Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
_____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.
_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
_____ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
