a different house in a better neighbor hood, this way I wont have a knife hanging from my doorknob "just in case" Atleast I have a man who loves me and wants the best for me. I have two dogs who love me unconditionally, even though they get on my nerves sometimes. Even tough all of my furniture was hand me down.... I do have furniture in my house. The heater may not work in my living room, but the dogs or my sweet man cuddle with me so I have there bodywarmth. Pluse I do have alot of blankets. And last but not least... I do have a roof over my head. Instead of being upset at what i dont have, this movie made me realize that I should be glad for the few comforts that I do have. I dont have alot of friends, but the ones I have made here truly care. My capitan followed me home the other day when my car broke down, and even tough he knows nothing about cars he did look. Small things like that make me feel alot better. So I have to say, thank you.. thank you for being my friends (even though its just on the internet) and thank you for the things I have.

So I have been having a huge problem with my finances. I just spent a week eating nothing but romin noodles because that is all we had the money for. Finally my fiance got paid and we bought food. However I didn't get to buy all I wanted because he made a HUGE mistake that cost $500 of his paycheck (which is half of it). After everything (but our phones!!!!) have been paid and we got food we have $80 left in the account. I didn't make it to class Friday, monday or tuesday because we didn't have the gas to get there. In fact on friday the car ran out of gas, so I had a buddy from ROTC get me enought gas to get the car home. Now we finally have a little cash, the car has gas, things will be ok... right? NO!! I get to my lab for ROTC yesterday and i'm pulling my LCE out of the back of the car, when what do I see?? Antifreeze pouring out of the back of the engine and smoke pouring out of the hood. The temp was fine before all of that happend. I managed to get the car home last night, but who knows what I may have done running it 8 miles leaking antifreeze and overheating. My capitan and a fellow cadet followed me to make sure I got home. But now I sit here at home because I couldnt get to class. I just dont know what to do!!! We have $80 till the 15th, I still need to buy two school books, the car is broken, and our phones are about to be turned off. PLUS I still have to come up with 5k to pay for this semester so I can go to class next semester. I'm at my whits end!!!