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PunkStarChik's blog: "Book Of Shadows"

created on 09/14/2006  |  http://fubar.com/book-of-shadows/b871

another argument

A few hours ago, rich and I got into another agrument. He had just got a new cell phone because he messed up his phone, again...so I went to check it out. He didn't get the same phone but the upgrade.

So I was checking it out and he got a text on there from someone. The text didn't make much sense...he was sleeping at the time...and me being curious, even though it wasn't my business I looked at his texts. There wasn't many text messages in there since he just got his phone back but I got the idea on something that he had been lying about.

He had been seeing this one girl, one of his friend's little sisters. I had the feeling that there was something going on, which didn't bother me but it's the fact that he lied. And with that, it started to make me think about other things that he lied about.

He woke up and we started talking calmly. I told him I knew about the chick and he was surprised and hung his head low. I told him...You didn't have to lie to me. Just be honest..but wait..you always fucking lie to me. I added how much it hurt me that he neglected me so long and this and that...just a bunch of other stuff that had already been discussed before and all he could say was sorry sorry sorry.

I was starting to break down so I went to turn stuff off my computer and grabbed my keys and he stopped me and started to get in my face. He yelled at me saying that he tried to make me happy but I was selfish. I was NOT selfish...how could I be selfish trying to get his damn attention...just wanting HIM and no...other thing were important..his games...other things.

He told me to punch him, to hit him and I told him that I was not a voilet person, that I would rather hit myself than him. We argued a bit more than I finally pushed myself away from him and ran to the car.

I stayed in the car a bit, trying to calm myself down. Then he ends up opening up the passenger side door and told me not to drive with how upset I was. I told him to get the fuck away from me. he looked at me for a bit and he left me alone.

I called my friend and asked her if I could come over a bit. I told her that i wasn't going to go back home for a while...she said it was alright..but I waited for myself to calm down a bit...i dunno half hour or longer? I finally went back to the house to pack up some things. He was gone. Of coure, he had his stupid nerd game to get to.

After I packed up my some of my belongings...I looked at some of our photos that we had on our wall. We had this big photo frame of us together that I had paid for before Christmas. One of those photo packages things...It was my idea to get pictures taken and give our photos to our family.

I looked it, grabbed it and tossed it onto a chair and started to hit it with my left fist. Hitting his face. Damn thing wasn't glass, just plastic..so I tore the frame apart. Cracked the plastic a bit and threw it on the floor.

I went into the living room and grabbed two other frames and broke them. Glass all over the carpet...I thought of my cats, then I cleaned that up. Then I found another frame...a gift that someone made for us that was made out of mirror...I punched that a few times with my right fist. I cut myself a little, not bad...and I left that on the counter. I bled a little not much then I left.

I don't know why I did that...I was just angry...and I guess that's my way of showing him how much he hurt me. I don't know if he will be back home and I really don't care. I told him before that I wouldn't be home, that I was leaving and don't see how we could even be friends after we get this divorce.

I know I bruised my left wrist. I can feel it. kari helped me clean up my other wrist. It was just a small cut nothing bad at all. Normally I'm not like this, I dunno why I did that...I was just upset..it takes a lot to piss me off...to get me real upset like that.

It just hurts me that he's lied to me, used me, was in this whole fake relationship. I wish so much that I left him a long time ago but I was so stupid to think that things would get better.

I'm feeling a bit better right now...still sad and all. I just don't want to see his face...I just wish that I was moved out safely....that we got this divorce done....that I can continue to go on with my life... and it really sucks that we work at the same place, different shift, and I would still have to see him during shift change.

I think I'm going to stay at my friends house for a while..of course check on my cats...I feel bad for them having to hear us argue. When I went back into the house, I had hugged them and told them that I loved them...gave them more food and water.

I'm just...I dunno... hurt.... I dunno when Ill be back online...maybe ill come back soon..I just need a break...ill pop on here and there... I just need to clear my head more. I don't want to see him again...it just hurts too much..i think about all the memories we had...all these wasted years...

I wish for it all to be done with.

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